So, it's a new year again. And it's been six months since I posted here.
The following is a collection of excerpts from my private blog. There are still a lot of things I'm not comfortable with being out in the open, but I feel like there are a lot of things that I want to share as well. I've never been particularly open with people about my feelings and that sort of thing, but I think maybe that's oen of the reasons I've never been good at forging strong relationships with other people. I'm going to have to change a lot of things about me to become the kind of socially-friendly person I want to be, and that's going to be especially important in the coming years, what with my chosen field of work relying so heavily on networking skills and all. So. Consider this my first step.
There are a lot of things here that will probably piss people off. There are a lot of things here that will probably disturb people. There are a lot of things here that will probably surprise people. And the intensity of everything will probably scare more than one person off... but I feel like seeing the bounds of my relationships with people. I'm not 'testing' my friends or anything of that sort--I just feel like being more open to other people about certain things in my life. If I happen to alienate anyone as a result, I think that will tell me a lot more about myself than I ever wanted to know... but it would be good for both parties involved, if that's the case. I've never been completely honest with my friends about my feelings, which is something I'd like to change. I'm more than a little nervous as to how things will turn out, but I'd like to believe that my masks aren't so drastic as to cover all of my true personality. Again... I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
But yes, here's to the New Year! :: raises glass ::
<3.
11.01.2003 7:14:48 PM
Mrow~
Posting here again since Dev is down (still!!! >.<;) and I need to rant a bit. Grar.
First of all... I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY despise my parents' driving. One of these days they won't be paying attention (as usual) and they're gonna run out of that goddamn luck and run RIGHT INTO A FUCKING BRICK WALL. Morons.
Well, now that that's settled... >.>;;
I have to say, haloween was really fun. I was decked out all.... Well, J-rock, I guess. I was in Kagrra mode or something X3 I think Cris managed to take a picture of me in the bathroom after I washed off most of the eyeliner designs... pity she didn't get one when I had them, Kiyomi made some really bitching designs on my face X3 My outfit was my big shiny-buckle-y-platform-knee-high boots, a really simple black dress that almost reached my knees, my renfaire pewter dragon necklace around my waist (barely fit! The necklace was made to wear relatively high up, right against the base of your neck almost, so I had to add a bracelet chain to wear it like that~), a flowery kimono (the type you wear around the house, really short and light) tied back like drapery behind my waist, and I had my hair half up with blue tips on my bangs and on the part that was up. My eyeliner was done with swirls on the outer side of my right eye, and swirls on the inner side of my left eye. I should have taken a picture before I washed it off, but I was too tired to realize it. x.x;; I think I'll go buy a liner pen and do something quirky like that with my eyes on a normal basis. It looks very cool. :3
We went trixxor treating and sang christmas carols and nursery songs when people opened the doors XD It was so funny~ And then Dave was on his rollerblades going backwards and ran into a parked car XDXDXD I made him carry my candy for me because I didn't have any pockets, muahaha. Actually, a few of the houses were really disturbing. They like using big spiders. =.= I HATE spiders. There was one house that really freaked me out, I was right in the front of teh group and they had thing BIG ASS SPIDER drop down from in front of the doorway when you ring the doorbell, scared the fucking HELL out of me! I yelped and backed up HARD; it's a good thing Tazer was the one behind me, anyone else would have been knocked over by my attempt to flee X3 And then this other house had one of the BIG spiders made of wire... My math teacher hung one up EXACTLY LIKE IT in the classroom. RIGHT ABOVE MY SEAT. ::twitchtwitch:: ... ::dies:: x.x;;;
After we went trixxor treating, we went back to Trent's and watched Orange County (XD Jack Black movies never cease to entertain) and then everyone was like "David~~~ ::flutter eyelashes:: Will you give us all rides home...?" Cause he was the only one who can legally drive other people and no one had rides home but everyone had to be back by ten X3 Ahh, good times, good times. Unfortunately, I left my trench coat at Trent's, so hopefully he'll give it back to me tonight at the play. I thought the play started at like, 6, but I guess it actually starts at 8. o.O;;
My mood for the past few days has been.... very uplifted :) It's almost pathetic that my friends question the fact that I'm happy. I guess that says a lot about how I've been acting lately... I must be slipping up. Most of the time I can hide it when I'm unhappy or angsty, and if I'm angry I just take it out on those annoying freshmen in J1, like I did last year with the annoying freshmen from J1 (I still can't stand some of the sophomores... it's pathetic, especially if you've seen this year's freshmen, that the sophomores who took J1 last year are WORSE than this year's J1 gaggle). That dumbass Cory, in particular, manages to get on my bad side EVERY SINGLE DAY. The boy has no manners, no respect for ANYONE, including Sensei, who is far too lenient, and has a mouth fouler than Landen's. I want to give him a referral everytime he opens his mouth. I think if he really pisses me off again, I will. Last week I was really on edge and he actually made me mad enough where I just lost it and totally dressed him down in class in front of everyone, very loudly. Twice. In the same class period. I was so pissed off... even Amanda knew not to say anything to me. Cris was like /avoid all period, and I don't really blame her.
But yeah, I've been really happy the past few days. It still sort of... I dunno, makes me nervous when Dave flirts with me... I try not to lead anyone on, but seriously, if you talk to me a lot you'll find that I tend to find the innuendo in EVERYTHING. Most of the time people brush it off because the comments are pretty morbid or sadistic, though. I already told him I wasn't interested after he asked me out... now that was awkward. But I explained to him that there is someone else who I'm extremely interested in, that I'm taken, and he was cool with it. Still friends and all. The problem is, he's about as hard to read as Nicole is, and he is pretty much like me in conversations, teasing everyone, so I can't tell when the hell he's serious and when he's not. Argh. Males. He's a sweet guy and all, but when I say I'm taken, I mean I'm taken. My last real relationship lasted two years. If I fall, I pretty much fall entirely. It makes me a little nervous, really, because I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to myself, and the only person who can actually make me do ANYTHING is whoever I'm with. I... well, I don't trust people easily.
Off of that subject, I don't know if Amanda is getting over Landen finally and just having fun and being a crazy teen with a sugar high, or if she has a crush on David. It's cute, I was watching them in the car and she was being so flirty that I thought she must either really like him, or someone spiked the mountain dew. I think it'd be cute if they got together, but David doesn't seem the least bit interested in her :/ It'd be hard to picture them together, but Amanda's a really sweet person once you get past the gun-obsession, and she's really pretty, plus she's totally outgoing like Dave is, and Dave would be a really nice change from her being crazy over Landen. She even plays the same games as he does and has a lot of the same interests... but I suppose I can't make him like her, ne? Manipulating other people's feelings just should not be done.
Heheh, and Raye will like, attack me and gloat over being right after I talk to her next time. I always ask how she and Rand are doing, which of course makes her ask, "So what about your lovelife? Have you told him yet? Do you plan on EVER telling him?" since after staying over so much late at night when I'm half asleep and babbling, she managed to get the fact that I really like Mugen out of me. That girl would be such a scary interrogator... o.o;; Maybe it's just me, cause she can weasel EVERYTHING out from me @.@;; But now she'll never let me hear the end of it o.<;
Hmm... Amanda can't make it to Macbeth tonight T_T; I guess I'll stay home and go see it with her next weekend, otherwise she'd have to go alone and that's not much fun... Our school theatre is kind of imposing when you're sitting by yourself in the crowd... ¬.¬
But yeah... I reged for Fanime finally, managed to scrape up enough people to do the group reg thing, this year is gonna be so crowded in the hotel rooms @.@;;;;; I wish Mugen-kyun could go, but I suppose that's like him wanting me to go to the AX in Canada... makes for really nice daydreams, but won't be happening for a while since neither of us really has the funds. This is why I was so iffy about long distance stuff... I still am, but I suppose it changes your persective on the situation when you find someone worth waiting for. I still can't believe I actually told him. I sisn't mean to really... it just.. came out. o.o;; I mean... at first it was just like... the usual little conversations about safe topics and small talk... and then that comment about getting married... something in me just clicked when I read that. I just... kept typing. I mean... I can still hear myself in my mind when I was yelling 'WTF are you doing, you moron? STOP WRITING!' at myself. It was pretty bad, I mean, not BAD like wrong, but that halt right after I wrote that final blatant line about telling him.... Oh my god. I turned bright red and I actually ducked my head down. Why did I duck? I have no clue. I was hiding from the screen? All I know is that right after I typed it I had this flash of hope, and then it all just fell out into this huge... wreck of nerves and.. and... and then I was about the closest to crying that I've been in months. Not because of nerves, don't get me wrong, but I mean after he finally typed words. I was so.. relieved... and utterly embarrassed, and I was smiling so much it hurt. It's not good if it hurts to smile. That means you're not used to it. But damnit, I was happy enough to cry, which means I was really fucking happy, so it's justifiable!
Okay, writing that out is definately a relief. It's not really something I'd tell any of my friends, I'm not really gossip-y, and damnit, I needed to tell someone. Even if it was just telling myself. Or you, since you're the only one who really reads this anymore. <3 Thank you. I think maybe you just made my month, year, and life.
Okay, my fingers hurt now. Frozen hands + lots of typing = grar.
-Alieu
2.21.2004 12:52:36 AM
I need a break. I need time alone. I need time with someone I actually give a fuck about. I need... well, nevermind.
I'm so fucking sick of all this. I'm sick of not being able to talk with the people I enjoy conversing with because it feels awkward. I hate having to tell some goddamn freaking stalker off so that he'll stop drawing pictures of me and having him look like he's about to cry whever I'm around. I hate having suddenly bi-curious friends want to experiment with me, like i'm some sort of fucking 30 day trial because all the other bi girls we hang out with are in relationships. I hate having some old married guy ask me if I wanted him as a sugar daddy because he and his wife are swingers and he isn't getting any lately. I hate having all these fucking people constantly staring at me and judging everything I do like I should care about their opinions. I hate having some naive little boy stare at me, my things, and everything I do because I'm 'fascinating' and then wondering why I get irritated with him. I'm not some fucking zoo exhibition, and I sure as hell am not interested in being some sort of kept pet for some rich married guy twice my age because he thinks I'd be good in bed. What the fuck is wrong with people? I'm sick of having fucking stalkers who STAND OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE WAITING FOR ME TO COME OUTSIDE BY SOME OFFCHANCE. I'm sick of people drawing pictures of me without my permission, and people dreaming about me and telling me like it might possibly make me happy for some fucked up reason. I'm sick of people not understanding that I'm just NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. "No" is not a challenge, it's me putting up a boundary that you have NO RIGHT to cross. I guess it just proves how little the people around me understand me or know me. Why is it that the attention you want is the one kind of thing that you never end up getting? I'm not a fucking princess, I'm not your goddamn matchmaker, I'm not your soulmate that's secretly fucking in love with you, and I sure as HELL am not your fucking GODDAMN COUNSELOR.
I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of everything around me. I want this year to hurry up and end already. It's only February, and already I'm wishing for December. I think I shall finally snap this year. I have history, science, art, school clubs, and english; then work, and then japanese class. I can't do it. I want to cry. I've not cried, really cried, in around two and a half years. I feel like ripping something apart. I feel like... like... just curling up and sleeping and never waking up. Make it stop, just make it all stop...
I wish I was so much better than what I am. I wish I was organized and intelligent and pretty and witty and just so much more... But I'm not. So I guess I've learned to accept that. I've learned to accept so much... Fuck it all, I just want someone who's happy enough with me being ME, not some fucking overachiever or honor student or shallow teenage girl who can be won over by money. But I don't trust anyone around me enough to let them that close. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be fucked over, and no one has been able to reach my standards well enough for me to let them in. Nevermind, I don't wish for myself to be better.
I wish for someone I trust enough to be myself with.
...At this point, however, I'm really doubting that there's anyone who WILL accept me with all my flaws. My defects. My desires. Not bloody likely.
2.28.2004 3:10:28 AM
Fucking Hell.
Are you avoiding me? Do you even still read this? Are you even still around?
...do you even give a fuck about me anymore?
This is driving me insane. I wasn't going to post anything, but damnit, I really fucking am getting sick of this. Either I'm a paranoid freak, which the case may be, and you're just too damn busy to ever say hello, or else I've somehow managed to alienate yet another person. It's been two months, and fuck if I haven't talked to you more than three times since then. I'm so fucking confused. Maybe I'm just talking to myself right now, because you're the only person who has this address and I doubt you even bother to check this anymore. I mean... I suppose you really don't have any reason to. Goddamnit, I wish I could tell what you're thinking. I don't know if you're purposely avoiding talking to me, in which case I suppose I can accept just backing off and leaving you the fuck alone if you really don't want to talk to me, or if it's just my frayed nerves. All I want to know is whether or not you've given up on me. You know exactly what I mean. Tell me if I'm crazy, if I'm latching onto illusions, or tell me if you just want me to shut up and go away. All I know is that whatever I do, it never works out the way I originally planned, and I'm sick of not getting things right. I'm so very very tired. I'm tired of having people blame me when things go wrong, I'm tired of having people expects so goddamn much from me, and I'm tired of never meeting anyone's standards. God. There it is. The asian syndrome. "I'll never be good enough for anyone." I feel like laughing at myself and crying at the same time.
I feel like I'm overclocking my mind. I go to school. I go to work. I go to class. I come home and do homework until midnight. I chat for a few hours inbetween and after doing homework. I read until I fall asleep. Then I start the damn cycle over again. Everyone thinks I'm joking, but I'm quite serious when I say that being able to chat on IRC is keeping me sane. It's the one place I can completely let go and dissolve my worries for a little while, and hell, I really do like the people in #mtfn and #ghost and #forum-m (well, excluding TheAntiPiro, our philosophies clash too much and he apparently likes being an asshole) because they are all people who have stuck with me for the past year or longer, and I know a few of them better than any of my other friends. They've come to visit me, they listen to my stories and rants and raves, and I listen to them. They're there. Everything is changing, and it seems like I'm latching on to anything and everything I can trust as stable, diving back into old habits to keep myself as calm as possible. My friends at school give me strange looks because I spend all my time zoned out thinking, or I miss lunch because I'm working on my english essays or reading. Mr. Stringfellow is getting annoyed with me because I spend the 1.5 hours every morning reading instead of paying attention in his class. I know I look like shit. Not that I ever was anything much to look at before, but I know I've gotten paler, and you can tell I don't get much sleep by the bags under my eyes and how much I fall asleep during school. The nightmares are coming more frequently now. Matt told me he's having visions so bad that he's afraid to go to sleep. I know what that feels like. Everything surrounding me is fine, but at the same time, I feel like it's falling apart, all of it, and when I close my eyes I can see the pillars and walls crumbling to dust. For the first time in six years, I perpetually feel like crying. I don't talk anymore, except to my teachers when I have to, and sometimes to Kyle during science because he respects my desire to just not have to talk every once in a while. I've been a wreck, and it's hit the hardest in the past month. When I stop and sit down, or when I'm the the car on the way to work, I don't think anyone else notices, but my hands begin to shake. I don't know what it means. Either it's stress, or perhaps something permanent, like arthritis. My father has arthritis. I don't want anything like arthritis. What if I would never be able to paint, to draw, to CG anything properly again? What if.. Oh fuck it. Goddamnit, I WILL NOT CRY.
Stoicism. Stoicism is the goal. I stumbled across a really interesting philosopher named Zeno of Citium while looking for a candidate for my philosophy essay in english. He was a merchant that got shipwrecked and ended up in Athens. There he studied under Crates the Cynic, and then taught his own philosophy to others. He created Stoicism. I think if I can follow stoicism, I can get through all of this. I was never a fan of religion because most use it as a scapegoat, a way to blame their problems on something else. Religion as faith, I believe that is what runs the race of Humans. Without faith, nothing is possible. Faith in Science, faith in the Gods, faith in Yourself. I was never one to follow anyone else. I don't like it. Being dependant, being a clone, being indistinguishable... perhaps I'm just afraid that one day I'll be washed away and no one will ever know what happens to me because they won't be able to tell me apart from everyone else. I believe they call that identity paranoia. Hey look. My hands are shaking. NO. This WILL NOT HAPPEN. I won't let it. Stoicism. Acceptance. Ration. Rational thought is the basis of Stoicism. Utopia is a society of Rational beings, and there is no such thing as morality beyond the bounds of pure and simple Rational thinking. Acceptance. The universe is an entity, it has a soul. Our place is to accept fate, because it is the divine will of the Universe, manifest into nature, and so we must live in harmony with nature. You cannot change destiny, but instead, you choose your path by how you face your destiny. Adaptation. Acceptance. Humans are social animals, and thus, have a duty to fulfill that part of thier lives. Social contact isn't always pleasant, but it is ingrained into your very essence, into the core of what makes us Human. Acceptance. Acceptance...
