/dies. That sucked major arse. I think people are mad at me now. I would be, if I were them. I was all stoked and gonna call people up at like, 9 am, and we were gonna go do shit. ...and I never got to call. First I woke up late myself, since I went to sleep at like, 6:30 am and slept through three alarms... and then I got saddled with 'move your laundry before you do anything else!', and then 'clean up that shit in your room' since all my art stuff was all over the floor from working on homework. And then I had to clean the bathroom. ...If there was a reason I didn't call inbetween doing one of these things, I'm not sure what the fuck it was anymore. I think I just didn't remember. Sucks arse, regardless. And now I'm stuck doing dishes again, and more laundry, althought that part is my fault, and then I'll probably have to stay home to finish my Illustrator project. This sucks. ...I hate being flaky, because I hater being flaked *on*. BLAH. Fucking chores. ::whinewhinebitchmoancomplain:: ...sorry guys, if it makes any difference. -_-;;;;;;;;;;;;;  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 4:00:00 PM

Hello/Picasa is being irky and troublesome and I'm not sure if it's gonna publish my post. It was supposed to have a piccie of Tristan, and my first line was gonna be: Tristan says "Cheers." but oh well. Here's the post in case it doesn't get through with the image:

I had my Semi-birthday-thingummy earlier this morning. Trent, Kaitlen, Shawn, and Brian showed up around 11:30 last night, and stayed and chatted and ate ice cream with me until around 1 AM. They they had to book it to get Kaitlen home and the rest of them to Trent's house. Sometimes I want to be a guy so I can go to all the sleepovers my male friends have. I guess it'd be different if more of my female friends actually did that sort of stuff; slumber parties and whatnot. Stupid gender associated prejudices. Just because we have hormones now doesn't mean we don't know how to control them. Anyways, I kinda want to do an AudioBlogger post, but my phone is downstairs and I don't have the will to go get it. Maybe later. I should go to sleep soon, since I'm supposed to be waking up "early" to wake everyone else up so we can do something. Gotta get in touch with Cris and April, too. Well, I'm getting a little tired, so to make a long story short, we ate Mint Chocolate Chip and Cookies and Cream ice cream, made lots of gay jokes about Shawn and Brian (*heehee*, sorry guys), whined about past ex-s and EQ nublets, whined about work, laughed a lot, and I got a 2 liter of Coke, all on my driveway. *AND* I got ***2*** hugs from Kaitlen. X3 (j/p.... but I really did get the hugs!) Plus, I got monies from Trent and Kaitlen for my birthday (I asked for advance b-day gifts of cash, to help fund my Otakon trip ^^;;;;;). All in all, an extremely relaxing and enjoyable way to spend a night/morning. It made me forget about all the stuff I've been stressing out on. I don't think I stopped smiling the whole time. *^-^* ::heart:: Sankyuu, guys. To repay you, I'm gonna wake ya'll up at the asscrack of dawn and make you take me places! BWAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....just kidding. I'll probably call them all up around 9 AM, though. Okay, now I should go to sleep. Thanks guys, driveway campouts rock so hard when you're there to keep me laughing. <3 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 3:45:00 AM

OMFG, people read this??!?!?! Uhh... don't mind me, trying to be funny. Not really working. Whatever. Anywho, my posts lately have been shit, so here's a question for all of you to contemplate and analyze and overanalyze.

There are things you never say. Things you think of in your mind, negative things and snide remarks about other people and actions you witness. Scathing, unfair, hateful remarks full of jealousy and angst and hatred and all-around not-niceness. These traits are, of course, why you do not voice these thoughts. The ones that are critical of people around you and ask stupid questions and wonder why this or that isn't as good as that or this. Everyone has them. It's like the obscenities you yell out at other bad drivers on the road in your car when they cut you off. It's all well and good as long as the other person doesn't actually hear you say it. They can't do anything about it, and they won't judge you based on it, because they didn't even know it happened. Why, then, do we keep these things inside of us, and set up these false pretenses to everyone around us? Why do we keep these critisms to ourselves, even when dealing with our closest friends? Do they really know you, if you are only showing them a restrained and masked side of your true personality? Do you really know any of YOUR friends? It's funny, everyone always thinks, "So-and-so would never ever do anything so hateful to so-and-so... I just know it, it's not in their nature!" But that's not true. Inside their minds they probably *had* done things just as horrid many many many times over. That's just how human minds are. It's different, you say, because they don't act on it! But is it really? The motive and mental state was there. Actions may define us, but essentially we are all guilty of being murdering, calculating, distainful creatures in our minds. Just because only we ourselves know that fact doesn't change the fact that we are what we are.

