.|SWEET|...:White Chocolate Taint:...|SIN|.
+ i understand the fascination, the dream that comes alive at night... +
________________________________________________________________________________________
6.24.2004
I need something to do. I need something to occupy my mind with. To make these things go away. These little fetterings of hope and anguish and angst and jealousy and general hormones that won't leave me alone.
There was once a person who loved to read. She read and read and thought about writing, but in the end, her writings were far too disturbing for most anyone else to read, so she just continued readong others' thoughts and ideas, absorbing them. She loved to watch people and she always wanted to regain that feeling of detached curiousity, of contentment and learning, that she felt while watching the myriad of interesting couples walking along the Castro. She also loved people who, for one reason or another, did not want to or simply could not return those feelings. So she buried herself in reading again, and tried to ignore those people she loved, because sometimes, as hard as she tried to stay detached and observant and just not care, it hurt too much for her to bear. So sometimes she cried. And sometimes she just added more bricks to the wall she tried to create around herself. To justify the wall to others because for some reason she seemed to still want other people's company, regardless of if she cared about them or not, she made a garden. A pretty garden of sunshine and warmth and lillies against the banks of a pond with little coy fish swimming in it where you could skip stones or play with kittens, and it was dazzling and shiny and distracting. No one noticed the wall anymore. But then she couldn't help herself one day, and she walked outside of her little wall and garden, and found herself reluctant to return after giving in to her weakness. She loved again, and hurt again, and when she was alone again she retreated back into her garden and behind her little wall. Every now and then, she would lean out of a window and pretend she was outside again, letting her weakness drive here again, and when she was alone, and she went back behind her wall and sat in her study, alone, surrounded by books. And she would lose herself in her books for a while. Eventually the elements would wear down and scratch and erode her little wall until it crashed down, but for now it would hold in her roving mind as she dreamed. And read. And fantasized about being able to live the dreams that she dreamt, like the stories that she read.
That's my little fairy tale. Perhaps there is a lot of self pity, and no small amount of self flattery, but while I'm no Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty, I know what I want, and I wonder why I build myself these walls. Maybe I'm just as stupid and hypocritical as the people I so despise, and I'm just to stubborn to accept it fully. I know I'm a hypocrite... but it's a whole different matter to fully accept it than just to understand it somewhat. I think I like making life difficult for me, simply so I can complain about it. Or make other people feel pity for me...? Pity is a horrid feeling, though. Degrading and altogether non-satisfying. So hollow. So... lonely. Not even the good degredation that you might expect from a D/s relationship. Just.... Hollow.
I think I'm posting this to the wrong blog. Oh well. Maybe I want people to read this. Maybe I'm just that desperate for... attention? Acknowledgement? Desire? ...Companionship? I don't know. I'm lonely. And annoyed, because I'm angsty and affected by the fact that I'm by myself. But I still stay aloof. I think maybe I"m just a sucker for punishment. I should talk to one of the Mme or Mistresses, and figure out if I'm really as dominant as I thought I was. Maybe that's my problem.
.alieu
There was once a person who loved to read. She read and read and thought about writing, but in the end, her writings were far too disturbing for most anyone else to read, so she just continued readong others' thoughts and ideas, absorbing them. She loved to watch people and she always wanted to regain that feeling of detached curiousity, of contentment and learning, that she felt while watching the myriad of interesting couples walking along the Castro. She also loved people who, for one reason or another, did not want to or simply could not return those feelings. So she buried herself in reading again, and tried to ignore those people she loved, because sometimes, as hard as she tried to stay detached and observant and just not care, it hurt too much for her to bear. So sometimes she cried. And sometimes she just added more bricks to the wall she tried to create around herself. To justify the wall to others because for some reason she seemed to still want other people's company, regardless of if she cared about them or not, she made a garden. A pretty garden of sunshine and warmth and lillies against the banks of a pond with little coy fish swimming in it where you could skip stones or play with kittens, and it was dazzling and shiny and distracting. No one noticed the wall anymore. But then she couldn't help herself one day, and she walked outside of her little wall and garden, and found herself reluctant to return after giving in to her weakness. She loved again, and hurt again, and when she was alone again she retreated back into her garden and behind her little wall. Every now and then, she would lean out of a window and pretend she was outside again, letting her weakness drive here again, and when she was alone, and she went back behind her wall and sat in her study, alone, surrounded by books. And she would lose herself in her books for a while. Eventually the elements would wear down and scratch and erode her little wall until it crashed down, but for now it would hold in her roving mind as she dreamed. And read. And fantasized about being able to live the dreams that she dreamt, like the stories that she read.