I want to be able to immerse myself is something, in someone, completely and utterly, with everything I have. I want time. I want to read and not have to stop to go to class; I want to write and not have to worry about a grade or sleep; I want to draw and not have to stop to eat or go to work. I want to...
Do I want to accept that everything I want so desperately to do will never happen? No. I suppose I don't. Regardless, however, I don't think I'll get through next week unless I do. Besides, even if something I wanted miraculously appeared before me, I don't know if I could give everything up to take that chance. I used to be able to say, "Yes, with everything I have, I'll give anything a shot, you can't know unless you try." Now, I'm not so certain. I think I've lost my nerve.
I just don't want to lose my will.
3.01.2004 12:20:15 AM
Watching Raye and David makes me feel queasy. I'm glad I fell asleep during the third disk of Hellsing, I don't think I could've stood much more of seeing them make out in the corner of my eye. Stupid fucking perephrial (or however the fuck you spell it) vision. Yay for bucket hats, because people can't tell you're asleep under them.
I hate playing third wheel when we're not in public.
.alieu
3.03.2004 9:42:55 PM
my throat feels dry. everyone always said that when you're really angry or scared or in pain, you say things that you don't mean to say. i always took it to mean that you said things you didn't really mean. now i think perhaps i was wrong, and what really happens is that you say things you believe, but aren't willing to admit to otherwise.
i never knew what they meant when they described 'unfocused', 'crazy', or 'wild' looking eyes... but now i know what they meant. blind eyes, seeing but unseeing, full of the fear you might expect to see on a five year old's face when you tell them the sky is falling. simple, unclouded, straightforward fear. wide eyes, imploring you to say it's not true, or to tell them that everything is okay.
i
...i had a lot more to write, but suddenly, i feel no need to write it down. my head aches and throbs annoyingly, and i have hours upon hours of homework to do. 6 hours of sleep in over 72 hours is not making me any more charitable towards idiots who try to talk to me.
this post has been made gradually over the time period of approximately 5 hours.
good night.
3.08.2004 9:49:22 PM
So last Wednesday, my father blacked out, had a seizure, and proceeded to run across the house for three hours before passing out from exhaustion and sleeping for four hours. We think it had to do with the recent change in his medication. He's a diabetic, you see. He picked me up from school and while we were in the car he wouldn't stop yelling and shaking. He told me he couldn't see, kept yelling that he was almost dead, and repeatedly yelled that he wanted to go home first before taking me to work. I had to give him directions because he didn't know how to get from school back to our house. He didn't know where we were. He could barely see and was driving between lanes. It's a good thing it's only 2 miles to our home. When we got home, he pulled into the driveway and forgot to put the car in park. After I got him to park the car properly, albeit sideways, his hands were shaking so hard he could barely open the bottle of juice he had. I got out of the car and opened his door, trying to get him to come inside the house with me. I was doing pretty well around that time. Unfortunately, I'm not a very strong person. I'm only 5'1 and I barely weigh 110 lbs. so I couldn't do much when he fell out of the car. I'm so grateful we were right against the grass, so he didn't smack his head on the cement of the driveway. I was more than a little freaked out by now, and I think my dad was getting frustrated with me because my face was still the normal emotionless mask I keep on when I'm mentally preoccupied or evading someone. He lay there on the grass for a while, and wouldn't acknowledge my shaking his shoulder or talking to him. I pulled out my cellphone and dialed my sister. No good. She was in San Francisco with Paul. Three hours away. My brother? In class, so he didn't have his cell phone on. Around this point my dad started mumbling, then abruptly wobbled to his feet and ran around the car to the front door, where he collapsed again. I caught him and since i can't hold him up, I slid him down to rest against the door. His eyes were wide open and unfocused. Around then, while I was fumbling to open the door, he started berating me for my inability to help him. He's helped me so much, he said, but what good was I if I couldn't even help him this one time? Indeed.... what good was I? I've no silly notions about myself being capable to help people when they really need me. Apparently I suck at that, as has been proven multiple times. I always fail miserably at the times when I most wish to succeed. Anyways, I brushed it off. After yelling at me to call someone, call my mom, call anyone to help, he got up again and ran inside the house. I sat outside dialing, because once you go inside there is no cell phone signal. Vaguely, I heard the door lock click home. Wonderful. Well, no matter, I still have my keys on me. Although at this point I'm owrried about what he's going to do inside, and if he'll accidentally hurt himself, or hell, intentionally hurt himself. I cannot say I truly love my father anymore, but I absolutely despise feeling helpless, and while I'm not the sweetest person, amazingly enough I do care enough about some people to want desperately to help them if they're in real danger. Again, like with Kiyomi, I failed horribly. I even got berated for my stupidity and lack of control during a crisis by my aunt afterwards. But anyways. I got my mom on the line and at that point my nerves were shot to hell,a nd I had started to sob slightly. I told her to come home immediately because dad was freaking out and I didn't know what to do. Then I went inside. He kept running from the living room couch, the bed in the master bedroom, and the couches in the front room. Everytime he reached one he would stop and throw himself on it, glaring at me if I was there and yelling incoherently. As he ran, he slammed into walls, and I didn't know what to do. I did the most foolish thing you can do in that situation, and I froze. I let my fear override everything, and I slumped down in the front room and cried. Then everytime he ran into the front room, keening as he ran through the house, he would ask me what was happening and yell at me about not going to work, which I repeatedly told him I had called in already to tell them I wasn't going in that day (a lie) and about why I called mom, because she was going to be mad at him for not taking me to work today, or yell at me to shut up. So I cried without making any noise. After about half an hour of this, my mother finally decided to grace us with her presence. She is so clueless sometimes, I swear. Oh yes, her work is ten minutes from home. Anyways, After she got back, I let her deal with his ramblings, and they said a lot of stuff in Chinese. Of course, I understood none of it. I think something snapped when he pushed me away once and said go away. I don't know for sure. But about then I just stopped crying. I sat at the dinner table for a long time, maybe an hour? and my mom called Jeremy again. This time he picked up, and he said he would be home in half an hour since he was at Sac State. He got home about twenty mnutes after my dad fell asleep, and mom was upstairs. I explained what happened to him, and I started crying again, much to my horror. But my brother always knows what to do and what to say and when not to say anything. I love him for that. He hugged me and I got myself back under control. Then he went to talk to my mom. We decided to wait until dad woke up and then try to get him to go to Kaiser to get checked up. Well, my mom decided, and she's a stubborn bitchy woman on PMS, so we went along with it. I called in to my work and left my boss a message that said I wasn't going in that day. Then I called my sister back and told her what was going on. She started driving back then. I spent the next three hours wandering around somewhat dazedly. Nothing really clicked. I tried to write in this blog a few times... not much came out as you can tell. I cried a lot. And then I just sort of... I don't know. In any case, dad woke up, and mom and dad went to sleep in the bedroom instead of going to Kaiser, so me and my brother just let them be. Julia got home about fifteen minutes later, and I felt bad because she missed out on half a day of SF and by the time she got back it was all over. Dad was apparently back to normal, because two hours after that, he woke up and everyone was acting like nothing had happened. Well, my sister didn't really see any of it, and my mom and dad are just used to running away from their problems. It was kind of awkward when I had to find dad's car keys and hat because he couldn't remember what happened to them (dropped in the car and the keys confiscated by me), but he pretty much just skirted around the subject. I heard him making an appointment on friday, so I guess he at least somewhat acknowledges it. Jeremy was quiet, even more than usual, for the rest of the night. It was conforting knowing he was there if I wanted to talk, though. And also knowing that he was fully aware of what happened and was having the same thoughts as I was. Well, that's about it, I guess. I woke up the next morning with the headache I had gotten at the very end of Wednesday night amplified tenfold and a fever. I felt like shit, so I called myself in sick and slept until noon. My fever and headache went away, and left in place of it, a wonderful stack of makeup work I knew I'd have to face on Friday. I went back to sleep. Well, the rest is menial information. I just felt the urge to write something, and then the urge to write all of this down. I think it was mostly because I've come to the conclusion finally that I'm going to have to give up some of my selfish little hopes someday soon. Apparently they just center too much around my own feelings that they really won't be materialized ever because I'll have to accept that the rest of the world has different hopes. Crash and burn, hm? I can't do this anymore. I really can't. ...No, I suppose I CAN, I just don't want to. "Steel your sensibilities, so that life will hurt you as little as possible." So spoke Zeno the Stoic. Wise words. Acceptance may not be my idea of a good time, but I'll have to deal with things and move on, or else I'll be run over. It's like those old mario games where the screen moves at a set pace, and if you don't keep up with the screen as it continues along forwards, you die. I wish... I wish for so much. I wish I could just live life the way I want to, and not have to deal with how other people want me to live my life. I wish I could... I wish I could meet the people I want to meet. I wish I could have something major in my life work out at least somewhat happily for once. One major thing. I'm not asking for everything, just something to have right now. Something to keep and something to keep me, something to anchor me. I feel like I'm in a canoe in the middle of the atlantic, and the only thing I have besides an oar is an unnerving fear whose origin i cannot place of the giant sea creatures and beings underneath my flimsy little bit of wood, waiting for some hideous creature to get bored 60,000 leagues under the surface and decide to put me out of my misery. All I want is an island. I can't cling to school forever like my mother clings to her work. But what else do I have right now?
3.08.2004 9:52:57 PM
Wow. Biggest No-No in writing. ONE BIG HUGE INCOHERENT PARAGRAPH. Go me.
Not like there's anyone but myself to be annoyed with it. Fuck it, I'm to tired to care right now. I feel like crying again. WTF.
3.14.2004 1:54:38 AM
Fuck. I'm so attention/physical comfort starved right now. I have no idea why, but I guess it's just one of those things that happen when you're a teenage with raging hormones and friends who switch pairings within your circle of friends more often than Vana White flips around letters. Well, I guess she just touches the screens now, but you get the point. My fucking GOD. I'm running the same stupid circles in my head as I was like, six months back. I get hot/cold flashes just thinking about it. I'm such a moron. I can't take this~ I know it's stupid, but fuck if I don't really really really just want someone to kiss me and hold me and just be with me right now. Whee. Hormone surge. I think watching Maggie and Kiyomi go through so many guys recently is making my head spin. That and talking to Cris about her boyfriend Andrew. She's so crazy in love with him, and vice versa, that it makes me want to pay for their airfare so they can spend more time together. They're so cute. And then today, we were messing around and stuff and me and Shawn were flirting with Dave over the phone, Shawn because he is silly like that and wanted to yell at someone for not stacking up the Dew cans (don't ask) and making jokes about how he would be "sleeping on the couch tonight!" and such, and me because I was trying to get him to come back so that I could bum a ride home for me and Kaitlen off of him. Apparently, he took me seriously, because about ten minutes later we could hear this loud music and bass from down the street, and sure enough, in walks Davey about half a minute later. I was inside sketching in Trent's room cause that's like, the only place with light, and he came in looking for a cellphone charger. Then he spewed the obligatory Dave perv lines, and proceeded to tell me that he was breaking up with his girlfriend that night cause she stood him up. Well, I guess that answered my question of why he had left the LAN so early. I dunno. I know he's really childish a lot of the time, but he was really sweet today, and really really nice all the time when he was driving me and Kaitlen home. He's so confusing, because I always have these mixed, jumbled up feelings when I'm around him. Damn him for being such a smooth talker and having these rare flashes of absolute sincerity. It would make things so much easier if he was always a bastard. Then he'd be a cute bastard, but at least I'd know for sure that he's a jerk. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Hell, I don't think I ever knew what I was doing. Maybe a few times I thought I did... but in the end, I always end up tongue-tied and confused. I may dress sharp, but underneath it, the layer of cool calm is very thin. Especially when it comes to certain people.
Oh, and John was really gross and kept trying to hit on me. My God. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now after trashing Tiffany's, Kaitlen's, and now Maggie's self esteem. And he's fucking supposed to be dating Maggie now. He makes me sick. His pompus, holier-than-thou attitude, and his incessant need to be better and more informed than everyone gets really fucking annoying. That and he scares the shit out of me when he's angry. He acts like he really would just lash out and smack you if you piss him off. I swear he's bi-polar. It makes me really uncomfortable, because when I'm around him and he's pissy, I feel really vulnerable and so stereotypical weak female, because I know he's really strong and he could rip me apart in two seconds if he wanted to. It's disgusting. All I know is that I wouldn't want to be by myself with him when he gets into one of his hissy fits. He's the only person who really really really scares the fuck out of me because he's strong enough to pulverise anyone he's mad at, and I have this vibe from him, this instinct that he's off-kilter enough to actually go through with it. I don't like feeling scared. It's not very pleasant. Earlier today when he flipped out while we were driving to the store, me and Kaitlen were really freaked out because he got really angry. I swear you could see the veins ticking in his forehead. I was talking to Kaitlen later, and she said she shut up really fast then because she thought he was really gonna just turn around in his seat and smack her. I don't know how she managed to stand being his girlfriend and spending so much time with him alone together... much less having the guts to break it off with him when he's so intimidating. He's one of those kinds of people who you makes you think that in the future, they're going to be the abusive fathers and husbands that other people die from. He's fucking scary.
Kaitlen... my god. If Jordan didn't have that goddamn brother complex and threaten to like, stop talking to me if I touched his darling little Kaitlen, I would totally ask her out. She's so... Kaitlen. Adorable, intelligent, sweet, sexy, kinky, artsy, and actually INTERESTED. Well, I think I'm being silly by thinking she might actually be interested in ME, but she keeps talking about wanting a girlfriend. Goddamn. I really wish I had more guts and boldness when it actually counts. I get stupid and stuttery and my mind totally blanks when I come close to actually confronting someone I like and telling them so. Apparently, I also blush like a cherry tomato, which is odd because otherwise I NEVER blush. The only time I've ever blushed in public was when I yelled something embarrasing really loudly just as Andy and Charlie walked past (the two cutest, if also snobbiest, korean guys at school) last year at lunch.
I have a ring. It's sitting in my room, laced through a thin silver chain, inside a small maroon box. It's silver, and has a very special message engraved on it. It makes my eyes water when I look at it. The box is inside a slightly bigger green box I got as part of a christmas gift last year, and my bunny zodiac charm sits inside the green box on top of the maroon box guarding it. It's something that's very precious to me. And no, that wasn't a stupid Gollum joke. It's really important to me, that little trinket. I think maybe Tiffany was right when she teased me about symbolism and flowery writing and stuff being because I'm an artist. It's really a pretty ring, though the chain doesn't do it much justice. There's still only one person I'd even vaguely consider giving it to. Still. But I suppose my standards are still too high for me to think about giving something like that away to someone who doesn't voluntarily choose to take proper care of it. This is making me feel like crying, so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Even though everytime I look at that stupid little green box with its silly little christmas trees decorating it, I can't help but wonder why I keep it so hidden and why I don't just wear it myself. It would save me a whole mess of confusion and self-inflicted pain. Maybe I'm a masochist at heart and really don't know it.
Okay, now I'm going to allow myself to have a few monets of pure fangirl gossip. Oh. My. GOD. Wow, that was really girly. But hell, we were at the arcade last weekend, and there was this asian guy in front of the DDR machines with a group of guys, and I literally stopped in the doorway when I saw him. I first I thought he was a girl, cause he was pretty thin and had really nice, longish pretty hair... and then he turned slightly and I think my mouth literally dropped open. My GOD. He was about 5'7 or so, black straight hair brushing against and curving around his shoulders, very waify, thin oval glasses, sort of like mine... and that face. He was so cute. When he turned his head, it was to look at one of his friends in the little circle around him, and he was laughing, and his whole face lit up when he smiled. It was... ahh, I can't describe it with words. I shook myself and walked around, past thier group about twice, and the rushed back outside to find my female friends that were following us in another car. They still weren't there, so I went back inside and just watched him. Did I already say he was cute? He was Taiwanese or Chinese, I think. Really dazzling cute grin, and an attractive shape to his face, almost korean jaw and cheekbones. He was so amazingly cute. I don't know what it was, but damn, I couldn't stop looking at him. Their group starts walking to the exit and I got really dissappointed and nervous. Then they exit the building, so about half a minute later, I do too. Then I stop dead in my tracks, cause there's all of his friends standing with their backs to me and HIM kneeling down with a camera to take a picure of them with the arcade sign over the door and stuff. DAMN. That means he's probably not from around here. Damn damn damn. I stay hidden behind his friends and they take the pictures. Then they all start moving out to the parking lot, and I rush over to where my friends just pulled into a parking space. I run over to April's door and tap impaitiently on her window. "OH MY GOD. There is this REALLY hot guy that is in the parking lot right now." (half whispered) ::makes swooning and fainting motions against the side of the car. "OMG! I TOLD YOU GUYS! I saw him too!" and me and April like, JoyGasm while Cris and Maggie laugh at us. Then I point the group out as they're standing around their car, a black jeepish thing that looks like Trent's, and I point him out. Hahahah, Cris isn't laughing anymore. XD I don't think I shut up about him for the rest of the night. We wanted to stay until the Korean guys came in, but they didn't usually show up until around 9:00-9:30 at night, and I had to be home at 8:30. Damn parents. Anyways, they didn't come back in, and I cursed myself for being a wimp since I'll probably never see him again, and then I think thhat well, he would probably just have been freaked out if I walked up and asked for his number, or gave him mine. But God Damn he was hot. Whee. Okay, well, that was my indulgence for the month. He was so cute. I don't think I've ever flipped out that much over a stranger before... but he was so incredibly cute~ Ahh, I really am pathetic sometimes. Okay, shutting up now.