Human.

...so much philosophy and psych at this time of morning makes my head hurt.


.alieu
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 3:25:00 AM

Otori Cryshalo (2:20:15 AM): Much affection, to those who will have it. ^^ <-- I'll order 12 <_<

Auto response from AlieuSylvrstrymz (2:20:15 AM): Sleeping. Because when I sleep, at least there's a chance things can go right. Leave a message. Much affection, to those who will have it. ^^







<3
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 3:20:00 AM

...irony is ever a stalwart lover.  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:33:00 PM

So it seems my BL game collection is rather lacking, still. I had hoped after my last few accquisitions, I would have all the ones I wanted to play, but apparently I just don't have the right connections anymore. Still looking for my A/0, and SukiSho3/4. Plus, I kind of want a copy of ...shit, I can't remember the name of it anymore. The shota one with the nazi-looking bois. The NCS one. For now I guess I'll stick to playing Silver Chaos, Scramble, and SukiSho1/2 again. Ooh, plus, Paul bought Myst 3 : Exile for PS2, so maybe I'll go veg with that instead. No hot prettyboi lovin', though. I'm such a pervert.  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 10:45:00 PM

Oh yeah. Lancelot was pretty hot too, with his double blades. Mrrrow. And Keira Knightley as Gwenivera or however you spell it in this version... YUM. Mediocre-to-poor acting, but she's still incredibly gorgeous and sexy. Plus, the whole archery thing... ahhh, so hot. Tristan looks better with a bow, though.  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:57:00 PM

Toooootally Viggo features. That's so hot.  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:54:00 PM

ZOMG, NEW OBSESSION. X3 Tristan from King Arthur, AKA Mads Mikklesen. Sooooooooo cool. He's got that amazing Viggo facial structure with the cheekbones and jaw and stubble~ And then there's the cool long hair, all Aragorn-ish and BRAIDED! SQUEE!!!!!!!!111!2!@22!!one! And the fact that he's scout, archer, has no qualms about killing, always looks for the best he can get out of situations (the box! Oh god, the BOX!), has cool face paint (makeup! X3 SQUEE), has the pretty dappled grey horse, can nail a knife with a knife (throwing knives, accounts by aiming not at the target XD), has a seshi voice, and is just all around incredibly SEXY! ...Plus, he has a hawk/falcon. Hunting birds are so cool. Omg. I'm so in love with his character. I have to stop myself from writing spoilers... but he's just soooooooooo cool~! /fangirls like crazy. Tristan~~~~~~~~~~~~ ...he doesn't look as cool w/o the nifty hair style, though. His img with shorter hair is somewhat lacking, I'll post one of those up too. With really short hair he looks icky. X3 ...but he's so cool!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Uhm... yeah. Did I already say he was sexy? Cause he is. As Tristan. Waaaaaa..... he's so hot. /swoony-ish-fangirls even more ...okay, I think I'm done for now. X3  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:52:00 PM

I have so much I want to write, but I don't have time, so maybe I'll update later if I finish my design project in time. Looks like I won't be making it to Mixer's house today at all. Fuckity.

Anyways, I think I shall hold off on anymore quizzes, and actually post shit that is worth posting. Real entries again. Heh, it's a while in coming.

.alieu
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 7:06:00 PM

Testing out AudioBlogger. I sound like an idiot. Or a hippie. Or some sort of doped out little kid.

....interesting.

