Wow.
I really should have known that when I clicked the 'list this blog' option that this would, in fact, become a public blog that anyone with internet access can read. Somehow, the thought never sunk home until... well, earlier today. I was at work and I checked my email, and there was feedback on my last post from another blogger user, another Gackt fan, and I was floored. Then I mentally slapped myself and said, well duh, of course there are people who read this that I might not know about... afterall, I clicked the stupid thing that made it that way. Anyways, I've been away from the 'net for over a week now... nearing two, really, and it's tiring. Sitting here is pathetically calming to my nerves, and I can't for the life of me understand why it makes me so placid. There's just me, the monitor, the keyboard, my box beside me with its little blue light, my smaller tabby, and my speakers lulling me to relaxation with the instrumental version of Crucify my Love, by X Japan. Gods I love this song. It's so beautiful it makes my heart ache. Yoshiki, love, your piano playing and compositions are the most beautiful sounds that I've ever heard. Sweeter and more touching than any husky jazz piece by Hyde, more than any rending love song by Gackt, and more than any rough seduction by Glay. Gods, what I would give to meet you and talk with you just once. But enough of my being diverted off on tangents.
Uhm... I just wrote the paragraph below this, and I thought I should warn off people who don't like reading nonsense and angst and whining and bitching. go find something fun to look at on Google. Unless you find me amusing, if you find the bitter humour in irony, like I do. I feel like laughing, but I won't. Whatever. I've been in the slums lately and I'm not sure why. Hormones suck.
The girl who read my blog happened to comment on my story. That little angsty rendition of a fairytale I wrote while I was at Trent's house last. I'm not alone in thinking those thoughts? I suppose not. I guess I used to think so, but I've long since grown out of that sort of self centered assumption... well, I think I have, anyways. I'm still pretty self centered and selfish. But yes, I realize that there are lots of people who feel my frustration. Who are in more pain and suffering than me, wresting with their own personal jumble of emotions. How fitting that Winamp is playing Miss Saigon's Sun and Moon. In the end, it was just my little cry for attention, the only conscious cry my pride will let me shout. I feel like I'm pitying myself right now. It's pathetic, because I have no right to think that I'm poor off when there are hundreds of thousands more unfortunate than myself. Ahhh... Placebo's Special K. These songs are in just the right order. Sometimes I think Random is secretly in love with me. No hesitation, no delay, you come on just like Special K... Gravity, no escaping gravity... I'll describe the way I feel, you're my new Achille's heel, can the saviour be for real, or are you just my seventh seal? o/~ Sinking sand, indeed. I still think of him, and everytime I do, it still hurts so very much. Why, why does it still affect me? It can't possibly still affect him any longer, he's moved on and moved up, is going to uni next term, is a mod on Gaia... is.. just him. Ah. Every Rose has its Thorn. Appropriate. Does that make me a cowboy? Hah. I think not. Cowboy hats are ugly... now give me a tophat and some white facepaint and black eyeliner... Err, anyways. Gods I miss him. WHY DO I STILL MISS HIM? WHY? Can anyone tell me why? Why can't I forget him? Why do I almost regret not trying harder? WHY? I don't regret. It doesn't work. No, I promised I wouldn't, not ever. Why do i feel like crying, then? Fuck, I haven't felt like this since I saw *those two* during Fanime. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I have the nerve to go up to a cute guy I'm attracted to, and kiss him because of his 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' shirt? Why can't I be like anyone else and just be happy in brief tawdry relationships with highschoolers? Why am I always such a fucking idiot, and why the fuck am I taking all these fucking AP classes and extra courses and college classes during my Senior year? Why? Goddamnit, what's wrong with me? What the fuck, I feel like I've been on the brink of puberty for five fucking years, now. That in-between place where you're not cute or pretty or naive or intelligent or anything except clumsy and awkward? Why do I miss these people who have fucked so much with my feelings, so much that I still feel the cuts after months of no contact, regardless of if they knew what they did. Why do I still miss her? Why do I still miss Jeff? I can't even call him *my* Jeff anymore. He's just.. someone who probably feels a lot less uncomfortable when he doesn't have to pretend to be pleasant when talking to me.
I've gotta stop getting so angsty. Especially here. X3 Maybe I should make it unlisted again... blah. I guess it doesn't really matter. I had fun today, so maybe if I talk about today it'll be more amusing. I went to work and was bored out of my mind, as usual. I really am getting sick of working under Annette... Diane is much more enjoyable to be around, although I think it's definately true that you can have too much of a good thing. I console myself witht he fact that working under Annette is thousands of times better than working under Anna was. That woman rubbed me the wrong way something fierce... still can't pin down exactly what it was... maybe I just don't like being coddled. Nosy old bat. Anyways. I went out to lunch with mom after work, and that was nice. We went to Buenarotti's, one of my favourite Italian places. Mmmmm... I dearly love Italian food. The other night we found a $5 off flyer on the windshield so I asked her if she would take me there for lunch. It's a pretty small place... lovely design, layout, and art on the walls and counters. Cute little gondola scene muraled underneath the half-wall that sectioned off the kitchen area, with these pretty greek columns painted the frame the boats on the water. The waiter was a cutie. I think he thought me very young, because I get the feeling he was treating me like a child when he crouched/kneeled to take my order and talk to us. Flirty, though. Amazingly cute. Anyways, the pasta was great and mom dropped me off at the mall afterwards. Stacked up on manga and wedged myself in a little corner in Borders and talked to Raye on the phone for a while. She drove over a little later and I picked up the book I had on hold and the 2nd Tokyo Babylon manga in english. Heehee, soon I'll have a full set in Japanese AND English~ X3 Then we chatted and walked around the mall, stopped at Helzberg Diamonds to check out the gold bands since her and David are all serious and are sort of engaged and whatnot. I want to get one of those nice titanium bands. Err... yeah. So then we hit the coffeeshop and Raye chats with Chris for a while on her cellphone. Gods, he's so perfect. Funny, amazingly attractive, those lean, tall, pale guys with long straight dark hair, plus his style is half goth, half renfaire/fantasy/weapons addict, and that sense of humour... god, you can never be bored around him. He's always got such interesting POVs, and he's so spontaneously wacky... he's like the guy you read about in comics or manga or novels, easygoing, drop dead gorgeous, and sweet, all wrapped up in this endless package of laughs, done up with an elegant silver lining. ...And totally out of my range. He'll never see me as more than Raye's friend, and I suppose it's better that way. I find that I fall so easily in and out of lust. I blame it on the hormanes. Blast those bloody hormones, they always fuck up my plans. XD Then it was 6 pm and I went back to meet Julia and Raye left and I went to University Art in Sac to get my art supplies for class. It was pretty cool, my portfolio was 30% off, so it only cost me $25. Well, technically it cost my parents $25, since Julia used the credit card wired to my parents to pay for it. Teehee. Sometimes it pays to be dependent. Then we came home. Excuse me while I take a break to read more of my new book, the one I had on hold. It's "The Ill-Made Mute" by Cecilia Dart-Thornton, Book 1 of the Bitterbynde. Hmm... and Well of Lost Plots (Jasper Fforde) comes out in paperback on the 14th. I need to learn how to budget properly. I can handle everyone else's money just fine... but I'm horrible with my own. XP Err, right. I'll post after I've read for a bit. Hahaha... I'll probably get swept up and read it all and then have to go to bed. Whatever.
As my lovely Remy is so fond of saying... (haha, well, in the slash fanfics, anyways...) Adeiu, Mon ami.
.alieu