.alieu
3.15.2004 10:08:56 PM
Whee. Aya Ueto is so damn adorable... I want to corrupt her. She's the perfect girl. I'm so in lust with her. XD Really though, gorgeous voice, defiant stare, cute impish chipmunk grin, BEAUTIFUL eyes, and the most kissable lips ever created. Mmmm... I wish she lived around here. And was queer. Or at least bisexual. She makes my pulse race.
Err, anyways... I got my english essay back, that mondo philosophy one we had to do, and I got really well on it! I was one point off from a perfect score. ~_~ Heehee. Anyways, Mr. Fodchuk is an uber ego-booster. :3 He wrote me the nicest letter on the end of my essay, and it totally lifted my spirits. I still feel really weary with school and work and everything in my life, but he's just about the only person who really gives me pep talks I pay attention to nowadays. It's nice to feel appreciated, even if that appreciation isn't coming from the sources to want it to come from most. Hell, it's nice being accepted. There's only so long you can stay a loner. If I try to cut myself off from idiots and people who irritate me or disgust me, I block out nearly everyone, and it just makes me feel lonely. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't let myself get attached to certain people every few years. Loneliness is only painful when there are memories of being with someone you really care about. Humans are social animals, hmm? Well fuck. Why is it so hard, then? I feel so... alone. I want to be with someone, simply for the sake of being WITH someone. That's so pathetic. I know it's completely stupid and utterly idiotic, but fuck if I really just want to have someone I can rely on for comfort and security right now.
I hate this feeling. It's fucking with my mind.
3.16.2004 11:28:20 PM
Hahahaha.
All I have to say is: Satan, you rock so fucking hard. I wish I could have been there.
Oh, and yesterday I would have wanted to know what happened to Kiyomi, and who the fuck bitch that replaced her thought she was. Tonight, I really don't give a fuck anymore. :) If you're not willing to help yourself, you deserve every last inch as you sink deeper into the compost heap. Fuck you, Kiyomi. And your little bum, too. I DESPISE Matt Krugle, but right now, you're pretty damn high on my list of people I don't want to talk to for a LONG FUCKING TIME. I was stupid for thinking that because you were someone I actually connected with, you would actually give a fuck about me. Screw that. I was there for you every time you ever needed a helping hand. I was there when you needed a place to spend the night. I was there when you needed a phone or computer to use because your mom banned you from them. I was there when you got drunk and called me, bawling your eyes out. I was there when you fucking RAN AWAY FROM HOME. I took days off from work to comfort you, I bumed rides off of friends to get to you when you broke down crying, I was there when you needed to talk and vent and rant and confide, I was there the morning after every one of your relationship starters, I was there everytime you chipped away a little more at what tiny bit of heart I put out for you, everytime you told me you were kissing someone and dating someone new and I was there every fucking time you told me about how much farther you went with your new boyfriend or girlfriend and how much you're head over heels with them. I could deal with that. I learned to deal with that. You were my best friend for the two and a half years I've known you, and it was HARD AS FUCK to ignore the fact that I was attracted to you. I watched you disintegrate, and I think it hurt the most not when you weren't ever there for me, but when you wouldn't let me help any more. Fuck this. I'm done. Everytime someone comes along and actually clicks with me, they always end up leaving and I always end up helpless. I should just stop entirely. But as annoying as it is to admit, after giving so many sickening pep talks to people about being optimistic and how you'll never know unless you try... I think a little part of me believes that too now.
Well, that doesn't mean that I can't go back to being a hermit again. :D
.alieu
3.21.2004 12:47:42 AM
Taylinn Okibi (11:57:44 PM): i'm tired @.@
AlieuSylvrstrymz (11:57:59 PM): ::drags you onto a bed and falls asleep::
Taylinn Okibi (11:58:12 PM): lol
Taylinn Okibi (11:58:25 PM): *falls asleep as well?*
AlieuSylvrstrymz (11:58:51 PM): /log : "I SLEPT WITH KAITLEN!"
Taylinn Okibi (12:00:08 AM): lol
Whoo. So yeah. I spent today and yesterday screwing around with Trent, Kaitlen, Brian, Shawn, Satan, and Dave, and being bored with them. We watched movies and played silly games and messed around and went to the arcade and out to eat and to the mall, and were just all around normal teenagers who have too much free time and very little money. It was GREAT. Friday we had no school, and we really didn't wanna go to see the play at school or see John, Maggie, Gondek, or Tazer, so we ended up spending hours and hours trying to figure out what to do, watching movies, raiding Trent's kitchen, playing a rather scrambled game of DnD (sorry Satan), and going to dinner at Red Robin. It was so much fun. Trent's house is cool to hang out in, cause his mom is gone or doesn't mind us being there, and we can watch movies or mess around on his computer or just sit and talk (we did a lot of that XD) and it's just... us. There's no annoying people around, we can hop on the net if we need to, Trent's always got something to do, even if it is just us sitting in his room chatting and complaining about various things, and the bottom line is that it's comfortable to just chill out there. :D Today we sat around, watched Reign of Fire (that was cool! I wish I could have seen it in theatres!!!), wandered around the mall for a bit, went to the arcade in the morning and mucked around there for a couple hours, and just hung out. It was really cool. ^_^ I think I'm getting addicted to socializing, though. @.@;; And I'm running out of money FAST cause my stupif fucking paycheck still hasn't come! WTF????!!!?!?!
Anyways. I still want to go see Hidalgo. Maybe my sister will take me to see it! :D She said she wanted to... Well, in any case, I'll find a way to see it while it's still in theatres. })
/yawn
Omg. I'm so bored. And tired.
Someone needs to shoot me. I am so tempted to just ask her out. o.o;; Even though I know it's stupid cause i have no time or money to be in a relationship, if she even said yes. Gyah. She's so....cute. But I digress. If I can deal with liking Kiyomi for two years and no one noticing, I'm sure I can manage keeping myself clear of letting HER know. Unless Tazer already told her. Blah. I shall resist, though. It's just not fair for anyone to be asked to wait for someone else. I learned that the hard way. Apparently I'm some sort of freak who gives too much away when I give anything at all away, even when I should realize that others simply don't want that responsibility. It saddens me, it really does. I want to be in a relationship again. Wah. But I have no time for one, what am I saying? I'm a fucking moron, I can't even turn in my SAT regging on the right date.
And then that whole thing with Dave and marriage? Bwah. If he got hitched, he'd have to stop flirting. I can't imagine a non-flirting Dave. o.O;; I suppose if they're that serious, I'll probably just back off and restrain from making lewd comments and shit, but he said he couldn't see them lasting another year together. What's that supposed to mean? Meh. He confuses me. His girlfriend is so adorable~! ^_^ Me and Kaitlen saw her picture in the car, and she's a girl from church, eh? Awww, that's so cute. X3 Seriously though, I really can't imagine Dave married at this age. I think it's stpid, because you haven't even experienced life, you're still stuck in highschool! There's no slack to let you explore the world and other people and find out if that's really what you want. There's intelligence, and then there's experience. You need both in making a decision like that. I dunno, maybe it's because I used to like him or something, or because i still flirt with him even though I know he's got a girlfriend. And if she's the jealous type like he says... I can't imagine her dating someone who's as... Casanova.. as Dave is. I dunno, maybe I just have never seen how he acts around her, so I'm being unfair, but it's their decision. I just think that anyone who thinks they're ready to get married right out of highschool has got a LOT of learning to do. The world's a big place. If you settle for the something before you've experienced even half of the possibilities in life, you're bound to be disappointed or shortchanged in the long run.
I don't know why I'm not really interested in guys right now. Well, besides that one guy from the arcade a while back. I think maybe I'm still not quite over Jeff yet. I dunno exactly why I fell so hard for him, but I did, and I can't get him out of my system now. Probably because I don't really truly want to. I still miss him. It makes me wonder what the hell it is exactly that I miss... but I think maybe it's that feeling of knowing someone you care about cares back. It seems so stupid when I look back at it because I never even really met him, and my mind is still going, "How can you feel that way about someone you've never met, someone you've never even REALLY known? Afterall, it's easy to put up guises on the internet..." but all I know is that I still feel WAFF-y and get angsty when I think about him even now. After over two months. Two weeks of which was spent being either ignored or avoided. I'm trying to forget, I really am, I keep telling myself I'll be better off if I just give up, because it's obvious he's given up on me, but all it does is makes my throat dry and bring back feelings that haven't dulled in the slightest. Did I fuck up on New Years? Did I royally screw over any chance I might have had? I dunno. Maybe I fucked myself over the minute I said anything to him at all. Maybe I should never have confessed, because fuck if he could have lived without the heartache, if he even went through any, and I'm pretty damn sure it'd be a lot easier to forget if I didn't know what it felt like to be completely happy just talking to him or completely protected hearing his voice.
Maybe Matt was right when he said that there's a male part and a female part of every bisexual person. I guess the male part of me is having a field day while the female part is still being pathetic and angsting over his complete 180 turn back to not noticing I'm there at all. It was easier to deal with when I could delude myself into thinking that the reason he looked me over was simply because he didn't really know me that well. Feeling him go back to that after... it just stings, even though I know it's perfectly logical. Well, "Don't regret anything, and don't do anything you might regret," right? I'm such a fucking hypocrite.
I don't know why the fuck I'm so stuck on this stuff when I should just be happy that I've been having so much fun the past few days. I feel like crying because of all the fucked up things running through my mind, all the crazy shit I should know better than to believe/fixate on, but at the same time, I know I should be happy because goddamnit, the past two days have been some of the funnest times I've had in months. Part of me feels empty, but the other part of me feels so... like a maelstorm or whirlwind. Like there's a tornado centered over and trashing a big grassy plain, but that hole in the eye of the tornado is a void, and something really essential should be in that void. I'm missing something, and I don't know how to get it back, or why the fuck I need it so desperately.
Maybe I should just be locked up in a looney bin. Then the only people I'll see are the doctors and nurses, and maybe my family during visiting hours. Eventually they'll stop bothering to visit, though, and I'll be left all by my lonesome locked up my the little white box in my mind. My white-walled box free of attachments and quarrels and confusing emotions. Untouchable.
Fuck that.
.alieu
3.28.2004 2:54:24 AM
Nick's party rawked. It was really laid back and fun, and I'm really glad I got to go. :D I ran around with Kaitlen and Cris and April in the field of Antelope Crossing, and then we went and played in the playground ont he swings and stuff! XD It was so much fun~ And then, errr....shit. I forgot that guy's name again. XD It's something really wierd, Hai-something or other. Oh well. That asian guy who was playing poor and is on the breakdance team/club thingy at school. Me and Cris and April were showing him Korean Music videos cause we wanted him to dance like they do! Heehee. It was cool, but I guess he was right, they really aren't that difficult to learn if you look at them closely. But they still look cool! Err, anyways, Cris and Trent kicked butt in Billiards, and Dave provided the music with his car's sound system. There was Coca Cola and Hawaiian pizza and good music and cool people and it was just so much fun! I loved every minute of it! [heart] John took off early without giving anyone a ride (as usual) and then Dave left without giving rides either... so that kind of sucked. But Tazer found a ride home and we were able to cram everyone else into Trent's jeep (YAY!) and everyone got home okay. :3 I think Trent and Dave are half the reason we can get together all the time, cause John would just ditch everyone and no one else drives. XD They're sweet guys, though. I try and help out with gas money every now and then, and I probably should give Dave gas money too, since I don't think I've done that in a long time, but I'm just really glad they're there and willing to help. Unlike SOME people. XP But moving on. The ride home was nice. After Brian got in the front seat, Kaitlen laid down and used my lap as a pillow. I was rather surprised and somewhat disturbed at how many times I was groped between Kaitlen and Maggie that night, but, uh, okay. And Dave dances like Landen. That scares me. o.O; Anyways, it was a BOATLOAD of fun, and I can't wait til tomorrow cause we're gonna hang out again and I get to see Trent's new house! Whee~ But Kaitlen says she won't be able to hang out tomorrow cause she promised Tazer and Fredrick she was gonna go play something or other with them. :/ Oh well.
So I was wondering. What exactly am I missing in my life? I've got friends and something of a social life, the people I hang out with are decent, funny, nice, I get good grades (for the most part), I've got a family, I'm not poor, I've got goals... What am I missing? I don't know. Maybe I do know, but I can't see it when I look. Whatever it is, I hope it shows up soon, because I think I'll go insane if it doesn't. I think it's about time for me to make new dogtags.
.alieu
3.30.2004 5:07:14 PM
Wow. How depressing. This is so entirely not a good prelude to a relaxing, enjoyable spring break.
I feel like shit.
So I finally got Jeff's tag back from the engravers after like, four months and two returns because the people who work there can't spell worth shit. How can you misspell words that are written out for you already? It's not like anyone there needs glasses, except for that one elderly manager lady who doesn't do engravings. Che. Well, now I've got a silver tag and three collars and I suppose I'll have to stop by the bank sometime soon to get cash to mail it all out. Good god, that took far too long. But damn if it isn't really really sexy looking. Seriously. I think I'd be inspired to get straight A's in all of my college math courses if I got to see that on him in person. But oh well. I suppose I really should shake myself out of this rut I've dug.
So I'm all stoked, right, cause this art book my sister loaned me for my research on the Venus de Milo sculpture mentioned Zeno the Stoic IN the passage about Venus de Milo. What crazy coincidence is that? It boggles my mind. Anyhow, I'm all happy cause I get to present all the info I dug up on this statue, and it really is an interesting thing, a Hellenistic piece created before its time... It's really gorgeous, too. But anyways, I'm all set and I took a nap in fourth period because I was really worn out since I haven't been getting much sleep. I've been reading my new book I picked up, "Lost in a Good Book" about this girl, Thursday Next, who is a literary detective and travels through different novels. Lots of fun, and full of satire. Great read, I finished a fifth of it today. I walk over to Mr. Reed's room for AcaDeca afterschool, and I know, I'm a huge geek and totally off my rocker for being this into something to academic and nerdy, but fuck, I was really pumped up to be on this year's team. I mean, our novels are Sophecles' Antigone, Electra, and Oedipus, three of the most brilliant tragedies ever to grace any playwright's stage. And then out Super Quiz topic was going to be Astronomy. Did I ever tell anyone that I used to want to learn every constellation and be a real stargazer, in every sense of the word? I remember, my aunt promised to take astronomy classes with me when I was little and I used to ask her to take me to the planetarium all the time. Stargazing is nice. You can collect your thoughts, and if you ever have any problems, all you have to do is look up at the sky and all the worries and doubts and nagging insecurities you have suddenly seem to pointless because you're looking up at the sky and the thousands of stars, and suddenly, you realize just how little you really are. How little you really mean to the world. If you had or didn't have those problems that are dragging you down, it really wouldn't change the world turning, so it's just stupid to worry about them. It's calming. And htere's a certain satisfaction, and contentment that you get when you can name the constellations in the sky above you, and you can tell someone, or even just retell yourself, the greek, roman, or egyptian myths behind them. The story of Orion and his hunting dogs, of the scales of justice and of pegasus. It's nice to let yourself be a dreamer every once in a while. So I'm all deliriously, geek-y happy waltzing into Mr. Reed's classroom at 2:40, and I sit down and we just lounge about til Mr. Fodchuck comes in. Then comes the speech.
"Hey guys, look, I'm really sorry, but there are only 9 people signed up for the class, and I spent all day and got 2 more people to say they would join... but without the AcaDeca course, there's just not enough time for me to coach AcaDeca this year. If we don't get the class approved for next year then I just can't coach. My wife and I are buying a house right now, and I've got all this stuff going on in my life,a nd I just don't have 40 hours a week to devote to this anymore. Not this year anyways. Sorry guys, but that's just how it stands."
