Waaah, it's been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened. I wish I could remember it all because I want to write it all down, but I think it was all too overwhelming. I wish I could at least remember the dreams, though. Especially that one with the ending in the chairs and the registration counter... that one scene has lingered the most, but I can't for the life of me remember what happened before it. Ah well. Anyways, enough with my bemoaning what is already past and unchangable.

Ah! I haven't posted the pictures yet!

Okay, so first up is Karl from his performance at the Java Cafe:


I hope he doesn't mind this being up... guh. I doubt he will, but it's not likely he'd ever even find this here, so I'm not too worried, you know what I mean? :p

Next! The Holiday Poof with Googly Eyes that my sister made for me! It's sitting on top of my computer box. SONY~


Finally the picture of my Yoshi from Senior Float Building! :3 I was so proud of him~ Done entirely in sharpies on, uh, I think it's plywood? The wood planks that are made of scraps of wood glued together, or something like that. Half my new sharpie set was ruined, but it was worth it and there were no other markers or paints on hand. :/


And here's my new icon featuring Sang Hoon from kpop band BlackBeat, another SM Town group, three sizes:


I don't know who this girl is, but she's really cute, isn't she? I think I got this from some img thread on HongFire. I can't keep all my pictures straight anymore, but most of them comes from imageboards now, mostly 4chan, HongFire, or iichan.


And last of all, here are some pictures of my makeup on halloween. Not that it did me much good since my friends couldn't get it together to actually go trick-or-treating this year, but I thought it looked really nice. I had to do something so that other people could see it, even if it's way after the fact and it's just on my blog. I really wanted people to see it when I finished, but since I didn't get to, this is the next best thing. Or something. ^^;









... :O ZOMG SO GOTH. Harhar.

...my nose is too shiny. :: wiggles nose ::



Okay, I think I'm done for now. Mostly useless post, but it had lots of shit I needed to put up in it. Whee. 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 10:13:00 PM

OH MY GOD, Karl is so adorable when he goes Emo.

XD

He should do his hair like that more often, and I cannot believe how loud the encore and singing along was for the Emo Song! That boy is seriously talented. I hope he goes as far as he can with that talent! I wish I could do something to help him get off the ground~

Everyone needs to see the videotape I have of Karl and Erin's performance! It was AMAZING! Trent and Tazer and Kaitlen seriously missed out.

..yeah. I really gotta stop this whole people with SOs thing already. 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 11:23:00 PM

Whee! Christmas wishlist time.

1. A Pony.
2. A Kitty.
3. A Gackt.
4. A Hyde.
5. A Ue-pon.
6. A Moogle.
7. A Vaio.
8. A Sub.
9. A Dom.
10. A Way To Pay My College Tuition.

...okay, so that's not my real list. Well, it is my real list, but that's the stuff I know I won't get. It's like... my fantasy list. XD I'm such a loser.

Here's the real one, no particular order.

1. Hyde 2005 Calendar
2. Aya Ueto Concert DVD
3. Otakon 2005 Registration
4. Aquarian Age: Juvenile Orion 2005 Calendar
5. Emily Hoodie (Ears & Pawprint Mittens)
6. Joanne's/Hancock's Gift Certificate (Hatoko Cosplay Supplies)
7. Borders/Barnes & Noble Gift Certificate
8. Grey Nautica Fleece Robe (Costco!)
9. QAF DVD Boxset (Season 1, UK, Preferably)
10. Wilde DVD
11. YnM DVD Boxset (Tarot Cards!)
12. SukiSho 3/4/Manga/Special Editions
13. Gravitation Remix 3/6/8/9
14. Leatherby's Outing
15. Asuka Subscription
16. Meine Liebe R2 DVDs
17. Dinner At Jazzmen's (When They Re-Open)
18. Death Standing Figurine (Gaiman Comic Version)
19. Hot Topic Gift Certificate (So I Can Be Goth-Punk-Prep & Trendy!)
20. White/Lavender/Pale Blue Calla Lillies (Bulbs Work Too.)

I'll probably add more later, but for those of you who don't know what to get me or what I already have, now you have something of an idea. I'm not that hard to please... if you're on a tight budget, just take me out to ice cream, it'll cost you less than five bucks. Or you can just not get me anything. Just don't be pissy and I'll consider that a gift. <3 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 11:43:00 AM

Okay, this is way way way delayed, and written over the span of like... almost two weeks. I think. It's also the edited version, so I don't offend certain people or let slip things that really aren't other peoples' business. :3 Hopefully those who don't already have a clue as to those I talk of won't be able to figure it out.

Here goes.



I've taken to re-evaluating myself a lot recently. Re-evaluating my priorities, my skills, my bad habits, my actions, my personality, my friends, my choices, my feelings, my goals... everything, really. What can I say, I'm conceited, I've had a lot of time to think while I've been attempting to avoid and procrastinate on my college apps and scholarship apps, and all I've done is think about myself.