That's my little fairy tale. Perhaps there is a lot of self pity, and no small amount of self flattery, but while I'm no Rapunzel or Sleeping Beauty, I know what I want, and I wonder why I build myself these walls. Maybe I'm just as stupid and hypocritical as the people I so despise, and I'm just to stubborn to accept it fully. I know I'm a hypocrite... but it's a whole different matter to fully accept it than just to understand it somewhat. I think I like making life difficult for me, simply so I can complain about it. Or make other people feel pity for me...? Pity is a horrid feeling, though. Degrading and altogether non-satisfying. So hollow. So... lonely. Not even the good degredation that you might expect from a D/s relationship. Just.... Hollow.
I think I'm posting this to the wrong blog. Oh well. Maybe I want people to read this. Maybe I'm just that desperate for... attention? Acknowledgement? Desire? ...Companionship? I don't know. I'm lonely. And annoyed, because I'm angsty and affected by the fact that I'm by myself. But I still stay aloof. I think maybe I"m just a sucker for punishment. I should talk to one of the Mme or Mistresses, and figure out if I'm really as dominant as I thought I was. Maybe that's my problem.
.alieu
6.19.2004
You're the artistic KakaIru fan. You love pictures
and merchandise. You'll draw fanart of the two
for hours. Love for the pairing is all that
matters to you. There's no need to argue with
others who disagree; you're too busy with your
infatuation for KakaIru.
What Kind of KakaIru Fan are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
:3
6.18.2004
| Informationi |
| joanie is a restricted area. Authorised personel only |
From Go-Quiz.com
Whereas my sister...
| LOOK OUT! |
| julia is a radioactive squirrel!! |
From Go-Quiz.com
| How to make a alieu |
| Ingredients: 5 parts competetiveness 1 part ambition 5 parts joy |
| Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge! |
6.16.2004
I feel so... oh, I dunno. Hollow. Everything I set my sights on I fail at, lately, and the thing that irks me is that it's my own lack of willpower that causes those failures. /angstangst. I've been watching KouKou Kyoushi (Highschool Teacher), a J-drama with Aya Ueto in it.. and it's really depressing.
[spoilers]
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
So this whole show is really sad and kinda fucked up. Aya plays Hina, an innocent and somewhat naive high school student trying to figure out love, sex, friendships, and other teenage issues. She befriends a classmate named Beniko, a girl from a rich family that is in her class. Beniko is gossiped about by others because she is in a rush to be 'grown up', especially in the areas of sex and experience with men. Hina meets a man in a restaurant and lies about her age to get him to sleep with her, but she chickens out in the end, and they end up just sleeping in the same bed. Afterwards, it turns out that the guy she met was the new math teacher at her school, and he is going to die soon because of an illness, but Hina doesn't know that. The head teacher (he teaches English) is interested in Beniko and another one of the teachers (I forget what subject she teaches...), and the female teacher is head over heels for the head teacher as well. Then there's the host at the club and his posse of friends. An older girl from Hina's school picks out 'borderline girls', and sends them to meet Yuji (the host), so that he can play with thier feelings and make them spend lots of money on him at the club where he works. She directs him to Beniko, who is very rich, and he lies to her and makes her fall for him. Then his friends rape her under the guise of him owning them money, and she drops out of school to work in a love hotel. The head teacher stops pursuing the female teacher and pays for all her hours at the love hotel and teaches her English since she isn't at school. Meanwhile, Hina has to go to the hospital for a PE injury and while she's there she hears the lady doctor telling the math teacher that he has a brain tumour and would most likely only live 6 months. She thinks it's ehr they are talking about since she didn't hear it all and was in there for hitting her head (in PE), and he, for some reason, decides to let her keep believing that. She doesn't tell anyone else, and the math teacher finds that she goes through exactly what he did, and they spend more and more time together, Hina going to his house all the time, and even makng her own key to his apartment/house/thing. One night she sees the math teacher and the doctor having sex, and she tries to sort out whether she's in love with him or not. There are all these chances for the math teacher to tell her the truth, but he can't bring himself to do it because he's clinging to the fact that there's someone who understands him now. They grow closer and closer, and he can't deny her anything, and he comes to treasure her as the most important person in his life, and vows to look after her as long as he can. He introduces Hina to his nephew in order to convince himself that she isn't really in love with him, and that he isn't really in love with her, that it was dependence and not love. But Hina gets so desperate for love that she confuses it with sex, and she goes to a hotel to lose her virginity with the nephew. The math teacher gets there in time and takes her back to his apartment, and then they finally have sex, and life is blissfull for the next couple of days. They walk around school sharing secret smiles and brushing hands as they pass each other, and they're both in love. Hina asks him to calculate how long it would take for two lovers' souls to meet again in space after they die, and he stays up all night at school doing calculations, but that night Hina finally finds out that he lied to her, and confronts him in the morning. That's the last episode I watched, and now I'm waiting for more.