"I'm with Mr. Reed on this one, we talked it over and decided yesterday; if someone else steps up to coach, I'll be more than happy to help out with the English and Lit. parts, but there's only so many years you can tell your wife, 'Hey honey, I'm not going to be home until 7 or 8 tonight, and I'll be gone on the weekends, too. Oh, and could you make me some dinner when I get home, cause I get really hungry working with these students...?' If we don't get this class approved tomorrow, then I can't put up that much time. My wife and I are buying a house this summer as well, so I'm pretty much in the same boat as Mr. Reed on this one. I'm really sorry guys."
...
Ah well. Maybe I'm just being silly. I mean, I was talking to Mr. Fodchuck before 3rd period anyways, and he seems to think that I'm putting too much stress on myself this year. He asked me to read this article, and it was about how society puts so much stress on teenagers to get good grades in high school and blah blah blah... But that's not why I want good grades. I want good grades because they make me feel good about myself, there's a sense of achievement and not just a little bit of pride when you can look at yourself and say that you actually learned stuff, and here's the proof. I mean, it's like saying to yourself, look, I know I'm intelligent, me myself and I, and I can do what I set my goals on to do if I really want to. The pride you glean from that gets addictive, trust me. As much as I despise pride, it's a drug that's seeped into my veins as well. That, and the colleges I want to go to aren't looking at grades, but mostly portfolios. The reason I want to get good marks and do all these things, is because I'll need them to get grants and scholarships, because otherwise I'll never be able to pay my way through College, even if I do get in. I think that's my biggest fear right now: to be accepted into a school like Otis or the LA or SF divisions of CalArts and the Academy of Art colleges... and to not be able to go simply because I can't support myself and pay tuition at the same time. I don't want to be stuck here. Not in Roseville, and not in the dead end job I've got right now. Not in a place where I can't afford to buy an easel or a new set of charcoal tools simply because whatever I make goes stright into costs for food, SAT and other school stuff, paying my way on the few trips I get to go on where I tag along with my cousin or sister, and the money it costs to just hang out with my friends every now and then. This city wrings me dry of any money I make, and I hate that. I hate not being able to get anywhere without depending on someone else to help me. It sucks. I want to be able to make money doing something I enjoy. I got invitations from three different art schools to join their summer programs on their campuses, but I couldn't go because I can't raise that kind of money. I wanted to go to Oxford to study there for a month. They provided housing and trips to all these neat places in the British Isles... I'd love to see Europe. But it cost a few thousand too much. 5 thousand dollars. I can't afford that for one summer, and yet I expect to be able to afford 40 thousand a year to go to Otis if they accept me. Gods. I want an Ororon. Hahah, yeah right, if only everything in life were like the stuff they write in manga. I'm losing it. Anyhow, I guess it's better this way. I think perhaps I've bitten off more than I can chew this year anyways. Perhaps I'm asking too much of everyone else around me. Damnit, I hate havign such high standards sometimes, but I hate it even more that no one ever lives up to them, and even more so that I feel I should hate them for those reasons. My standards are deadly. If people choose not to live by them, it's not my decision to judge them. Fuck if it's not hard though when everyone around you doesn't fit these silly notions you have in your mind, and that you're too insecure to live up to those silly notions and ditch them all to find people who DO. They're great people, but the could be so much more if they wanted to. I think I'm too ambitious, and I expect others to be just as ambitious. Wonder of wonders, perhaps everyone else isn't as ruthless and fucked up as I am. Tough shit.
I guess I should just shut up and go to class. The lady from Haagen Dazs called back~ I called her yesterday X3 Anyhow, uhh, I should go now.
Ooh, and Jester gets a BIG BIG PRIZE. He gets uber props from me for scoring an 80 on my test. Damn, he's good. Must come from being around me so much for the past two years on the forums and irc. XD Funny, cause I would have never thought of him as the type to pick up so much on my personality. Nice job, though. :3 Okay, that lifted my spirits a bit. I've wasted an hour and a half on the computer, and I need to get to class. Bai bai.
.alieu
3.31.2004 10:03:07 PM
I can't decide if today was a good day or not.
I decided last night that I should try wearing my necklace myself. That ring on its shiny little silver chain. Of course no one knows what it really means, but apparently I looked good today. It's funny, because it feels nice, sort of, to try and really take a step to just let go, but at the same time, I stll feel funny wearing it. It just feels... heavy. It doesn't fade into me like the rest of my accessories. I feel so... self conscious when I have it around my neck. It's so unfamiliar. So.. noticable. I had to forcibly tell myself not to reach up and adjust it again because my hands kept going to my neck unconsciously. Well, apparently angst and self confidence looks good on me or something, because i don't think I've ever gotten this many compliments before. Well, normally I don't get ANY, but whatever. I suppose it's nice to hear people tell you that hey, wow, you look GOOD today! and have them actually mean it.
After school everyone met up and I guess they all hung out after school. It's days like these when I really wish I didn't work. It was funny, because I was kinda depressed then, and I was just sort of stumbling along listening to my cd player while everyone walked behind/beside me talking about random things, and my CD player decided to suddenly play the one happy song on the cd, "Feeling Fine". Actually, it's playign right now...
Are you feeling fine?
Nemurunai arui wa
Kimi no [ ] ga
She said, "Loving you made me happy everyday"
It's got this rock-ish spunky beat, that's sort of peppy, but pretty laid back and very L'arc... and hearing it sort of cheered me up, and at the same time, kinda made me even sadder. Well, it made me smile at everyone. It lifted my spirits up while I walked, and then when they left to cross the street, it just made me feel silly. So I stood there and sung along in my mind and looked kinda goofy just standing there on the corner mouthing lyrics to myself while waiting for my ride to show up.
I stopped to talk with Mr. Fodchuk before 3rd period, and I asked him if they'd really want to coach even if we did get the class, since I know they're both really busy. I don't blame them, after 4 years (6 for Mr. Reed) of giving up so much of thier time for this stuff, I'm sure they'd love a chance to spend more time with their wives. FFS, they're both buying houses! That's a big thing. We're just highschoolers looking for college boosters and something fun to do. Honestly, I really want to compete this year, but I'd feel bad if we did. I can't imagine how hard it must be for their wives. It sucks, because part of me really just wants to be selfish and get people to sign up for the class so we can get it and they can drop it later, but the other logical part reminds me that I blew it off last year, and that every married couple deserves to enjoy what time they have together. You're only here for so long, and if you're lucky enough to find someone that you would marry, hell if you should miss any opportunity to spend time with them. Anyhow, he said that he really didn't want people in the acadeca class who were just there to drop it later, he and Mr. Reed were getting sick of the fact that in a school of 2000 students, not even 30 could find the interest to join. I agree with that, it's pathetic and it makes me ashamed of this school. But fuck, that doesn't change the fact that I really want to participate this year! Anyhow, i had to cut our convo short since he got a phone call and I had to book it to class. After art I went right back to Mr. Fodchuk's room to chat some more, and Mr. Grummert showed up. It was pretty cool, this other girl came in and we were talking about past english classes and Ramon and just gossiping like idiots. It took my mind off things, cause I was kinda broody after spending an hour and a half in Mrs. Becker's room staring at my face trying to draw it. Gives you lots of time to think and to find all the flaws in your physical appearance. Anyways, people just kept coming into the room, and I never actually got to talk to Mr. Fodchuk about it again, but I suppose that's for the best. He did tell me though that they would be talking to the principal after school, and that there's plenty of time, so nothing will really be decided until after spring break.
Whoo. I just totally dumped out all my doubts about today to Matt, and he said that decent people are hard to find. I think he made me feel better just with one single line. "Hell, I waited 17 years to meet you, didn't I?" *^_^*
Paul is here. He came last night and brought me the latest Asuka mag and also L'arc~en~Ciel's new album, SMILE. It rocks. It's got a dead smiley face on the cover and on the CD. It's so awesome. X3 But then today Julia and I were supposed to go see Hidalgo. ...the fact that everyone but me has seen it kinda stings, but whatever, I'm just being stupid. Anyhow, it turns out she's in Reno. With Paul and Doug. So I ended up calling dad for a ride home. Okay, I think I hear them. I guess I should go now that they're back. I still have to clean my room before I can go out shopping with Cris, Kaitlen, and April on Saturday.
.alieu
4.12.2004 2:23:45 PM
Whoo. Fuckin'A. I want to do something. Or like, go out on a date. Yeah.
.alieu
5.09.2004 10:48:01 PM
So here's silly little Alieu, still wanting to be friends with people, so she decides to message good old Jeffy. Who is probably avoiding her. Who probably doesn't really need to be talking to her when he's trying to graduate and ignore his friends who are dating and all over each other. But she messages him anyways.
AlieuSylvrstrymz: Hello! ^^ Uhm, just saying 'Hi' and whatnot since I haven't seen you in a while. Not sure if you're still awake or not, since it's past midnight over there, but, uh... yeah. ^^;
Auto response from SeraphInfinity: I am currently away from my computer.
SeraphInfinity has returned from Away.
SeraphInfinity: Hey Joanie ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: hello ^_^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: whatcha been up to? haven't talked to you in a while ^^;
SeraphInfinity: School
SeraphInfinity: School
SeraphInfinity: More school
SeraphInfinity: And some Gaia ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: lol
AlieuSylvrstrymz: sounds like me, except replace the gaia with work. X3
SeraphInfinity: Eh, I work too, but it's not often enough that it bothers me ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: got finals coming up
AlieuSylvrstrymz: ?
SeraphInfinity: Nah, summatives -_-
AlieuSylvrstrymz: it's your last year of HS, right? so you'll be graduating
SeraphInfinity: Yeppers
AlieuSylvrstrymz: summatives? oh right, different stuff for canada schools
AlieuSylvrstrymz: ^^;
SeraphInfinity: Actually, more like different stuff for my school
SeraphInfinity: It's supposed to prepare us for uni, so they give us these assignments that we're supposed to do on our own that're worth something like 30% of our mark
AlieuSylvrstrymz: o.O;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: yipes.
SeraphInfinity: Yeah, it's mighy fun ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: welps, it looks like i'm off to bed since i've gotta get up early tomorrow to catch up on missed work in art... so i'll see ya around! ::huggles:: g'nite jeff ^^
SeraphInfinity: Night Joanie, take care, and sleep well ^^
SeraphInfinity: /me hugs back
And here's the same silly little twit wondering why the hell she still has WAFF-y feelings whenever she talks to him, even now when she's supposedly finally gotten OVER it all.
...
.alieu
5.23.2004 1:42:50 PM
Waaaaaaa..... I want to go dress shopping.
...Shut up. I'm serious! Err.. well, sort of. I dunno... I had this really odd dream this morning and I was in this department store with my sister.. and I was in this reall odd white dress/white wings getup, which was really pretty, actually... and I wanted to try on dresses. It was kind of creepy. There was some evasion of my sister since I think I assumed she wouldlaugh at me or something o.O;; and then the dressing rooms were full, and then I woke up. Uhhh... yeah. So now I want to go buy dresses. But not just dresses like stuff you wear everyday, I want Gowns. You know, stuff you normally wear maybe... once every six months. Long, elaborate, gorgeous, expensive, hand-tailored gowns. Whatever. I woke up and put my favourite slacks on anyways, and its not like I have money to indulge those kinds of strange spur of the moment wants that are completely irrational, so, uhh.. I'll move on. X3 Duh. Oh, I do, however, require an 80s outfit for tomorrow. Hrm... ::brings up google::
Well, I guess that's it for now. I just have one last question.
Why the fuck do I still care, and why the fuck does it still hurt every day that he doesn't talk to me?
.alieu
6.12.2004 2:20:03 AM
Ahhhhh... I haven't written in here for a while. It feels nice, almost nostalgic. Pleh, what am I babbling on about now? Well, no matter. I had fun today, and found out that Satan is a good cook, although he refused to grill the burgers and hot dogs naked under a frilly apron. Needless to say, the rest of us were highly dissappointed. XD Yeah, so I went and hung out with Satan, Cris, April, Mark, Charlie, and Tazer, and we all sort of crashed Satan's house. It was pretty cool, and Satan's mom was really nice, if a bit kooky. But that's okay. The point is I went swimming, watched them go nuts playing Super Smash Brothers, ate really good burgers, and joked around with a group of friends who actually understood my little half-jokes, snide remarks, and general line of thinking. It felt good.
I wanted to stay that way forever.
There's a weightlessness there. A lack of regard for other, previous responsibilities. A simple singular drive to focus only on that then and there. That's what it means to have fun. Responsibilities are not fun. If you have a responsibility, I can guarantee that the only time you'll have fun with that responsibility is when you forget that it is a responsibility. When it becomes just an object or creature or person that you enjoy being with.
It's so addictive.
Well, I'm going to go put up a picture in my profile and all those little things that I end up doing when I'm procrastinating. Gute Nacht.
.alieu
6.16.2004 4:33:19 PM
Someone should just slap me around a couple times, and maybe try to drown me in a pool. Do you think I'd wake up and move on, then?
...no, I suppose I don't believe it either. Fuck. But it's a good kind of pain.
AlieuSylvrstrymz: hello~ anyone there? :3
Auto response from SeraphInfinity: I am currently away from the computer.
SeraphInfinity: Somebody is >_>
AlieuSylvrstrymz: ^^; ::waves:: well, hello Somebody.
SeraphInfinity: Hello Joanie ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: whatcha been up to?
SeraphInfinity: Not a whole lot ^^;;
SeraphInfinity: Skipping work, sleeping, wondering how long it takes for my body to heal, screaming at Gaians
SeraphInfinity: That's about it really ^^;;
SeraphInfinity: How about you?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: heal? you got hurt?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: not a whole lot, mostly work and looking for scholarships
SeraphInfinity: Twisted my ankle ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: aah, ouch, that sucks
SeraphInfinity: Where're you headed?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: for college you mean?
SeraphInfinity: ...yes...
SeraphInfinity: I can mean something else?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: i'm trying for Otis, Art Institute, or CalArts, and i'm applying to Harvard even though I have a ice cube's chance in hell of actually getting accepted. ^^;;;;
SeraphInfinity: What do you think your chances are?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: i dunno, i'm also headed out to ouce kweam later, and i don't know if you've developed psychic powers in the last few months. >.>;;;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: X3
SeraphInfinity: Well, there was that one case where... >_>
AlieuSylvrstrymz: che, for a school like Harvard? when i want to go into arts or foreign languages? probably a million to one. XP
AlieuSylvrstrymz: lol
AlieuSylvrstrymz: how goes your modding at gaia?
SeraphInfinity: I believe I'm the most underworked mod ever ^^
SeraphInfinity: What about your chances for some more realistic places? :P
AlieuSylvrstrymz: heehee, well, that's always nice :3
SeraphInfinity: Nah, it makes me feel like I'm useless most of the time, though I'm aquiring a rather loyal set of "fans" ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: my chances for the other schools are based on how good of a portfolio i can muster up within the next six months or less. ^^;; they're all art colleges, so it's mostly based on interview/portfolio
SeraphInfinity: Ahhh
SeraphInfinity: So is this basically a flip a coin situation? Or do you think you've got a pretty good shot?
AlieuSylvrstrymz: I think i've got a good shot for CalArts and Art Institute, but Otis only accepts like, 100-200 freshman each year, so that will be really hard.
SeraphInfinity: ....whoa, that's a tiny number!
SeraphInfinity: Sorry, I've reverted to not really talking about much. Conversation has been truly lacking in the last few months, and my supposed skills at it have shrivelled to near nothing ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: ::huggles:: no worries, i've been having these wierd habits of not talking to anyone for the entire day, and then spending like, three hours on the phone at night talking to random people about... well, whatever comes up.
AlieuSylvrstrymz: my dad thinks i'm nutters. X3
SeraphInfinity: Outside of music, I think I've gotten used to not hearing noise ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: hmmm... that must be nice. when i'm not talkative that generally means i don't want people to talk to me, but somehow it just makes then talk to me MORE. o.O;;
SeraphInfinity: Because you're absolutely adorable and people just want to talk with you?
SeraphInfinity: I dunno, I've just been really quiet lately, and everything around me's been really quiet
SeraphInfinity: Not sure if it's good or not, but i'm getting just a little bit tired of it ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: XP more like they think something's wrong and i'm going to kill myself if they don't 'cheer me up'. o.<;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: heheh, you should switch places with me then XD
SeraphInfinity: But it's soo hot in Cali!
SeraphInfinity: I'd burn to death just be being there! ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: oh man, you have no idea. and my dad keeps turning the thermostat up to like, 85.
AlieuSylvrstrymz: my room feels like someone hotboxed it, so i always keep my window open. and it's STILL hot. XP
AlieuSylvrstrymz: blah. but anyways.
SeraphInfinity: It's a nice cool 16 celsius over here ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: lucky~ i feel like i'm melting every day, but it hasn't even come near the hottest temps yet. evetually it'll hit 110, and then i'll just spend my days vegatating in front of the freezer. X3
SeraphInfinity: .......