 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 6:04:00 AM

You're a Perfect Kiss. You and your best friend
are a little more than friends now aren't
you...? hehe


What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla




Whoo-hoo. Go obsessive quiz-taking.
-_-;;
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:57:00 PM

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:57:00 PM

Afterlife as an Angel by childdoll
Your Name
Astrological Sign
Angel Type	Seraph
Wing Color	Lavendar
Heavenly Weapon	Wind Sword
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:38:00 PM

Vampire Chronicles by hannurdock
LJ Name
Which vampire will make you?	Louis de Pointe du Lac
Which vampire will break you?	Avacus
Which vampire will love you?	Pandora
Which vampire will hate you?	Daniel Molloy
Which vampire will be your immortal mate?	Marius de Romanus
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Mmmm....Marius. That's just sexy. 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:29:00 PM

"Twincest is Best."

Your HP Threesome by FayeValentine00
Your Username
Number of your Fav HP book
It will happen in	the Chamber of Secrets
With	Fred Weasley
And	George Weasley
During	a quidditch match
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 2:06:00 PM

:: jumps on bandwagon ::

First sighted on Genki's blog, and then in Phr34kish's DA journal.  What can I say, I'm a sucker for these pointless quizzie thingummies.
 
[ crossposted to DA Journal ]

 
 
 
LAYER ONE:
 

-- Name:
 
Joanie Lee-Anne Chew
 
 
-- Birthplace:
 
Alexian Brothers Hospital - San Jose, CA
 
 
-- Gender:
 
Female
 
 
-- Eye Color:
 
Brown.  Not Hazel or Honey or Almond or Burnt Toast, just Brown.
 
 
-- Hair Color:
 
Dark brown to almost black, depending on season
 
 
-- Height:
 
5'1~5'2, haven't checked recently
 
 
-- Righty or Lefty:
 
Right
 
 
-- Chinese Zodiac:
 
Rabbit

 
 
 
LAYER TWO:
 
 
-- Your heritage:
 
Chinese; Singaporean technically, but it all goes back to China in the end
 
 
-- Language:
 
Fluent in English, learning Japanese, Latin, and German, and tidbits of Chinese and Taiwanese
 
 
-- The shoes you wore today:
 
Black knee-high leather boots
 
 
-- Your fears:
 
Arachnaphobic, and there is a black spider the size of a silver dollar sitting on the floor less than five feet away from me.  I keep staring at it, and it keeps staring at me, and I think I might be more frightened of it than it is of me, because it's moved twice and I can't seem to convince myself to get out of my chair and find something large, blunt, and heavy.
 
 
-- Your perfect meal:
 
Jeffy, dipped in honey.  Err... shit, you didn't just read that... >.>;;
 
 
-- Goal you'd like to achieve:
 
Succeed as a Graphic Designer or Linguist and travel the world, or to live in a studio/apartment in SF near the Castro.

 
 
 
LAYER THREE:
 
 
-- Your thoughts first waking up:
 
....whu-- FUCK!  I'm late for work again!  Shitshitshit--and I didn't finish my homework!
 
 
-- Your best physical feature:
 
...physical?  Uhh... I've had compliments about my lower back/stomach, but I think I like my eyes.  They're not the prettiest, bit they're the parts I have the most fun decorating.
 
 
-- Your bedtime:
 
well, my dad starts bitching around 11:00...
 
 
-- Your most missed memory: 
  
Feeling safe and protected in the only way that really matters.

  
  
 
LAYER FOUR:

 
-- Pepsi or Coke:
 
CocaCola > *
 
 
-- McDonald's or Burger King:
 
Burger King
 
 
-- Single or group dates:
 
Depends where it is.
 
 
-- Adidas or Nike:
 
Adidas
 
 
-- Usually wears:
 
Jeans/black slacks, longsleeve t-shirt or oversized sweater/hoodie, bucket hat, and glasses/contacts.  Oh, and undergarments, but that's kind of a given. :: rolls eyes ::
 
 
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
 
The only tea I drink is Celestial Seasonings - Blackberry Zinger
 
 
-- Chocolate or Vanilla:
 
White chocolate or nothing
 
 
-- Cappuccino or Coffee:
 
Iced Caramel Macchiato?