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
[/spoilers]
I have to go now, but I'll write more later.
.alieu
[spoilers]
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
So this whole show is really sad and kinda fucked up. Aya plays Hina, an innocent and somewhat naive high school student trying to figure out love, sex, friendships, and other teenage issues. She befriends a classmate named Beniko, a girl from a rich family that is in her class. Beniko is gossiped about by others because she is in a rush to be 'grown up', especially in the areas of sex and experience with men. Hina meets a man in a restaurant and lies about her age to get him to sleep with her, but she chickens out in the end, and they end up just sleeping in the same bed. Afterwards, it turns out that the guy she met was the new math teacher at her school, and he is going to die soon because of an illness, but Hina doesn't know that. The head teacher (he teaches English) is interested in Beniko and another one of the teachers (I forget what subject she teaches...), and the female teacher is head over heels for the head teacher as well. Then there's the host at the club and his posse of friends. An older girl from Hina's school picks out 'borderline girls', and sends them to meet Yuji (the host), so that he can play with thier feelings and make them spend lots of money on him at the club where he works. She directs him to Beniko, who is very rich, and he lies to her and makes her fall for him. Then his friends rape her under the guise of him owning them money, and she drops out of school to work in a love hotel. The head teacher stops pursuing the female teacher and pays for all her hours at the love hotel and teaches her English since she isn't at school. Meanwhile, Hina has to go to the hospital for a PE injury and while she's there she hears the lady doctor telling the math teacher that he has a brain tumour and would most likely only live 6 months. She thinks it's ehr they are talking about since she didn't hear it all and was in there for hitting her head (in PE), and he, for some reason, decides to let her keep believing that. She doesn't tell anyone else, and the math teacher finds that she goes through exactly what he did, and they spend more and more time together, Hina going to his house all the time, and even makng her own key to his apartment/house/thing. One night she sees the math teacher and the doctor having sex, and she tries to sort out whether she's in love with him or not. There are all these chances for the math teacher to tell her the truth, but he can't bring himself to do it because he's clinging to the fact that there's someone who understands him now. They grow closer and closer, and he can't deny her anything, and he comes to treasure her as the most important person in his life, and vows to look after her as long as he can. He introduces Hina to his nephew in order to convince himself that she isn't really in love with him, and that he isn't really in love with her, that it was dependence and not love. But Hina gets so desperate for love that she confuses it with sex, and she goes to a hotel to lose her virginity with the nephew. The math teacher gets there in time and takes her back to his apartment, and then they finally have sex, and life is blissfull for the next couple of days. They walk around school sharing secret smiles and brushing hands as they pass each other, and they're both in love. Hina asks him to calculate how long it would take for two lovers' souls to meet again in space after they die, and he stays up all night at school doing calculations, but that night Hina finally finds out that he lied to her, and confronts him in the morning. That's the last episode I watched, and now I'm waiting for more.
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
[/spoilers]
I have to go now, but I'll write more later.
.alieu
Placebo - English Summer Rain
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Start again, start again...
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Start again... (x13)
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Start again, start again...
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Start again... (x16)
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
I'm in the basement, you're in the sky,
I'm in the basement baby, drop on by.
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Start again, start again...