SeraphInfinity: And that is why I shall never venture further south then New York
AlieuSylvrstrymz: lol
SeraphInfinity: I'd probably still melt in New York ^^;;
AlieuSylvrstrymz: at least if you were right on the coast the sea keeps the weather pretty cool.
SeraphInfinity: Yeah, worse comes to worse, I could dive into the radioactive waters and hope that the radiation kept the waters unnaturally cool ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: hehehe
SeraphInfinity: Ack, got to run, later Joanie ^^
AlieuSylvrstrymz: ::hugs:: bai bai jeff~
SeraphInfinity: Enjoy your ouce kweam, good luck with your scholarships and what not, take care, and a bunch of other stuff ^^
SeraphInfinity: /me hugs back and runs off
AlieuSylvrstrymz: *^^* sankyuu
...i miss him. i really do. but for the life of me, i still can't figure out why. sometimes it's easier if i just don't think.
.alieu
6.18.2004 12:48:00 AM
So I spent an hour in the Kaiser ER today. My dad had another one of those seizure thingummies. I was horribly pathetic, yet again. He banged on my door, I came out, called 911, was yelled at by him for calling and not being able to help him, even though he wasn't exactly coherent, and then proceded to cry. The paramedics came and he didn't want to leave, but they strapped him to a gurney thing and took him to kaiser anyways. Apparently it's a pretty common thing for diabetics, since the lady on the phone guessed it as I was describing what was happening. The police man that showed up first scared my dad, I think. I think he just doesn't want to cause trouble. The paramedics came in and asked me to show them where his pills and stuff were, and I did, and I was crying the whole time. Dad was in the bathroom, washing his face over and over again, and he kept saying he was fine now, so go away, to the oficer and the paramedics. I guess it was just his sugar levels in his bloodstream. They dropped below 100, so he blacked out/went into shock/whatever. He reminded me, once again, that I'm bsolutely hopeless in a situation like that, because I can't do a single damn thing to help him. After they left with him the the ambulance thing, one of the firemen stayed behind with the officer and asked me where his injection stuff was, and he never tells me this stuff, so I guessed, and then he asked me if he had stuff in the fridge, so I went and looked, and apparently dad is on some really strong shit. There were two different kinds of vials, and different strengths of each kind to be taken at different times during the day, along with the two or three types of pills he takes. They took his Kaiser card and then the fireman stayed with me and talked to mom on the phone. Then he left, too, and mom said she was going to call Julia to go to the house. For the life of me I couldn't stop crying, and when I tried to, all I did was gasp pathetically, and then have to start sobbing again. It was so pathetic.
The fireman called from the hospital to tell me dad was okay, and then dad called to tell me to turn off the sprinklers. Julia came home, and then mom came home, and we went to the hospital. By then he was back to normal, and I had colected myself, for the most part. We came back, Julia and I, to get a change of clothes for him, as well as some lunch. Jeremy came home then too, and we all three went back in Jeremy's car. Jeremy and mom went to eat lunch, and then they released dad, and we all went home. Dad was still mad at me for calling 911.
Everyone says I did the right thing. That I did fine. No one knows that for ten minutes I stayed in my room, on my bed, pretending to sleep and ignoring the wailing sounds that were coming from the hallway. That I only went out of my room when he banged on my door and yelled my name. That I'm not brave enough, or don't care about my father enough, to do things without prompting. That I still don't think blood is thicker than water. That I still don't truly believe that I love my father. No one else knows.
...it's probably better that way.
.alieu
7.01.2004 11:11:59 PM
It hurts. Someone make it stop hurting. I want to just go to sleep and not worry about anything, not even bad dreams, and maybe even have a nice dream for once. Maybe then nice things will happen when I wake up. Maybe I'll forget. But I don't want to forget.... it's just that it hurts too much to remember. But I can't help myself. Everytime I even think of him vaguely, think of his name in my mind in some random train of thought, it suddenly becomes bigger and I zoom in on it. I sit there and get caught up remembering, and remembering how good it felt, and how happy I was, and how safe I felt when I was sitting here, in this chair, in this room, listening to his voice talking to me from thousands of miles away. How safe his words made me feel, that literally warm and fluffy feeling that drew me in and wrapped so tightly around me, my chest, my whole body, from the minute he came online or said 'hi' on the phone. Gods, how can you possibly feel so much for someone who you've never even met? How? And why won't it go away? Why can't I stop thinking about him now, more than 6 months after the fact? Does he miss me? Does he still care? Does he think of me, ever? Does he ever debat messaging me to say hello on AIM or IRC? Has he moved on? Is he happy now? Did I just fuck up big time and make the biggest mistake of my life without even realizing the gravity of it last New Year's day? The what-ifs are chasing each other around my mind in an endless litany of unanswerable, impossible questions. Why me? Why, what's so special about him that made my heart skip and my whole self light up whenever he rained attention on me? I feel like some sort of sick freak, some stalker or obsessed ex. Gods. Someone tell me why. Anyone. Make this make sense. Make me feel whole again, gods, Jeff, come back. Why do I depend so much on someone who I've never even seen face to face? Someone I've never been held by, except by my own ghostly imaginings of embraces when his voice flowed over me. I feel so lost. So stupid. So... pathetic. But all I can think of is how good it would feel, how RIGHT it would be, to be next to him for as long as I can imagine. To sit near him, to just lean on him at his side and just... *be*. Sometimes I think maybe I could live with it if he was here and wasn't interested anymore, but just let me be near him. I feel like a pet, some lovesick sub. I can't figure out if it's HIM that I'm so tied up in knots to be with, or if it's the fact that I want someone, anyone, to just take me and hold me and take care of me and take responsibility and tell me what to do. There's an undeniable shine to that idea, of letting go and letting someone else take control and to just do as they wish, to be happy just to have someone there telling me what to do and think and feel, and finding someone kind enough and smart enough and loving enough to trust enough. I don't know if I have what it takes to go a Dom anymore. I used to enjoy taking care of others. Of taking charge and taking responsibility and making people in my charge happy and making them feel good. Of instilling complete obedience. Now I feel like I should be on the other end of that. But I don't know if I have the courage to give up that much control, that much trust, to let someone play with you and what you are, every fiber and desire of your mind and body, and to think only of pleasing them and making them happy. Sometimes I wonder if people would be disgusted by my ways of expressing affection. I don't have the courage right now to give myself up so freely... I don't even have the courage to kiss a stranger on my own impulses, how could I possibly be able to do it on another's command? And at the same time, I know if Jeff asked me to, I would do anything. It frightens me. Just him. Just him. Gods, the absurdity of the whole idea is appaling. Giving up everything, every ounce of willpower and stubborness and just complying, making my desires whatever my lord or lady asks me to make those desires. I've never felt such a strong pull to comply, to give, to allow... just for him. He could tell me to be miserable, that it would make him happy if I was never happy, and I would try. There is a light that appears, that tells me I'm happy even being unhappy, for him. Such a conundrum. And then I wouldn't be unhappy anymore, and it would make him sad. Even if only I knew. Does that make sense? All I want is for him to be happy. If he asked, I would stop talking to him, or trying to, anyways. I would stop time for him. I.. fuck, crying. I would forget. I would forget for him. I don't understand it, this longing to please and this *need* to make someone else happy. Maybe I do.. but gods. Why. Why why why. Just him. Fuck, I bet he would never speak to me again if he read this. If he knew how strongly I still felt. He would think I was some sort of creepy raving stalker. That's why he'll never know. He's happy now. As happy as I have the power to make him. As happy as I can help. If I thought he would be happier, if I thought I could do anything, I would take my next paycheck and fly to him, abandon my family, and just be near him and do whatever I could. I would find a place to stay and any sort of job. It shouldn't *feel* this much. It shouldn't. There's something that will snap soon if the pressure doesn't stop building. What pressure? I'm not sure. But it hurts. I miss him so much. I miss his laughter and joy and jokes and his adorable evasion whenever things get kinky or the dirty jokes go too far. I miss him. I still see it, all of it, but I miss it being directed towards me. I miss his voice saying my name. I miss his petnames. I miss the corny jokes and the warmth I felt when he told me he actually stayed up and did things I asked, little things like pictures of himself, or the chocolate syrup in the shower. Just the idea that I meant enough to him at one point that he risked being caught in all those strange situations by his family, and he did it because I had asked jokingly, or on a passing whim. I miss feeling loved. I feel so empty. And at the same time, there's that pressure there still. So much paradox and irony and... regret. I don't want to regret him. He's the reason I've experienced real happiness at least once. All other memories pale in comparison. I can be happy, amused, whatever. Only with him do I feel safe. Only with him have I ever felt so happy that I literally felt warm and embraced and invincible. Am I mistaking something else for love? Am I considering this feeling love? All I know is that I desire his company like nothing else. He makes me feel complete. To be 16 and lonely and searching for something and to have felt complete. To have felt like there was nothing else you wanted to accomplish in life than simply existing and have another person exist at the same time. I can't compare it to anything else. It seems too much to be possible. Maybe it's just lust. Just need. Just stress building up. I don't know anymore. I just know that I need him.
...I think I need him more than Love.
7.15.2004 11:32:55 PM
How do you express gratitude...?
Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:09:11 -0700
From: Joanie Chew
To: spec-ops@otakon.com
Subject: A thank-you and a request.
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Hello,
I wasn't sure where I should send this... but I hope you can help me if you aren't too busy. I know you have a lot of work to do this close to the convention, but I was wondering if there was a way to convey my thanks to all the staffers and coordinators that have worked so hard to organize Otakon this year. If you don't have time to read this, please continue with more important things, as this email is rather long. ^^;;
I'm not a regular Otakon-goer, since I live in California, and I'm coming primarily to see L'arc's Concert on Saturday. However, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of understanding and helpfulness supplied by everyone I've emailed and who have replied to my inquiries on the forums. Convention staffers in general have my thanks and appreciation because no matter if the convention is big or small, the staffers work the hardest to bring the fans what they ask for and to organize everything into some sort of working order. I'm amazed by how kind the Otakon staff is, even under pressure, and how well they handle the stress I know must be there from being bombarded by the same questions over and over every day. I'm not quite sure how you all stay sane, but I appreciate the time, effort, and energy all of you have put in, and of your own choices. I know a lot of people don't bother to thank the staff members, and there are a group of people who do, and that the sentiment is generally accepted on a whole, but I wanted to thank everyone personally, if it's possible.
Is there a way I could do this? Woudl it be possible for you to forward this, or just relay my sentiments? If it's too much trouble and this sort of thing happens a lot, I'm happy knowing that they understand how thankful I am without my saying so to them personally, but I know if they aren't already sick of going through hundreds of emails, a thank-you is something that can make a person's day so much better.
[ http://orange-no-taiyou.deviantart.com/journal/2893522/ ]
All of you, every person who has helped schedule events or talk to guests, everyone who helped with running the site, forums, or even running simple errands like getting coffee to sustain stressed out staffers, everyone who designed the badges, accquired the shows for the video prgramming, who spoke to the fans and worked with the budget; all the people who accquired equipment, offered to host panels and game shows and other events, everyone who trains gophers and sets up tables, everyone who translates and organizes room and travel for the guests, and all the people who hold up under the barrage of con-goers who come to them with their woes, pleas, questions, and thanks. Everyone who has come this far, this year and the years before, and even the years to come. You are the heart of a convention. You make this work.
Words can't express it properly. I really do admire your resilience and the troubles you go through, and I wish that all of it was fun and enjoyable, because many tell me that it's their pleasure to staff, but there are always the rough times when you wonder how you're going to keep people happy or if you'll make the next deadline, or if you'll be able to put up with any more emails in one day, because there can't possibly be that many people who can't read or who want to be exceptions, or who are having troubles with registration, or even people whose emails are just thank-yous, and you don't have the time to read them with all the rest of the ones you have to go through. And I really should stop witht he run-on sentences.
In any case, thank you for reading this far, if you're still reading. You are all amazing, and I wish that there was some other way I could thank you. On behalf of anyone who has not gotten the chance to say 'thank you', let me say it for them.
Maybe I'm just rambling, but there are times when you stop and look around at the people you interact with, and you realize just how much of an impact some of them have, and how much you appreciate them, but don't get a chance to tell them so. I guess this is one of those times. I've been rambling on the forums with my 'thank-you!'s as well, but I wanted this to reach every staffer, if possible.
You make all the difference in the world, and you really do help make dreams come true. ( I'm not talking just about the L'arc concert, I think conventions top Disney Land for being the 'Happiest Place on Earth'. Being able to meet so many people with similar interests is a little taste of what heaven must be like, if it exists. )
Sorry for this being so long, and thank you for taking the time to read it.
-Joanie Chew
7.24.2004 3:50:34 AM
I asked, previously, "How do you express gratitude...?"
...I answered, and the reply I recieved brings a smile to my chapped lips, and tiny bit of pain at the edges of my mouth. They aren't used to stretching so wide, you see.
Re: A thank-you and a request.
1 message
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info16@otakon.org Fri, Jul 23, 2004 at 7:16AM
To: alieuwk@gmail.com
Hi Joanie!
I just wanted to let you know that I passed your note onto the rest of the staff.
We are all very appreciative that you took the time to write a thank you note to
us. It makes a very stressful time just a little bit easier.
Thank you!
Rachael Carothers
Otakon Information
Otakon 2004
July 30 - August 1
Baltimore Convention Center, Baltimore, MD
http://www.otakon.com
>-----Original Message Follows-----
Sometimes I stop and realise just how lucky I am; to be alive, to have my friends and family, to have my health and a job, to have my education and home and people who look after me, to have my ambition and expensive hobbies and addictions, and to have the knowledge every now and then that there are people out there who are intelligent and kind and hardworking enough to give me the tiniest bit of hope that some part of mankind is worth saving.
And then I wake up the next morning and face the other 99% of the population who are dumber than dirt and as crude as warmongering soldiers who just spent two years without seeing the opposite sex or civilized manners. Maybe someday I'll ditch this superiority complex I seem to be afflicted with.
9.29.2004 6:44:13 PM
Have you ever wanted to comfort someone, just reach out and touch their shoulder, their face, their soul, just to reassure them, to make them happy? To make them smile? Regardless of if you even know the person; a friend, a classmate, a coworker, or a stranger. Have you ever seen someone so sad that something inside you, inside your mind or your heart, just wanted to walk over to them and right all the wrongs that are causing them pain? Jade wrote a AFI RPS story a while back with the line, ""Tell me... is this what you want? Do I... make you happy?" That's all Jade had ever wanted to do; make Davey happy." I froze the first time I read that, and something tightened in my chest that hurt so much I thought I would cry.
I watched Karl walk into class the other day, Monday I think. He had on that ridiculous black wig that sat on his head like a frazzled mop. But he wasn't smiling. He walked in, threw his backpack down, and sat down. No grin, no joke, no witty question or observation. Just lips set in a hard line. The stupid wig covered half of his face, so I couldn't see his eyes. I was reminded of the way anime characters, when angry or depressed, have their eyes in shadow.
Karl, in the short few years that I've known him, seems to me like a relatively easy-going guy. If things are pissing him off, he'll probably come to a boil for a while, but never does he boil over. I've never seen him go off, but I suppose he does do it every once in a while. Probably when he's alone, though. In any case, I'm not anywhere near being close enough to him to be privy to such happenings. He's a very down-to-earth person, and extremely intelligent and sharp.
The first time I really got to know him in Junior English with Mr. Fodchuk, I found myself seeking his attention and comments as often as I could. The boy is remarkably perceptive, and he has this philosophy on life and this eagerness to expand his views and knowledge that draws me to him like a moth to a flame. He's nowhere near attainable even as a good friend for me, of course. We run in different crowds. His enthusiasm for learning, writing, reading, composing, and hell, just THINKING (it's so rare nowadays to find someone who actually delights in thinking) is addictive and so much like my own that I can't help but be mesmerized. He's so intriguing.