 
 
 
LAYER FIVE:
 
 
-- Smoke:
 
Smells nasty and tastes worse.
 
 
-- Cuss:
 
Generally when I'm pissed off, at a loss for descriptive words, or if I'm... err, nevermind.
 
 
-- Sing:
 
If there's a good song stuck in my head, or a good song playing
 
 
-- Take a shower:
 
Mostly at night.
 
 
-- Have a crush:
 
You could say that.
 
 
-- Do you think you've been in love:
 
They say you never know until you have been... which is a conundrum in itself, so maybe.  Been in lust plenty of times, though.
 
 
-- Want to go to college:
 
Very much so.  Private art college, so I can spend the rest of my life paying off tuition and student loans.  @.@;;
 
 
-- Liked high school:
 
I lived it.  Whether or not I liked it is hard to say, but I wouldn't be me without the memories from it.
 
 
-- Want to get married:
 
Sometimes.
 
 
-- Get motion sickness:
 
Not unless I have a headache
 
 
-- Think you're attractive:
 
No.  Decent, I guess, I'm pretty skinny and such... but I've got the Chinese nose and could probably pass for a guy given the right materials and inspiration.
 
 
-- Think you're a health freak:
 
Not really
 
 
-- Get along with your parent(s):
 
No.
 
 
-- Like thunderstorms:
 
If I'm reading or drawing.
 
 
-- Play an instrument:
 
Some piano, a tiny bit of flute, I can sing decently, and I want to learn to play a Chinese floor harp.

 
 
 
LAYER SIX: In the past month have you...

 
-- Drank alcohol:
 
No
 
 
-- Smoked:
 
No
 
 
-- Done a drug:
 
No
 
 
-- Had Sex:
 
Define sex...
 
 
-- Made Out:
 
No
 
 
-- Gone on a date:
 
Only in my mind.
 
 
-- Gone to the mall?:
 
Yes, mostly the bookstore attached to it, though
 
 
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos:
 
Not recently
 
 
-- Eaten sushi:
 
Yes
 
 
-- Been on stage:
 
Not recently
 
 
-- Been dumped:
 
..the past month?  No.
 
 
-- Made homemade cookies:
 
No
 
 
-- Gone skinny dipping:
 
No
 
 
-- Dyed your hair:
 
No, though not for lack of trying
 
 
-- Stolen anything:
 
Define steal...

 
 
 
LAYER SEVEN: In a guy/girl..

 
-- Best eye color?:
 
Doesn't matter, although I'm partial to silvery-grey eyes.
 
 
-- Best hair color?:
 
Any color, as long as it's healthy and long on guys, or wild/striking and short on girls.
 
 
-- Height:
 
Guy - Lanky
Girl - Around my height or shorter
 
 
-- Best weight:
 
I like slim people.  And people who look half starved.  I don't care really as long as they have pretty abdomens.
 
 
-- Best articles of clothing:
 
Guys - crossdressing is sexy^max, and goth/punk/renaissance clothes that are sleek.  Subtle pinstripes.
Girls - Victorian Goth or well-fitted suits/businesswear.
Both - shirtless. <3

 
 
 
LAYER EIGHT:
 
 
-- Number of drugs taken illegally:
 
0
 
 
-- Number of piercings:
 
2
 
 
-- Number of tattoos:
 
0
 
 
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper:
 
Just a few.
 
 
-- Number of scars on my body:
 
Prominent/permanent - 2.  I get scars often, though.
 
 
-- Number of things in my past that I regret:
 
No regrets.  Never regret anything, because every choice you make and experience you live through defines *you* in infinite ways you probably do not even realize.

 
 
 
SOME QUESTIONS

 
1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4, Write down what it says:
 
"He wouldn't tell me what it was, but he said it was a pippin." - The Inimitable Jeeves, P.G. Wodehouse

 
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
 
My Moonchild DVD Box.

 
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
 
Some Stephen King flick that my parents were watching through dinner.

 
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
 
11:20

 
5: Now look at the clock; what is the actual time?
 
11:18

 
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
 
The static of silence, and some vague sounds from the TV in the living room.