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Start again... (x13)
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Always stays the same, nothing ever changes,
English summer rain seems to last for ages.
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Start again, start again...
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Hold your breath and count to ten,
Then fall apart, then start again,
Start again... (x16)
6.07.2004
6.06.2004
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-YA!
...and stuff.
^^; Yesterday I woke up early and wasted 4.5 hours taking the SATs! SAT I, this time. I must say, it was loads easier than the SAT IIs, I think, but I guess I'll have to wait and see what my test scores look like this time around, it could have just been that I thought it was easy... o.<;;;
Anyhow, yesterday was also Julia's birthday, so we went out to dinner at Elephant Bar over by Sunrise. Auntie Kew went too, since it's her birthday today, so it was sort of a double-celebration-thingummy. I feel bad because I have nothing for either of them, I'm still so broke after Fanime! I'm really getting pissed off with Claire and JonDek, though. I want the pre-reg money they owe me.
Ah! Fanime was loads of fun. I want to write a Con report this year, a proper one that's finished, not like last year's... and I still have everyone's crap they asked me to get signed for them. Blah. Anyhow, I saw at the Fanime 2005 Registration Page that it'll be on Memorial Day Weekend again, and also at the San Jose Convention Center again! Like it says on the page, Pre-Reg now is $35 again. I want to go next year again! I really do! But I have to think about Paul and Julia, too. I mean, they're the real reason I'm allowed to go, and it's just selfish of me to ask them to go for the whole con again if they don't want to go. It's a waste of their time and money and tolerance. ...but damnit, I really want to go again! The big thing is the fact that I also want to go to AX, and that's what Paul wants to do next year instead of Fanime. Ahhhh, so many choices... I also have to save for the trip to Japan! And hell, for COLLEGE! Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to get through college... I know I really have to start getting those scholarships and grants NOW, but fuck, I don't know why I procrastinate so much! It's so irritating, and I always tell myself, "I'm going to change! I'm going to actually set aside time and DO this!" But then all I do is surf the net. I'm such a loser.
Anyways, I think I'll finish up the mini Con-Report I'm doing on the forums, and then go from there with the REAL one. I'm also going to start looking at scholarship applications RIGHT NOW! Heehee. No really, I swear! :3
Jyan-jyan~
.alieu
...and stuff.
^^; Yesterday I woke up early and wasted 4.5 hours taking the SATs! SAT I, this time. I must say, it was loads easier than the SAT IIs, I think, but I guess I'll have to wait and see what my test scores look like this time around, it could have just been that I thought it was easy... o.<;;;
Anyhow, yesterday was also Julia's birthday, so we went out to dinner at Elephant Bar over by Sunrise. Auntie Kew went too, since it's her birthday today, so it was sort of a double-celebration-thingummy. I feel bad because I have nothing for either of them, I'm still so broke after Fanime! I'm really getting pissed off with Claire and JonDek, though. I want the pre-reg money they owe me.
Ah! Fanime was loads of fun. I want to write a Con report this year, a proper one that's finished, not like last year's... and I still have everyone's crap they asked me to get signed for them. Blah. Anyhow, I saw at the Fanime 2005 Registration Page that it'll be on Memorial Day Weekend again, and also at the San Jose Convention Center again! Like it says on the page, Pre-Reg now is $35 again. I want to go next year again! I really do! But I have to think about Paul and Julia, too. I mean, they're the real reason I'm allowed to go, and it's just selfish of me to ask them to go for the whole con again if they don't want to go. It's a waste of their time and money and tolerance. ...but damnit, I really want to go again! The big thing is the fact that I also want to go to AX, and that's what Paul wants to do next year instead of Fanime. Ahhhh, so many choices... I also have to save for the trip to Japan! And hell, for COLLEGE! Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to get through college... I know I really have to start getting those scholarships and grants NOW, but fuck, I don't know why I procrastinate so much! It's so irritating, and I always tell myself, "I'm going to change! I'm going to actually set aside time and DO this!" But then all I do is surf the net. I'm such a loser.
Anyways, I think I'll finish up the mini Con-Report I'm doing on the forums, and then go from there with the REAL one. I'm also going to start looking at scholarship applications RIGHT NOW! Heehee. No really, I swear! :3
Jyan-jyan~
.alieu