Anyhow, I watched him after he entered the classroom, and I imagined I could see him actually ticking. He made such a sad sight, sitting against the wall with that damn wig over his eyes and that frown making his bottom lip puff out, that I just wanted to get up, walk over to him, take off the wig, and just stroke his face. To be able to reach out and look into his eyes and give him a little half-smile, and wait to see if he would let me help him with whatever was troubling him. I toyed with the idea for a while, imagining his reaction were I to actually try it, seeing in my minds eye the confusion and then rejection and amusement he would act out, and the disgust or amusement of the rest of the class. I wanted to do it anyways. There was that tugging feeling somewhere between my collarbone and my abdomen that urged me to just follow my impulses, that was drawing my eyes back to his face and stirring up feelings that I thought had disappeared from the first time I talked philosophy with Karl. The first time he walked into the classroom with his button-up wide open and nothing underneath to prove a point about the dress code and gender. The first time we critiqued each others' writing. The first time I read one of his short stories, and realized, my god, this is the kind of person I've been looking for in all of my years in school; THIS is the kind of person I want to spend my life arguing and chatting and exchanging ideas and theories with. This is the kind of person... that I might just have already fallen for, without realizing it. Every conversation we've had flashed through my mind while I was sitting there, contemplating, and I was so tempted. So very, very tempted to do it. Of course, I'm a stupid fool with less backbone than I require in my friends, so I didn't. But oh, how much I wanted to. I wanted to walk over to him, sit down next to him, and tell him how much whoever it was that made him so unhappy didn't deserve his attention. How every girl that he's admitted to liking/asking out/dating in the classes I've had with him didn't deserve HIM. How much higher he should be aiming, how much more he has that they will never be able to appreciate-Ah, but I digress. I wanted to tell him he deserved someone who could banter with him like I could. Someone who could hold a candle to his philosophical musings, to his wild ideas about space, time, creation, religion, and all those questions that will never be solved. Someone like me. Only more attractive, and with more backbone, and with better social standing. Someone who could appreciate the intricacy and emotion in his poetry, the feelings beneath the feelings in his songs, the irony and satirical allusions in his jokes, the simple wonder and philosophy of his writings, not these dimwitted flounces that populate our area. Not the beauties he seemed to be so taken with, so in love with, so heartbroken over. I wanted to hold him and kiss him until he didn't have anything left with which to write his little emo songs. I wanted to be able to be there for him, without causing him to be ridiculed.
He gave Ms. Schlaman his latest short story, and I held my tongue and didn't ask to read it. I watched him and didn't say anything as he passed the whole period in terseness, and wondered that his friends that he sat with seemed not to notice. I walked out of the classroom and watched his longer strides carry him and his guitar farther away from me as I walked through Senior Square.
On Tuesday, he looked much happier, and those endearing dimples were back as he smiled and joked. I asked him if I could read his story. He said sure, to get it from Ms. Schlaman, and I did. It was titled, "Time and Mavie". I didn't get past the first of the six pages when Ms. Schlaman started class, so I didn't actually finish it until the last five minutes of class.
There are no words for how much his story affected me.
To be honest, looking back on it there was no reason for me to have been so impacted by it, since it is not all that shocking or overly dramatic, but it did, for whatever inexplicable reason. It starts of with a guy, and forgive me if I overstep my bounds, but I think of this guy as representing him. He gets up in the morning and walks outside, and as he's walking he sees an ambulance and the remains of a car collision with a semi. He stops to pray for the victims, and a passing girl asks him why he prays. They talk for a brief while, and she invites him to join her at Starbucks. He agrees, though he thinks her a bit rude, because he finds her attractive and his interest is sparked by her talking of being a Pantheist. They talk over coffee, and when she has to leave, they exchange phone numbers. They meet many times after that and he finds himself quickly falling in love and becoming more interested in Pantheism and Mavie's philosophies on life, the universe, and everything. There's a lovely little scene of them lying out on the grass in a park and talking of pantheism and how the universe is an organism and them kissing, when he poses the question, if the universe is an organism, what is time? The story follows their relationship as they move in together and he works to find the answer of their time question. At first, everything is fine and they're so in love that it's almost ideal. But as he nears finding the answer, he works later and later and finally she tells him that whatever he does, to just not forget her. He reaches the final stages in working with dreams and time and perception, but she finally gets fed up with his inattention that she leaves, telling him that she told him never to forget about her, but he did. He is crushed. He works to find the answer even harder now, motivation of sorts, so he can harness time travel and fix what he did wrong. He figures out how to, one day, at last. He steadies himself, goes to sleep, and manipulates his dreams and God (Pantheistic view) to send him back to the morning where he first met Mavie. He wakes up two hours before he did originally, and notes that he has time to go grab some cigarettes from the store. He gets in his car, drives down the street, pulls into an intersection, and is hit by an 18-wheeler.
Wham.
That boy has talent.
He grins and accepts my compliments and is adorable and talks with me a bit about Pantheism and is in general, a happy Karl. His smile is contagious.
Thursday comes along and is relatively uneventful, with me staring at Karl a lot more during class and my eyes following his brisk steps as he leaves the classroom again. He has a hurried pace most of the time, even when he's not in a rush.
Friday, and OH MY GOD. Excuse me for a few minutes while I drown in a puddle of my own drool. Okay, lets go back to Junior year where I first met Karl's personality in all its fascinating glory. He walks into class one day with a button up shirt unbuttoned and nothing underneath it. Now, Karl *is* a skinny little pale white boy, but damn, I can't help it, I love seeing skinny pale torsos. Coupled with my growing intrest in Karl's philosophical musings, I was, to but it lightly, very very very content to sit near him all period. So Friday after school I'm in the Aquatic Center parking lot and my dad pulls up as usual to pick me up and drive me home. I get in the car, put on my seatbelt, and look up to get a gorgeous view of topless Karl walking past the car. That sound? Oh, don't worry, it's just me melting into a puddle of goo with desire. He's skinny, yes, but he's got a lovely set of abdominal muscles, and he really is nice on the eyes. I like the paleness. I mean, he's not strikingly handsome, per say, but the freckles and the cute little dimple when he grins, and the way his face can light up like a little kid, and when he's reading something and his lashes flutter over his eyes.... I could honestly say that I would be happy waking up to that face every morning for the rest of my life. I sound like a creepy weirdo, but gods, he's so interesting. And cute. Especially when he does accents or impersonations or sings. <3
Today is Wednesday, tomorrow and Friday are Midterm days. I walked into class this afternoon, sat down, and had the wonderful opportunity to hear Karl speak, not just speak, but speak to me, ask me what kind of music I listen to, with thise goofy but incredibly sexy british accent. It's good I was already sitting down, otherwise my legs would have turned to jelly. He hits all of my weak spots somehow without even knowing them or meaning to. And I can't tell if I'm really obsessed with him, if I have a crush on him, or if I just want to talk with people who like the same things I do. I envy horribly the girls he mourns over, because they are not worth his intellect and wit, and are certainly not worth his trampled feelings.
I get this odd urge whenever I see him sad, to just protect him. He makes me feel... less girly. Less submissive. When I was with Jeff, all I wanted to do was to make him happy, and I felt to warm and safe when I talked with him, so sheltered and pliant. Like a puppy or a newborn kitten. Karl makes me feel... more like a tiger. My aggressiveness and dominating aspects of my personality appear, and I lose that desire to be helpless and at someone's mercy, and instead focus more on control games and protectiveness. He'd probably be freaked out if he ever read this, and he'd probably never look in my general direction ever again. I always wonder how devastating my emotions would be for someone who knew nothing of them to begin with, how horrifying and violated they must feel knowing the things I thought about them, since I terrify myself sometimes with the intensity of the obsessive qualities I get when I am intrigued by someone.
In other news, I kind of want to ask Kaitlen out, but I'm afraid that I'll dissappoint her horribly or embarrass myself or make her feel all weird around me if I do. That and I have no money.
Now that all this stuff with Karl is growing again, though, I'm torn, and then I stop and think, what does it matter? I'll never have the guts or the finesse to ever confront either of them honestly, and they probably won't return my feelings, so maybe I should just suck it up and save what little pride I have left. Pride. Such a damnable stupid thing, and yet valued so much. I am too prideful, one day it will be my downfall.
Alas, I will conclude here for now, this is more than long enough and has taken far too long as it is already.
10.25.2004 3:06:01 PM
Karl is so fucking sexy.
10.25.2004 7:00:03 PM
Ahhh...... I'm so confused now. Here, let me explain that last post I made, I was still euphoric from 4th period's conversation/debate topic, and hearing Karl talk and actually conversing directly with him before class started. Not to mention that last week he tried that whole shirtless thing again to see if he would get in trouble, which again, he didn't. Oh my god, he looks so fucking hot shirtless. Wow, so much for me not being in lust with his physical attributes....
Anyways, on friday we won the homecoming float thingy (of course!) with our kickass senior float on Mario, even with the dumbass freshmen stealing parts of our dance. I was estatic when we were walking out before we performed, while we were doing the circuit around the football field, and I was SO FUCKING PUMPED UP WITH ADRENALINE. I was grinning like a fucking Cheshire cat, and I kept giggling and talking loudly and bouncing on my heels. I dunno, whenever we get to perform and show off our art and hard work and skills, I always get really excited. Anyways, we walk out to our position when it's our turn, and I hear Karl yelling my name so I whip around to scan the crowd, and sure enough, there he is up against the fence cheering. I *must* have turned red. I had to have. He yelled something to me, but it was too loud and I didn't hear it, but it was time to start the dance so I grinned, nodded, and gave him a thumbs up before turning to watch the dancers. I held a sign; come on now, me? Dance? I think not. Anyways, our dancers were fabulous and everything went well with Mario and Luigi and Bowser and Peach, and it was just amazing. I loved it. I wish so much that we could do it again, building it and coming up with the ideas and putting everything together and finally presenting it was the most fun I've had in ages. I really did love it. Plus, the Yoshi I drew on the back was way way cute, I'll post a picture on my public blog of it when I upload it off my digicam. Anyways, being cheered on by Karl, cheering for Cameron for Homecoming King ( even though he didn't make it.... ._.;; I wish he wold have won, he looked so cute up there, especially when he acidentally walked to stand on the girls' side of the risers on accident X3 ) and seeing all of the hard work we did that whole week pay of when we won.... it was just perfect. Honestly, I've never felt happier at a school event. I'm not sure why exactly it meant so much, or felt like it meant so much, but everything just clicked that night, and I was in heaven. Err, getting sidetracked again.
Karl. I don't know, the boy twists my insides into a pretty pink bow because I can't figure out if I really am falling for him, if I've already fallen for him, or if I'm just mixing up a slight physical attraction (there's lots of those, I'm a horny teenage girl, remember?) and a desire to converse with people of the same interests and intelligence for true, honest to goodness, fuckable, dateable, loveable lust. His quirks and humour are addictive, and his stories and philosophies make me feel like I imagine wine would. I want to talk to him, I really do. I want to learn more about this enigma that taunts me so with his every word, motion, action, and expression. I want to have a chance.
But then I look at my desktop, and everything I feel about Karl hits me right at the base of my stomach, hard. Oh, did I mention that for some stupid reason, I happened to have changed my desktop to a picture of Jeff? It's a very adorable picture, mind you, but I really need to get over him. Well, that's what I keep telling myself.
Why is it so hard to just forget about him? Well, I don't want to really forget about him... but I was feeling really emotional the other day so I reread a couple of his emails to me during 3rd period when I had nothing to do. If I had been at home by myself, I probably would have cried. His emails... they sound so mature. I don't know how I could have missed it then, or not seen the gigantic difference in his eloquence and my awkward mumbling and sporadic outbursts. It hit me while reading just how very childish and naive and silly and stupid I must have sounded when he returned, or when I thought he returned, my feelings. I feel so stupid and whiny and immature, even now looking back on that period of time. He was so... mature. I can't find another word that fits so very very well. I feel like I didn't deserve someone like him and that's why he... actually, the rejection I think made me even more insecure nd now I still feel like I don't deserve him, though I know I've done a whole lot of growing since January. God, I can't believe its already been so long. That it's almost been a year since that day. ...with a date like that, though, I don't think I'll ever forget Jeff. I mean, come on, being dropped on New Years and feeling like the fucking ball in times square... it's a little traumatizing. Well, maybe not traumatizing, but it certainly doesn't bode well for thinking of New Years Day since it's one of the first things I associate with it now. I have a feeling New Years is going to be tough this year. Depending on how stressed or emotionally unstable I am on New Years... I have an ominous feeling that I'll probably break down mentally, emotionally, or otherwise, and it feels odd when I realize that crying has become more routine for me in the past year or so than it was for me in the previous 16 years of my life, except maybe before I was a toddler.
What should I do?
That's the stupid unanswerable question that has been running through my mind. What should I do to forget Jeff? Should I forget Jeff? What should I do about Karl? Should I try to get closer to him? What should I do about Kaitlen? Would she reject me if I asked her out? Would I be able to live up to her expectations if I did go out with her? Would I disappoint her? Do I even have the right to think about pursuing a relationship when I can't even figure out who my feelings are pulling me towards, and when I don't even have time for my friends lately? How am I ever going to keep up with the essays in AP Lit? Should I take AP Language next term? Am I driving Ms. Schlaman crazy? Am I straight, gay, bi, or something else? Do I still believe in my own self proclaimed philosophies and morals that I once so loudly stood up for? Should I try to understand myself, or will it cause me more problems than I can mentally handle at the moment? Where should I go to college? How am I going to pay for college? How will I ever finish all of those scholarship applications? Will they even consider me for any of the scholarships I apply to? Should I come out to my parents even though I'm not certain myself what my sexual orientation is? Should I apply for that gay/lesbian writing contest? If I win, would my parents flip out? Would it change things between me and Jeremy? Would I change things between me and my sister, or me and Paul? What do I want? Why do I procrastinate so much? Why is it that everytime I try to lose myself in anime or manga or fanfiction or anything, everyone around me always gets angry or yanks me back just as I'm settling into peacefulness? Is it wrong to run away and try to lose myself? Are they right in dragging me away from my childish attempts at escape? Am I being stupid and stubborn about my father? Why does it feel like something angry and huge and bitter and hurtful and overflowing everytime I'm around my father, even before he opens his mouth? Should I try to be amiable towards my parents, since I know how much it must hurt them to not be able to understand their child, even though it makes me want to grind my teeth into dust? Should I go to Senior Prom? Should I go on the Senior Trip? Will I get all my art done in time for the portfolio review? Should I take a year off college? Should I try to patch things up with Jeff, or should I just leave well enough alone? Is the fact that I'm always the one to initiate contact with him a big fat neon sign telling me that he really has no interest in me now, and probably never really did ever? Is my life supposed to feel like it's one big fucking sadistic ironic joke?
What the fuck should I do?
And then there's Tiffany. What the fuck should I do about her? She's waltzing back, and everyone just welcomes her with loving arms and forgives. Forgives and forgives and forgives. Or maybe it's just that to them, she does nothing that needs to be forgiven. Why is it that when I was her closest support, all I ever got out of it was being used like a towel or a rag, and being made to forgive everything and kiss it and make it all better? I'm not that much of a fucking pushover, there's only so much I can take.
Heh, I'll probably eat those words in a month.
It's so frustrating. I want to wring her neck. I want to... I don't know what I want anymore. But I know that I don't want her back. I... Maybe it's resentment. From being wronged, in my mind, or from being overlooked and cast off and disregarded. I never have been one to not want recognition for my accomplishments/endeavours, no matter how much outward modesty or humbleness I wore as a mask. And no matter how much I always said that I enjoy most being unnoticed in the background, in reality it seems I much more prefer being in the limelight. Honestly, I think the closest thing to the truth may be that I simply do not want to reopen old wounds. Tiffany was one of those people that you never go after because you don't want to lose them a a friend. She was also out of reach, or so I told myself. So I was the best friend. I was there when her relationships went sour, and when her mother fucked up, and when her brother fucked up, and when she fucked up. I was the support, when she allowed support, and all the advice I gave her, all the guiding I tried to do and the pointers to get her out of the situations she created for herself were discarded so quickly and carelessly... and then she let herself be used to carelessly by the people she allowed to be with her. I wanted to scream in frustration then. Instead, I just bitched to my sister, like I do with all the other little or big things that trouble me more than anyone seems to think they do. I felt jilted, and wondered why I was still... unworthy? It was childish, yes, but that was how it was. I felt very impulsive around her, I admit.
Now she's coming back. Back to Roseville with that bum-ass boyfriend of hers who doesn't work and supposedly beats her. And she's "trying to detox". Don't make me laugh. Why is it that everytime I tried to get her to lay off the alcohol, every promise she made to me and BROKE the next night she felt lonely or sad, why were they ineffectual? Why is it that she has the nerve to be so cheery and optimistic when I gave up so long ago? Goddamnit I know it's stupid and childish and selfish and bitter, but fuck off, because that's how I fucking feel. Yay for Kiyomi, because she's gonna stay sober! Yay for Kiyomi because she can make up for all of her past mistakes and not have to pay for them. Don't give me that shit about her having suffered enough to repent, because I sure as fucking hell know how much she suffered, because half the time I was the one she used to cry on. She did nothing then. She wallowed in self pity and self absorbtion, and said yes, she knew she was acting like her mother, that she was doing stupid things almost getting raped and getting drunk all the time, and that she knew all of the wrongs that I pointed out and DIDN'T FEEL LIKE CHANGING. She could have fucking made things better for herself. Who only knows I tried to help her. But now, suddenly, it's okay. God that pisses me off. And still, the self absorbtion. Maybe that part bothers me because it's so close to my own desire to be a pillar of attention, but fuck, the whole, "LOVE ME, I WANT MY OWN KORNER, I WANT ATTENTION, MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF ME SO I CAN IGNORE YOU AND LET MY LOSER BOYFRIEND FUCK ME INSTEAD LIKE AT FANIME" keeps sawing away at a really taut bowstring inside my mind, and once that string snaps, I'm just going to fucking let her have it. And then she'll act all crushed and depressed and "take it all on herself" and whore out her depression and 'suicidal' tendencies for more attention.