 
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
 
Somewhere around 7:00, walking to the house from the car after getting home from buying a textbook.

 
8. Before you came to this Web site, what did you look at?
 
Email and various BBS boards ( simultaneously ).

 
9. What are you wearing?
 
Jeans, black tshirt, black Counter Culture hoodie, white ankle socks, and my ( illegal ) Hobbes bucket hat.

 
10. Did you dream last night?
 
I don't dream.  I just have nightmares.

 
11. When did you last laugh?
 
When I was at work this morning, to make Annette think I thought she was interesting/amusing/not a boring nosy windbag.

 
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
 
Fruits Basket poster, way outdated calendars, and some of my brother's artwork.

 
13: Seen anything weird lately?
 
Define wierd...

 
14: What is the last film you saw?
 
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on the iMax in Sacramento

 
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
 
A studio in SF, or my entire college tuition.

 
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know.
 
Who the fuck are you, anyways?  Uh... I guess most people don't know that I'm actually serious when I talk about bloodplay and breathplay.

 
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
 
I would wipe out humanity.  Yes, myself and those I hold affection for included, for all you idiots who would ask, "Even yourself and the people you love?"

 
19: Do you like to dance?
 
Very much so.  There's a lack of good dance partners, though... especially since dancing feels a lot like foreplay.

 
20: George Bush: is he really doing Dick Cheney?
 
They can bugger each other until they suffocate in wrinkles, but that doesn't change the fact that they're both pompus idiots.

 
 
 
EXTRA QUESTIONS

 
21a: Imagine your first child is a girl. What do you call her?
 
I wouldn't have children.  If I got to name someone else's kid, It'd probably be something elegant.  Maybe something with the 'elle' sound in it, but it would depend on what the kid looked like.

 
21b: Imagine your first child is a boy. What do you call him?
 
Again, if I could name someone else's kid, I might like to cal him Vincent, Kale ( for those of you who get the reference... shutup. ), Kaine, or something like that.  Again, it depends on what the hellspawn looks like.

 
22c: Would you ever consider living abroad?
 
Depends where.  I would love to travel, though, so if I found a place I didn't get bored with, definately.

 
 
 
.alieu

( Reformatting all my DA links for non-DA pages is a bitch. )
 
 
 
.:. Yoshiki, Vampy Sado Bunny .:.
.:. Kurisu, Dejected Ninja Bunny of Darkness .:.
.:. Kano, Righteous Mechano Bunny .:.
.:. Klutz, Klutzy Klepto Bunny .:.
.:. Guit, Angel Guitarist Bunny .:.
.:. Dimitri, Devious Boy Bunny .:.
.:. Vi, Morbid Vegan Bunny .:.
We are... the Bunny Syndicate.  Resistance is Futile.  You will be Bunnified.

DevArt Groups:
jrockers . j-rock . visual-kei . xjapanfans . dakishimete-gackt . gacktcamuifanclub . hydefans . hydeist . larukuclub . aucifer-club . luna-sea . lostblood . jpopchamp . weisskreuz . kizuna-club . yaoilovers . dapride
 
Cliques/Fanlistings:
Dearlings
Masa Fan~
Fragrance Fan~
Gackt x Hyde Fan
MoonChild Fan



 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 10:48:00 PM

Yay, the cutie from Fanime~ [heart] He's so hot. Guys who have the guts to crossdress, and the looks to go with it, I think that's so sexy. X3  
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 11:53:00 PM

>Pendragon*** (12:15:06 PM): Aw, Miss Alieu, things
> always go right when you're around! :P
>
>Auto response from AlieuSylvrstrymz (12:15:06 PM):
> Sleeping. Because when I sleep, at least there's a
> chance things can go right. Leave a message.
> Much affection, to those who will have it. ^^
>
>Pendragon*** (12:15:13 PM): And I will most certainly
> accept the affection
>Pendragon*** (12:15:22 PM): Especially if you hunt
> down new members for mah forum.
>Pendragon*** (12:15:30 PM): It will live, dammit, it
> will live.


