I feel so... oh, I dunno. Hollow. Everything I set my sights on I fail at, lately, and the thing that irks me is that it's my own lack of willpower that causes those failures. /angstangst. I've been watching KouKou Kyoushi (Highschool Teacher), a J-drama with Aya Ueto in it.. and it's really depressing.
[spoilers]
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So this whole show is really sad and kinda fucked up. Aya plays Hina, an innocent and somewhat naive high school student trying to figure out love, sex, friendships, and other teenage issues. She befriends a classmate named Beniko, a girl from a rich family that is in her class. Beniko is gossiped about by others because she is in a rush to be 'grown up', especially in the areas of sex and experience with men. Hina meets a man in a restaurant and lies about her age to get him to sleep with her, but she chickens out in the end, and they end up just sleeping in the same bed. Afterwards, it turns out that the guy she met was the new math teacher at her school, and he is going to die soon because of an illness, but Hina doesn't know that. The head teacher (he teaches English) is interested in Beniko and another one of the teachers (I forget what subject she teaches...), and the female teacher is head over heels for the head teacher as well. Then there's the host at the club and his posse of friends. An older girl from Hina's school picks out 'borderline girls', and sends them to meet Yuji (the host), so that he can play with thier feelings and make them spend lots of money on him at the club where he works. She directs him to Beniko, who is very rich, and he lies to her and makes her fall for him. Then his friends rape her under the guise of him owning them money, and she drops out of school to work in a love hotel. The head teacher stops pursuing the female teacher and pays for all her hours at the love hotel and teaches her English since she isn't at school. Meanwhile, Hina has to go to the hospital for a PE injury and while she's there she hears the lady doctor telling the math teacher that he has a brain tumour and would most likely only live 6 months. She thinks it's ehr they are talking about since she didn't hear it all and was in there for hitting her head (in PE), and he, for some reason, decides to let her keep believing that. She doesn't tell anyone else, and the math teacher finds that she goes through exactly what he did, and they spend more and more time together, Hina going to his house all the time, and even makng her own key to his apartment/house/thing. One night she sees the math teacher and the doctor having sex, and she tries to sort out whether she's in love with him or not. There are all these chances for the math teacher to tell her the truth, but he can't bring himself to do it because he's clinging to the fact that there's someone who understands him now. They grow closer and closer, and he can't deny her anything, and he comes to treasure her as the most important person in his life, and vows to look after her as long as he can. He introduces Hina to his nephew in order to convince himself that she isn't really in love with him, and that he isn't really in love with her, that it was dependence and not love. But Hina gets so desperate for love that she confuses it with sex, and she goes to a hotel to lose her virginity with the nephew. The math teacher gets there in time and takes her back to his apartment, and then they finally have sex, and life is blissfull for the next couple of days. They walk around school sharing secret smiles and brushing hands as they pass each other, and they're both in love. Hina asks him to calculate how long it would take for two lovers' souls to meet again in space after they die, and he stays up all night at school doing calculations, but that night Hina finally finds out that he lied to her, and confronts him in the morning. That's the last episode I watched, and now I'm waiting for more.
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[/spoilers]
I have to go now, but I'll write more later.
.alieu