...yes, I really am this bitter. Yes, I'm no diferent than anyone else. Yes, my feelings do explode and swing and change that often. No, you were wrong when you thought I was 'better', whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. If you could read all of this, you would alienate me. You wouldn't even feel pity. Don't give me that bullshit, you know just as well as I do that pity is rare and mostly a coverup to make you feel better about yourself anyways. Because pity is more acceptable than hate, since hate makes you feel guilty.
Fuck this, I can't write any more right now.
I'm going to go lose myself in some gay porn, QAF season 1 UK version, style. Yeah, that's right, hypocritical me and my temporary relief from sanity and deep, rational, BREAKDOWN INDUCING thought. Fuck off, I'm entitled to my ignorance at least for a few hours a week, you disgusting bastards.
Real people make me sick.
10.27.2004 8:06:53 PM
It's amusing how much my mood changes within the span of one post. So much adoration and lust, albeit confused adoration and lust, all turned to dust in the span of an hour. Disintegrated into Loathing. I think I understand what I was thinking again when I wrote the line about Irony being ever the stalwart lover. All this... maybe this is why I feel the need to own a sub. Then all my frustration can be channeled into responsibility, lust, and mind games. Perhaps that's why D/s "games" must be seperated from "reality", as far as one can really stretch the true meaning of those words.
11.14.2004 2:11:15 AM
There is so much I want to write about these past few days and the strange dream I had last night and a bunch of other stuff about college and choices and my anxiety about myself and my future, but I'm really tired right now, so maybe tomorrow when I get up. For now, I'll just write that I'm proud of myself as I've been working a little bit on my Satoshi/Daisuke smut, and also the Sorren piece based on one of the dreams I had that really freaked me out. And, andandand- I worked on my HOMEWORK! XD That's right, I was in the car on the way back from SoCal and I actually whipped out the laptop and started working on part three of my AP Lit. research paper on Victorian literature and Oscar Wilde; literary trends. I'll write up lots more on the dream I had later, but it was pretty intense. Then again, all of the dreams I can remember are pretty intense and rather frightening on a personal level. But dreams are, as a fact, pretty damn personal in general. All I'll say now is that I could feel the strain and tenseness and erotic pull of the hickeys on my neck and shoulder so vividly in my dream, it felt like every lick, bite, and suck she laved on my skin sent a shock and tingle through my body right down to... well, yeah. It was really fucking hot. But when I woke up, my shoulder wasn't even sore or tingly like I'd slept on it weird, so I'm not sure why I dreamt that, since usually intense sensations in dreams are caused by actual physical pressure that is part of the reason you actually wake up (like if you dream that someone is driving a pointy stick into your back, you wake up and realize that you were sleeping on a rock or your cell phone or something and the pain woke you up - remember that dreams are really just in the fraction of a second between sleeping and waking). But god, it was so fucking hot. Sends shivers up and down my spine just thinking about the memory of that sensation. If she really is that talented, I might get over the uncomfortable fact of who I dreamt it was, and perhaps get a lot closer to them. Like, close enough for them to repeat that rolling-around-on-the-hallway-floor-and-necking thing.
...fuck, it was so goddamn hot.
12.05.2004 1:54:16 PM
Okay, this is way way way delayed, and written over the span of like... almost two weeks. I think.
Here goes.
I've taken to re-evaluating myself a lot recently. Re-evaluating my priorities, my skills, my bad habits, my actions, my personality, my friends, my choices, my feelings, my goals... everything, really. What can I say, I'm conceited, I've had a lot of time to think while I've been attempting to avoid and procrastinate on my college apps and scholarship apps, and all I've done is think about myself.
I've thought a lot about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and whether or not I'm actually ready to head into this whole college thing. I've thought about how naive I tend to be about some things, no matter how much I would rather deny that fact, and I've looked at my procrastination habits and failure to follow through on large projects, and I've wondered, even though I've always said that I've been ready and can't wait for it, if I'm really as prepared as I've made people (and myself) think I have been in the past god-knows-how-many years of my adolescence.
I've always been the one who would 'succeed,' the one who people assumed would do extremely well in college, work, and life in general. Strong, independent, intelligent, eloquent, overachieving, responsible... But really, it feels like I'm not even as courageous as half of the 'normal' people out there.
It's odd how things work out, how much the boasting of your dreams as a child grows larger and deeper as you grow older until it becomes a full mask covering you from hairline to collarbone in this silly facade you've kept up for 12+ years.
How familiar it seems, and natural it is to just let your mask talk for you, let the words you know are nigh impossible for you to do in your heart, because you're scared, roll out through your lips. Watch them change and warp slightly more, divert from your true feelings slightly more, as they dance through the hole in the mask above your lips, mocking and taunting and snickering at the source that spit them out. It's rather depressing to realize that things you yourself control are mocking you. Then you look at yourself and ask, "Do I really think myself that sad and pathetic? When did I become so... cynical--so skeptical and full of self-loathing? When did I start to hate myself...?"
That would be the question, now wouldn't it?
I don't have an answer. Like in so many other important things and events and decisions in my life and in my future, whatever that may be, I again lack the answers to my own questions. I lack my justification, my reasoning, because really, I didn't honestly care then, and I probably don't really care now. It's gotten to the point where I'm comfortable in that familiarity, and I'm loath to leave this security blanket I've created for myself of being the independent and ambitious one. I think maybe it is this that I hate so much. That I have become so much like the very thing I sneer upon in society.
That I have become such a hypocrite.
That I have become like my parents...?
...I would rather not go down that road. I don't think I'm quite prepared mentally for that yet.
In re-evaluating my feelings, I've found that I'm also displeased with my lack of control, and the levels of obsession that I allow myself to work up to in such a short period of time. I'm also a hypocrite here, in my reaction to those who were or are infatuated with myself in much the same fashion as I tend to get concerning those I lust after, or desire to be with. It doesn't really matter how you word it; eloquence or not, it is all lust of one kind or another, if only physical or intellectual.
I'm always afraid, most of all I think, not that they would reject me, but that I would ruin any good chance I had with them because they were freaked out or disturbed by the intensity of my... affections. I get so wound up, so incredibly focused on only them, and sometimes it seems that I do so far too easily for the amount of attention I secretly pay them. I seem so fickle, even to myself.
Again, that hypocrisy.
I think, perhaps, that I am the biggest hypocrite I know, if only because of the fact that I know all of my own thoughts and inner desires.
I find myself still unable to fully let go of the past, and while so many lovely things catch my eye and interest and attention here in the present, I feel like I should feel these new attractions as something wrong. Betrayal. But at the same time, can you really betray a person who isn't interested in you? Deep down, I still like to fool myself into dreaming that he still cares or thinks of me. That is probably the reason behind my monthly prods, which I have steeled myself to foregoing as of recently. I don't want to hold him back.
I think I have been watching too much angst and depressing stories of unrequited or doomed love, that it is toying with my ample imagination.
My latest attractions are so very intriguing in spirit, beauty, intellect, and wit. They are, however, somewhat many in number. I fear that the reason I fail to limit myself to one receptacle of my affection is that I look for too much. I have always told myself I would never lower my standards, and that I would not settle for anything less than the fulfillment of all my desires, mentally and physically. Perfection? Completion, rather.
Oh, how I wish there was a way to combine people. But that would be terribly unfair to them as individuals.
There is Kaitlen, whose spontaneous nature and adorable looks I fall prey to each time I look at. She really is quite breathtaking, and her personality is so childlike and mischievous, while at the same time devoted and very hardworking when serious, that one cannot help but be drawn to her. I think everyone in our group has lost a little portion of themselves to her already, regardless of their orientation or relationship status.
There is Tiffany, whose beauty is obvious to all, and whose style is impeccably sexy. She, however, lacks a drive and responsibility, lacks a discipline and desire to do what would benefit herself the most, that is severely displeasing. I want to smack her for her stupidity, sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. She does, however, possess a keen mind and wonderful questioning intellect, had she only the will to use it. I had given up on her before her return, and had been content to tell myself that she wasn't worth the inevitable heartache, as I had learned in the past, but it is so much harder now that she has moved back.
There is Karl. Karl, Karl, Karl... So full of potential, but so very far away. If there was a reason I most despised my lack of beauty in physical appearance, he would be it. There is so much I can see in him, so much philosophy and talent and sheer untapped drive and desire to learn and broaden his horizons... It makes me feel so frustrated and sad to see it trickle so slowly because of his surroundings. Perhaps I am too harsh on his social clique, as I am sure they are not as stupid and lacking as I imagine them to be, but I have a very selfish and very strong desire to simply take him and allow him to bloom fully in the fastest way possible. There is a lot of arrogance here on my part, in my assumption that I could ever make a good teacher, that I am the best and only teacher who could guide him to his full potential, but I do have a selfish desire for that person to be me because then my dreams of being an acceptable love interest to him would be possible, or justified. Rational. His sadness makes my heart ache, and his intelligence and fascination in philosophy and myths/religions that parallels my own makes my heart skip a beat with joy. Longing. Pure, unsullied, Desire.
And Mrs. Schlaman? What of her? What of her, indeed. She is wit, intelligence, beauty, and femininity, and I am completely captivated. Unattainable, of course, but it is no matter. Were she not a teacher and I had met her anyways, I doubt she would have been interested, unless she happened to be ten years younger and I ten years older. It is the dynamic, I suppose, much like Oscar Wilde had with young Lord Alfred "Bosie" Douglas. Except for the fact that the dynamic between Mrs. Schlaman and I is purely one sided on my part, and Wilde and Bosie were very much infatuated with one another. Wilde refers to the Greeks as models in this sense, to show the bond between a devoted student and a more knowledgeable mentor. It is true that the Greeks were renowned for their acceptance, and even promotion, of this type of relationship, and the ancients' tolerance should make the modern fears and insecurities ashamed, but the reality of an egotistical culture is never rational. It is only the cultures that appreciate more than just themselves that are ever truly successful. Art is like that, and a culture driven by the arts and the exploration of knowledge without the taint of economical worries or warring natures is the closest step to true peace that mankind can ever hope to make. It is not capable for humans to go any farther, because it would be against human nature. We, as a race, were never meant for peace, it seems. But I am off-topic. I have resigned myself here, also, to not being able to fully appreciate Heather Schlaman's irresistible wit and charms, but to make up for it I fear I may not talk myself out of writing her a very long, open, deep, wistful thank-you letter in which I prove myself five kinds of fool by the time graduation comes around. I fear disgust, of course, most of all.
But I will try, as that is all one can truly do to avoid regret.
I think I shall retire now, and continue again in the evening. It is already 4:30 in the morning, and I must be out of the house by 9:00, so I should try to get a few hours of sleep while I can.
6:37 here, and I am again sitting in the wooden study station right outside of my mother's office. It was placed here to cover up the gaping holes in the wall left from when they removed the payphone, and looks very out of place.
Mediaeval Baebes has become my new writing music. I find it easier to write what I feel like writing on this laptop, and when I tire of hearing angst and sex and bubblegum pop, this mixture of English and Latin folk/traditional music is quite calming and sweet on the ears. I'm particularly fond of Gaudete and Undrentide.
On the subject of music, I realized after watching QAF (original UK version) the reason why I so dearly love Placebo and Brian Molko. I think I have the mentality of a gay man. Yes, I know, it sounds stupid and absurd and something I would say daily, but in looking closely, I can draw a lot of parallels. Also, I learned that the UK QAF cast and scripts are so much better than the US ones that I will never be able to put them on the same level again. Anyways, the fact is that I react, think, love, and want to live the way that the characters depicted in QAF do. I want to go to Babylon on Friday nights, or get drinks with friends after work and spend the nights trying to cop off with someone else cruising Canal Street, and go home to a long fuck in a wood-paneled condominium with my fridge full of ritzy bottled mineral water. I want to have the courage and pure gall to corner a straight bombshell in a locker room, talk them totally horny, and then tug and finger and tease them to an explosive orgasm that makes them blush in the halls whenever I smirk and play with my fingers. Hell, I could even be like the dykes. I want to write my lover hot, dirty, detailed, sexual love letters that make the gay boys blush.
Hephaestian. Hephaistion? However it is spelled. There is someone I admire.
It has been two days since I last wrote here, and still I do not think it ready to be called a complete entry. I keep jumping from one topic to another, and always without closure. I am so horrible with closure. I think perhaps I avoid it so that I know I can always return. For someone who speaks so much of letting the past remain the past, I seem to waste energy on things that are out of my power to change anyways.
Alexander was a movie I shall definitely have to buy on DVD.
Do not go into the theatre looking for history. Do not go into the theatre looking for a biography or an accurate retelling. Do not go into the theatre looking for blood and gore and glorious battle scenes (though there are many disturbingly graphic battles). Go into the theatre looking for one view on Alexander as a man, as a warrior, lover, king, and visionary, and go in looking for a possible insight into the mindset, culture, ideals, and philosophies of the prosperous times when Alexander the Great attempted to unite two continents.
I'm rather miffed that there was such a big deal when he fucked the woman, but there's not even a kissing scene with Hephaistion. The only man Alexander kissed was that servant boy after he did that really sexy dance. But Hephaistion! Such love and devotion and trust, even when Alexander decided to marry... and that scene with the ring... ah gods, the romantic in me craves such things desperately. I felt like crying when he was explaining the ring. And even more so when the bastard TOOK IT OFF to make love to her. That poisonous BITCH.
Ahem. Yes... I don't particularly like Alexander's wives. Nor him for taking them, but I can understand the need for an heir. Why couldn't he have just stayed that young man who so passionately was sure that Hephaistion, who "loves me as I am", would be the only person he needed in his personal life?
Oh, and his mother. My-oh-my. Well, I loved all the mythology wound about her and the birth of Alexander, and Angelina Jolie CERTAINLY is astoundingly, breathtakingly, gorgeously sexy in the role... but damn, she was so pushy! A smart woman, indeed, she would have led Alexander to higher greatness had he allowed her to be by his side. I liked her character, but for her insistence of him to bear an heir. Without her pushing and prodding and constant nagging, I think Alexander would not have let himself be so open as to whom he let into his bed. Into his heart, rather.
..okay, so I admit I didn't mind Bagoas so much. X3
But Hephaistion! Ahh, so much angst! And such a sweet, sweet, heart-rending story. True Yaoi and Shounen Ai stories never compensate struggling lovers for depth of feeling, and are always tragic and heartbreaking in conclusion (usually death). I shall find a ring like the one Hephaistion gave Alexander. I shall find it! And I shall wear it twined with my own around my neck, as a reminder and symbol of forbidden, outcast, destiny-defying, passionate, cherished, dedicated, fighting, and pure true love.
The love that cannot speak its name.
But I can't accept one from anyone else besides him, it seems. Still, after all this time and all the fucking distance, I cannot shake his presence in my mind. I thought at one point that it was because I didn't want to... but I do! I have changed, and looking around me, I can see so much more that I could grasp had I the strength to just let go. So much more in my sights, so much more I could experience and love and just be with... So much opportunity that mocks me and tugs at my heart with longing. This need for human companionship that my hormones insist on bringing up time and time again is not helping my nerves any during this important time.
I really need to get rid of these silly overly-romantic notions that keep swirling about in my head.
Okay, I shall consider this ready for posting online now, over a week from when I started writing this, not because it is complete, since it is not, but because I simply cannot be bothered to look at this document any more since it bores me and sickens me and makes me feel like a fool because I know I am one.
That and I know there will be an even longer one come New Year's Day. I so dearly hope Amanda and Kiyomi shall be holding their LAN on New Year's Day, it would help distract me if I was around friends that I could actually touch and hug and smile with and watch be happy. I have a feeling that it may be a difficult day for me to handle. Just a tiny indication, you know.
Like how you get a feeling that there might be a nice bonfire when you drop the lit match into the trashcan full of dry wood and kindling.
12.31.2004 4:43:04 AM
Hyaaa..... I feel so sad. Sweet but bitter, hmm? Kimi wa Petto... depressing. But, you know, I can relate. I feel funny saying I can relate to a television drama modeled after a shoujo manga, but it hurts. Momo... Takeshi... "Nantoka na..." te yuu no. Baka mitai no? Maa, so much drama... it's going to my head, I'm afraid. Better my head than my heart... but whatever. Momo and Sumire... Takeshi and Sumire... ...Hasumi and Sumire... ka? Momo and Sumire, 'petto' and 'goshujin-sama', ii kanji da ne. After sitting through ten episodes of that, I feel like typing in Japanese, it just fits better... you know? But unfortunately, I'm not fluent, so I'm stuck with this half engrish business that makes me even more of a hypocrite. Ma, iikedo saa. Shouganai... te? Demo... I do wish I had a Momo to tackle me and yell "OKAERI NASAI" when I walk through the door. I wish I had someone who I could hold close, bathe, pet, reward, and cry in front of.