Thanks Pen. You're a sweetie, and I'm dearly fond of you for it. I don't know how I used to get through my bad days. You lot make it bearable again. Thank you.


.alieu
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 10:41:00 PM

Your Harry Potter Wedding by shimmerbaby
Username:
Soon to be:	Mrs Remus Lupin
How he proposed:	He wrote it on a wall. With his own blood.
Maid of honour:	Angelina
Objections:	Lets just say... Miss Norris scratched your eyes out.
The outcome:	You lived "Happily Ever After".
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

...SWEET!


.alieu
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 10:21:00 PM

Wow.

I really should have known that when I clicked the 'list this blog' option that this would, in fact, become a public blog that anyone with internet access can read. Somehow, the thought never sunk home until... well, earlier today. I was at work and I checked my email, and there was feedback on my last post from another blogger user, another Gackt fan, and I was floored. Then I mentally slapped myself and said, well duh, of course there are people who read this that I might not know about... afterall, I clicked the stupid thing that made it that way. Anyways, I've been away from the 'net for over a week now... nearing two, really, and it's tiring. Sitting here is pathetically calming to my nerves, and I can't for the life of me understand why it makes me so placid. There's just me, the monitor, the keyboard, my box beside me with its little blue light, my smaller tabby, and my speakers lulling me to relaxation with the instrumental version of Crucify my Love, by X Japan. Gods I love this song. It's so beautiful it makes my heart ache. Yoshiki, love, your piano playing and compositions are the most beautiful sounds that I've ever heard. Sweeter and more touching than any husky jazz piece by Hyde, more than any rending love song by Gackt, and more than any rough seduction by Glay. Gods, what I would give to meet you and talk with you just once. But enough of my being diverted off on tangents.

Uhm... I just wrote the paragraph below this, and I thought I should warn off people who don't like reading nonsense and angst and whining and bitching. go find something fun to look at on Google. Unless you find me amusing, if you find the bitter humour in irony, like I do. I feel like laughing, but I won't. Whatever. I've been in the slums lately and I'm not sure why. Hormones suck.

The girl who read my blog happened to comment on my story. That little angsty rendition of a fairytale I wrote while I was at Trent's house last. I'm not alone in thinking those thoughts? I suppose not. I guess I used to think so, but I've long since grown out of that sort of self centered assumption... well, I think I have, anyways. I'm still pretty self centered and selfish. But yes, I realize that there are lots of people who feel my frustration. Who are in more pain and suffering than me, wresting with their own personal jumble of emotions. How fitting that Winamp is playing Miss Saigon's Sun and Moon. In the end, it was just my little cry for attention, the only conscious cry my pride will let me shout. I feel like I'm pitying myself right now. It's pathetic, because I have no right to think that I'm poor off when there are hundreds of thousands more unfortunate than myself. Ahhh... Placebo's Special K. These songs are in just the right order. Sometimes I think Random is secretly in love with me. No hesitation, no delay, you come on just like Special K... Gravity, no escaping gravity... I'll describe the way I feel, you're my new Achille's heel, can the saviour be for real, or are you just my seventh seal? o/~ Sinking sand, indeed. I still think of him, and everytime I do, it still hurts so very much. Why, why does it still affect me? It can't possibly still affect him any longer, he's moved on and moved up, is going to uni next term, is a mod on Gaia... is.. just him. Ah. Every Rose has its Thorn. Appropriate. Does that make me a cowboy? Hah. I think not. Cowboy hats are ugly... now give me a tophat and some white facepaint and black eyeliner... Err, anyways. Gods I miss him. WHY DO I STILL MISS HIM? WHY? Can anyone tell me why? Why can't I forget him? Why do I almost regret not trying harder? WHY? I don't regret. It doesn't work. No, I promised I wouldn't, not ever. Why do i feel like crying, then? Fuck, I haven't felt like this since I saw *those two* during Fanime. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I have the nerve to go up to a cute guy I'm attracted to, and kiss him because of his 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' shirt? Why can't I be like anyone else and just be happy in brief tawdry relationships with highschoolers? Why am I always such a fucking idiot, and why the fuck am I taking all these fucking AP classes and extra courses and college classes during my Senior year? Why? Goddamnit, what's wrong with me? What the fuck, I feel like I've been on the brink of puberty for five fucking years, now. That in-between place where you're not cute or pretty or naive or intelligent or anything except clumsy and awkward? Why do I miss these people who have fucked so much with my feelings, so much that I still feel the cuts after months of no contact, regardless of if they knew what they did. Why do I still miss her? Why do I still miss Jeff? I can't even call him *my* Jeff anymore. He's just.. someone who probably feels a lot less uncomfortable when he doesn't have to pretend to be pleasant when talking to me.

I've gotta stop getting so angsty. Especially here. X3 Maybe I should make it unlisted again... blah. I guess it doesn't really matter. I had fun today, so maybe if I talk about today it'll be more amusing. I went to work and was bored out of my mind, as usual. I really am getting sick of working under Annette... Diane is much more enjoyable to be around, although I think it's definately true that you can have too much of a good thing. I console myself witht he fact that working under Annette is thousands of times better than working under Anna was. That woman rubbed me the wrong way something fierce... still can't pin down exactly what it was... maybe I just don't like being coddled. Nosy old bat. Anyways. I went out to lunch with mom after work, and that was nice. We went to Buenarotti's, one of my favourite Italian places. Mmmmm... I dearly love Italian food. The other night we found a $5 off flyer on the windshield so I asked her if she would take me there for lunch. It's a pretty small place... lovely design, layout, and art on the walls and counters. Cute little gondola scene muraled underneath the half-wall that sectioned off the kitchen area, with these pretty greek columns painted the frame the boats on the water. The waiter was a cutie. I think he thought me very young, because I get the feeling he was treating me like a child when he crouched/kneeled to take my order and talk to us. Flirty, though. Amazingly cute. Anyways, the pasta was great and mom dropped me off at the mall afterwards. Stacked up on manga and wedged myself in a little corner in Borders and talked to Raye on the phone for a while. She drove over a little later and I picked up the book I had on hold and the 2nd Tokyo Babylon manga in english. Heehee, soon I'll have a full set in Japanese AND English~ X3 Then we chatted and walked around the mall, stopped at Helzberg Diamonds to check out the gold bands since her and David are all serious and are sort of engaged and whatnot. I want to get one of those nice titanium bands. Err... yeah. So then we hit the coffeeshop and Raye chats with Chris for a while on her cellphone. Gods, he's so perfect. Funny, amazingly attractive, those lean, tall, pale guys with long straight dark hair, plus his style is half goth, half renfaire/fantasy/weapons addict, and that sense of humour... god, you can never be bored around him. He's always got such interesting POVs, and he's so spontaneously wacky... he's like the guy you read about in comics or manga or novels, easygoing, drop dead gorgeous, and sweet, all wrapped up in this endless package of laughs, done up with an elegant silver lining. ...And totally out of my range. He'll never see me as more than Raye's friend, and I suppose it's better that way. I find that I fall so easily in and out of lust. I blame it on the hormanes. Blast those bloody hormones, they always fuck up my plans. XD Then it was 6 pm and I went back to meet Julia and Raye left and I went to University Art in Sac to get my art supplies for class. It was pretty cool, my portfolio was 30% off, so it only cost me $25. Well, technically it cost my parents $25, since Julia used the credit card wired to my parents to pay for it. Teehee. Sometimes it pays to be dependent. Then we came home. Excuse me while I take a break to read more of my new book, the one I had on hold. It's "The Ill-Made Mute" by Cecilia Dart-Thornton, Book 1 of the Bitterbynde. Hmm... and Well of Lost Plots (Jasper Fforde) comes out in paperback on the 14th. I need to learn how to budget properly. I can handle everyone else's money just fine... but I'm horrible with my own. XP Err, right. I'll post after I've read for a bit. Hahaha... I'll probably get swept up and read it all and then have to go to bed. Whatever.

As my lovely Remy is so fond of saying... (haha, well, in the slash fanfics, anyways...) Adeiu, Mon ami.


.alieu
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 9:06:00 PM