I thought Hasumi-sempai would have been better. What was with him at the end? It was okay, it was fine and he was still a perfect 'Ouji' even at the end... until he rejected her. When he said that stupid line about not being able to forgive her. What the fuck was that? And even then, I could understand that... if it weren't for that part with Momo, err... Takeshi? and the LIE. HOW could he say that? What could... ugh, you know, it would have been okay if he had just not lied to Momo. I mean, that shows that he's not the prince, he's not the perfect man that his character was supposed to be... and it let viewers hate him. I mean... what a nasty shot, even if it was the only thing bad he really did, to try and purposely mislead Momo, even though he KNEW he wasn't going to marry her, to try to destroy whatever chance Momo and Sumire had at happiness together? Fuck, after that, he deserves that conniving little bitch Fukishiwa or whatever her name is. I hope she tangos into his heart, and then gets bored and RIPS IT OUT. Err... yeah... should I remind you again of what a hypocrite I am?
Datte saa... I must admit, I'm far too shallow. I have my standards, just like Iwaya, but unless my Momo was a cutie like Takeshi, I doubt I would really be able to hold him close, cry on him, and use him as support. I know I shouldn't be so shallow or selfish or whatever, but honestly... a face you wake up to daily, a body you carress nightly, a form you hold onto always... you can blame it on youth or stupidity or hormones or ego or whatever... but I've always been a sucker for a pretty face.
Why, though? Why isn't it okay to have a person as a pet? Aside from the paid ones, human pets are just as necessary to their owners, and vice versa, as any other type of pet, moreso actually. Moreso that other humans, as well. Dependency, the ability to be oneself, the need for an oasis, the freedom in taking care of someone and letting them take away your stress, the love in caring for someone and being responsible for thier happiness... what is wrong with that? It's the purest form of affection. Society... ah, I don't know anymore. I've always had these important sounding theories about society, and witty oneliners describing the pitifulness of human nature, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe they only sound important to me, but everyone else has already seem how pointless and childinsh and naive they really are.
This is so jumbled.. but that's okay. It's how I feel. Not quite, actually, as there was much more I wanted to write about Kimi wa Petto, and so much more about how I seem to have fallen in love with the idea, the feeling, and situation of a pet like Momo... demo, muri dattara.
I probably won't be as lucky as Sumire, to have that one person who truly understands you come back to stay by your side forever. I probably won't ever even get a person like that in the first place, so them leaving and then coming back is out of the question, hmm?
Somehow... I feel so sad. I feel like crying. I feel... I feel so lonely. I'm going to go tonight, I'm going to go, and I'm going to forget. I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to drown out the tears and the pain and the lonliness with the crowd and the noise of my friends.
..I should go finish taking the slides for my portfolio.
1.04.2005 6:21:09 AM
Sunday, January 2, 2005
11:00 PM
I dreamed of him. I told myself I would forget him, told myself over and over again, but I dreamed of him last night. It felt so good, so warm, so goddamned perfect when I held his hand, leaned against him, hid behind him, felt his arms wrap around me protectively... Gods, I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever. That feeling of support, of comfort, of SAFETY that he radiated... I need that right now. I need it, I need it to be surrounding me in reality, not just in my delusions, and after that dream my mind craves nothing else so strongly. I woke twice, but both times I fought to regain and continue that dream, and both times I dozed back and melted back into his arms, and when I finally got out of bed, I had never felt so alone in my life. Walking through the house, sitting on the couch, sitting in the kitchen by myself, staring at the phone cradled in its charger and my cell phone, both of which contained no one I could call for that comfort in voice, in mind, it struck me how very alone I really was. When you have over fifty numbers in your phone book, but not a single person who can make you feel safe among them, or rather, a single one you can't get up the nerve to call, and who probably doesn't want to hear from you anyways, perhaps its time for a little lesson in personal sanity maintenance.
The dream, though, it made me feel so warm. I... it was so vivid. So surreal, yet maybe because I wanted to believe it was real so badly, wanted to savor each touch and sight and smile that was so JEFF, that I just convinced myself those things could really happen. It's fuzzy now, but there was a building... in the beginning I was imprisoned? held captive? used, I think... or close to it. I was running again. Running from so many creatures... or were they people? Maybe it was a school, I remember there were a lot of captives. Some sort of assembly that I ran away from because Jeff pulled up in a car... He was my beacon, my safety point, and he was not afraid. Running with my hand in his, flinging myself behind him in sheer terror of a mocking, grinning person as he radiates warmth and just laughs, his aura a shield that keeps others away... There is this heat in my chest, the middle of my chest beneath my ribcage, right along the breastbone, a tingling sort of warmth that flickers briefly at the memory. I was so helpless... is that what I want? That was a stupid question. That is what I want with him. If we were in a situation like KwP, I would be Momo. That heat in my chest is back again. It hurts, a searing burn, now. I'm going crazy, I really am.
I can't deal with this anymore. I can't do this, I can't DO this anymore, do THIS. It hurts, I can't take it! I... everything I do turns out wrong. I've lost my balance, I can't regain that adeptness that I had, the ability to cope. I keep fucking up. I keep fucking CRYING. It's not like me. It's not ME anymore. What have I become?
My skin is a pale, pasty, unnaturally off-white color, and my eyes are constantly red-rimmed, tinged with the black and blue of lines worn by stress and bags worn by bouts of insomnia and bouts of too much sleep. I hurt, everywhere.
My parents are pissed off with me, my sister is pissed off with me, my cousin is sick of me, my aunts and uncles don't know what to do with me, my friends can't do anything for me, and every time I try to do something for myself it just fucks things up even more.
I need an Oishi that will let me be an Eiji. Someone who will make sure the rope never tangles, and will always be there to cover me and take care of me when I need to recharge, no matter what the situation. Someone who knows me better than I know myself, and who knows just what spots to hit that make me relax and play at my best. Someone who loves me, and that I can love freely.
I need that.
I'm crumbling, I can feel it, and if I fall this time, I don't think even all the King's men could piece me back together, not this time.
Real life never gives you a prince in shining armor. It certainly doesn't give you a princess in one either, or the acceptance for that situation, it just gives you an expiration date stamped where everyone can see it except you.
Monday, January 3, 2005
3:30 AM
I just finished watching The Order. Heath Ledger... was he the one that played Wesley in the Princess Bride? Looks and sounds like him. Anyhow, it was quite the dramatic faith-breaker. Like a movie version of The DaVinci Code, or Angels and Demons, whichever one it was with the Illuminati, and where the cardinal or the pope was the villain. I loved it. I feel more stable now, and incredibly intrigued by the wonder that religion and cult-themed tales invokes in my mind. Faith, after all, is the most fickle lover of them all.
Monday, January 3, 2005
8:00 PM
I'm so tired... the back of my head, through to my temples, it throbs painfully. This headache has been nagging and tugging at the back of my mind since I dragged myself out of bed at 11:30.
Monday, January 3, 2005
11:51 PM
Heh. Fell asleep for a couple hours. Woke up at 10:30, found that the box of Tylenol expired five years ago, and asked Julia for some drugs for the pain. It fuckin' hurt like hell by then, that throbbing in my skull. I took two Advil, and lo and behold, it took its damn time but it worked. It took like, half an hour. Ugh. But now my headache is gone, so I am grateful.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
12:03 AM
New Year's Eve was wonderful. I've never felt more content than when I was sitting in that bean bag, warm under the sleeping bag, watching Shawn being... well, Shawn, in the corner of the room and sleeping, and Brian and Jordan fumbling with their computers, and Trent on his bed flipping through the channels to try to get something more interesting than South Park to watch. Or before that, with us trying to figure out answers to the Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit cards. It didn't matter that I was a girl, or that they were all guys, because we were comfortable with each other and it just didn't matter. There was trust, there was understanding, and there was laughter. It was a wonderful ending to a wonderful night.
I just wish that the morning had been better for Amanda, Amanda's Mom, Trent, and Trent's mom. I didn't want to get them involved... I'm so sorry, guys.
...on a different topic, and a more selfish one... I hope my TeniPuriMyus are done downloading!!! X3 I really, really, really want to watch them... Mweeheeheeheeee, TeniPuri RABURABU ~(*3*)~ chi-yuuuuuuu!
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6/07/2005 5:00:00 PM
So.
I've decided that I really need to stop kidding myself.
About a lot of things, but mostly about him.
It's not fair that I measure everyone else by my vision of his personality, wit, looks, voice, style, sweetness... especially since my vision could be so far off from the truth that it hurts just thinking about that possibility. It's not fair to him that I still have him on a pedastal, even though we're not together any more. It's stupid that I can't stop thinking about him, and probably really annoying that I can't break off contact with him.
He's too sweet for words... and I have this sinking feeling that the only reason he awknowledges me at all now is because it would be rude not to.
But then again, I've always been horribly insecure when it comes to anything even remotely connected to him.
So this is me, trying one more time to turn that stupid stubborn leaf.
In other news, I visited Claire yesterday. :) That was a lot more relaxing than I thought it would be. We met in Old Town Sac so she could pick up a cardboard stand-up of Yoda from that movie store Stage 9, and went grocery shopping and then back to her house. One of her music students, Clara I think her name was, was with us as well. Clara ended up cleaning Mixer's house (probably some arrangement typically Claire, like guitar lessons in exchange for housecleaning) while Mixer and I chatted about life, the universe, and teenage drama. :p It was nice to see her again though, it really was. As much as I harp on her faults, I've grown to be able to admit that no one is perfect and no one can fully live up to my standards (well, there has been one exception, but like I said, I'm trying to move on damnit... besides, proof that no one should live up to my standards: I'll get too attached to something WAY the FUCK out of my league. ahem. sorry.) and I can be happy being around a person whose bad habits I can tolerate or overlook. I've also given up trying to change people, but that's a whole different part of the post.
So anyways, we talked a lot about my plans for college, and we talked about people and past issues we're both trying to work through... and after Clara went home we went to Radio Shack to pick up speakers and a CD player and planned how she was going to outfit her scooter for the Star Wars Episode III parade on May 13th. Then I cooked Rice-a-Roni for her and she made refried beans and whipped out the tortillas we'd bought earlier and we munched on dinner while talking about insecurities and people we liked and relationship fears (all that girly chitchat) and books. We had quite a long discussion about books and literature and suchlike, but it was cut short when my mom arrived to give me a ride home.
My mom and I had a decent talk in the car about college and careers and languages and Chinese culture/society/government/dialects, surprisingly enough, and I think it made her really happy, which was nice since I think the tension between her and my dad when they dropped me off earlier had kind of really pissed her off and made her depressed. It feels like little things I do, like haing a conversation without yelling or getting tightlipped or irritated, makes mom and dad really happy. I kind of wish it was easier to do things like that seeing the results, but it's so hard... everytime they open their mouths i'm already tensing and irked before they even say a word because it's almost like a conditioned response. Very rarely do I ever hear something from either of them that isn't inane or redundant or so... hypocritical/untactful/rude/mean. It's just... them. It's pathetic though that it's so difficult for me to be nice. I really am very spoiled and rude myself. I... I dunno, I guess I feel bad. I mean, I knew it before, but recently it's started to really sink in that my parents are very lonely and feel very isolated here in Roseville. Mom has half her family in California, so it's not so bad for her, but she feels like all her coworkers hate her or just use her, and she doesn't really have any friends outside of family members. Dad doesn't have anyone here in the states, really. Everyone in his family is back in Singapore, and his personality/habits/need to say something about shit he doesn't know anything about all the time really make it difficult, almost impossible, for people to get along with him. It wasn't so bad before when he was at Everett Charles, because at least them he liked talking to his coworkers and they liked talking to him, but now he doesn't have anything to do, and he probably feels useless as well as alienated, and a burden because of his diabetic attacks. I feel so... awkward. I don't know how to say or what to say. Or perhaps I do, but I can't bring myself to say it for some reason. I think I am too stubborn, too prideful... too embarrassed.
Is there ever going to be a time when I'm honestly not embarrassed by my parents?
This subject always leaves me with more questions and uncertainties than I started with, so I'm going to move on to some non-family matters.
So. I was walking around Old Sac before Claire and Clara arrived. It hurt so much to be by myself.
I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to have to face all of this new shit that's being thrown in my face, these new places I'm being tossed into, I don't want to do it alone anymore.
I used to boast about the independence and exhiliration that flooded my body when I did shit like this on my own. Exploring on my own.
Sure, it's fun for the first day and a half.
After that, though, the walls dissappear, and there's so much there... so much of the unknown... I feel like I'm going to lose myself if I take another step and there's no one there behind me to lead me back home.
I'm scared.
It's a new feeling, this level of helplessness, because it's the first time I've felt this way about myself. I feel like I'm not strong enough to control where I'm going and the paths that I follow. I desperately desire someone strong enough to shield me. I want to run away.
It's a knee-jerk reaction, most likely. I know this.
It's just me trying to find a way to not deal with my new problems and the new complications that have arisen in my life. It's an excuse for me not wanting to try to be brave and step out into the world on my own.
But goddamnit, I really want someone to lean on.
I've never felt this vulnerable before. I've been wondering lately if it was really just with Jeff that I felt submissive. As in, if it's really just a matter of trust any more, and if I'm really as assertive and dominant as I've always boasted. I have no experience, really. Not when it comes to the big stuff. I have to right to tease and flirt and pretend that I'm someone who actually knows how to handle a bullwhip or have any real knowledge of the meanings of a safeword or the responsibility that entails a relationship with that much kink and fetish practices. I joke about it all, yes. But honestly... I've felt more like a sub in general recently than any sort of masquerading dom. I've been experimenting with knots and designs on myself, rope bondage, and it's... somewhat disturbingly arousing. There's always been a part of me that is addicted to the look of flesh under ropes, chains, in any sort of restraints... but I'm kind of scared at how much it gets to me when I'm the one underneath them. How big of a lie have I been living? Was it because of the depth of feeling for him that it came out, what I really want? Or was I just using him as an excuse to stop pretending? Was I pretending, after all?
I'm so confused.
I hope college will help me sort things out, mentally and physically and sexually. I just... I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't think I ever did, but I was so desperate to act like a grownup, to look sophisticated and fill up that sense of elitistness that I picked up from god knows where but refuses to go away. Maybe once I learn what these lies I've been acting out really entail, really mean, I'll be less confused. I feel myself longing to be part of that inner circle of SF goths. The ones that glared at me. That level of beauty and class and artistocracy and wonderful, tantalizing sex appeal. I want that. It sounds stupid, when I think logically, but still, I really want to be privy to that circle of people.
This topic also scares me, makes me feel... odd. Maybe ashamed of myself. So let's move on once again, yes?
I really need to start on my thank-you cards and gifts for my teachers.
For Ms. Schlaman, I'd like to draw her something. I'd like to create a portrait of her, warm and beautiful and snazzy like her amazing personality. I'd like to find a way to express how much she's affected my life, in some more tactful way that doesn't scare her off.
Mr. Johnson will get something written that tells him how much he's done for me and how great of a teacher I think he is.
Mr. Fodchuck, well... he's tough. I'm not sure I'd like to get him anything, because as much as I loved his class, thinking back on it... he wasn't really THAT great of a teacher. He was good, but he could have been so much better if he really cared. I get the feeling that he can be one helluva asshole at the very core, for all his wit and grin and philosophical musings. I would like to write him a letter, though.
Mr Bimson. Ah yes, Bimson. As much as I hate to say it, he's not that bad. And I do owe him quite a bit. I'm not sure what I would get him, but I know I need to write him a thank-you card. It should have a gorgeous design made by me to show him what I've gotten from his class. Well, maybe not from his class, but he won't know that. It'll give him something to brag about for a couple of years. :p
Mr. Branmuffin gets art (of course) and when I can afford it, I'd like to give him a giftcard to Harry and David's or something. He needs more spice and romance in his life. I think at the heart, he's really a hopeless romantic still. As most artists are.
Whee. I stopped writing this post due to a suddenly overflowing schedule also known as the last month of high school and graduation, and here I am now, picking it up again after like, a month and a half. Or something. Okay, maybe I exaggerate. Maybe not. I dunno, I can't remember.
For the sake of a timeline of some sorts in my blog, I'm going to move on to another post now. Time to write about Graduation, Fanime, and all manner of things that occur between WHS and AoA. Oh joy.