I've thought a lot about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and whether or not I'm actually ready to head into this whole college thing. I've thought about how naive I tend to be about some things, no matter how much I would rather deny that fact, and I've looked at my procrastination habits and failure to follow through on large projects, and I've wondered, even though I've always said that I've been ready and can't wait for it, if I'm really as prepared as I've made people (and myself) think I have been in the past god-knows-how-many years of my adolescence.

I've always been the one who would 'succeed,' the one who people assumed would do extremely well in college, work, and life in general. Strong, independent, intelligent, eloquent, overachieving, responsible... But really, it feels like I'm not even as courageous as half of the 'normal' people out there.

It's odd how things work out, how much the boasting of your dreams as a child grows larger and deeper as you grow older until it becomes a full mask covering you from hairline to collarbone in this silly facade you've kept up for 12+ years.

How familiar it seems, and natural it is to just let your mask talk for you, let the words you know are nigh impossible for you to do in your heart, because you're scared, roll out through your lips. Watch them change and warp slightly more, divert from your true feelings slightly more, as they dance through the hole in the mask above your lips, mocking and taunting and snickering at the source that spit them out. It's rather depressing to realize that things you yourself control are mocking you. Then you look at yourself and ask, "Do I really think myself that sad and pathetic? When did I become so... cynical--so skeptical and full of self-loathing? When did I start to hate myself...?"

That would be the question, now wouldn't it?

I don't have an answer. Like in so many other important things and events and decisions in my life and in my future, whatever that may be, I again lack the answers to my own questions. I lack my justification, my reasoning, because really, I didn't honestly care then, and I probably don't really care now. It's gotten to the point where I'm comfortable in that familiarity, and I'm loath to leave this security blanket I've created for myself of being the independent and ambitious one. I think maybe it is this that I hate so much. That I have become so much like the very thing I sneer upon in society.

That I have become such a hypocrite.

That I have become like my parents...?

...I would rather not go down that road. I don't think I'm quite prepared mentally for that yet.


In re-evaluating my feelings, I've found that I'm also displeased with my lack of control, and the levels of obsession that I allow myself to work up to in such a short period of time. I'm also a hypocrite here, in my reaction to those who were or are infatuated with myself in much the same fashion as I tend to get concerning those I lust after, or desire to be with. It doesn't really matter how you word it; eloquence or not, it is all lust of one kind or another, if only physical or intellectual.

I'm always afraid, most of all I think, not that they would reject me, but that I would ruin any good chance I had with them because they were freaked out or disturbed by the intensity of my... affections. I get so wound up, so incredibly focused on only them, and sometimes it seems that I do so far too easily for the amount of attention I secretly pay them. I seem so fickle, even to myself.

Again, that hypocrisy.

I think, perhaps, that I am the biggest hypocrite I know, if only because of the fact that I know all of my own thoughts and inner desires.

I find myself still unable to fully let go of the past, and while so many lovely things catch my eye and interest and attention here in the present, I feel like I should feel these new attractions as something wrong. Betrayal. But at the same time, can you really betray a person who isn't interested in you? Deep down, I still like to fool myself into dreaming that he still cares or thinks of me. That is probably the reason behind my monthly prods, which I have steeled myself to foregoing as of recently. I don't want to hold him back.

I think I have been watching too much angst and depressing stories of unrequited or doomed love, that it is toying with my ample imagination.

My latest attractions are so very intriguing in spirit, beauty, intellect, and wit. They are, however, somewhat many in number. I fear that the reason I fail to limit myself to one receptacle of my affection is that I look for too much. I have always told myself I would never lower my standards, and that I would not settle for anything less than the fulfillment of all my desires, mentally and physically. Perfection? Completion, rather.

Oh, how I wish there was a way to combine people. But that would be terribly unfair to them as individuals.

There is one, whose spontaneous nature and adorable looks I fall prey to each time I look at. She really is quite breathtaking, and her personality is so childlike and mischievous, while at the same time devoted and very hardworking when serious, that one cannot help but be drawn to her. I think everyone around her has lost a little portion of themselves to her, regardless of their orientation or relationship status.

There is the other, whose beauty is obvious to all, and whose style is impeccably sexy. She, however, lacks a drive and responsibility, lacks a discipline and desire to do what would benefit herself the most, that is severely displeasing. I want to smack her for her stupidity, sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. She does, however, possess a keen mind and wonderful questioning intellect, had she only the will to use it. I had given up on her before, and had been content to tell myself that she wasn't worth the inevitable heartache, as I had learned in the past, but it is so much harder now that things have changed again.

There is the untapped. Alas... So full of potential, but so very far away. If there was a reason I most despised my lack of beauty in physical appearance, he would be it. There is so much I can see in him, so much philosophy and talent and sheer untapped drive and desire to learn and broaden his horizons... It makes me feel so frustrated and sad to see it trickle so slowly because of his surroundings. Perhaps I am too harsh on his social clique, as I am sure they are not as stupid and lacking as I imagine them to be, but I have a very selfish and very strong desire to simply take him and allow him to bloom fully in the fastest way possible. There is a lot of arrogance here on my part, in my assumption that I could ever make a good teacher, that I am the best and only teacher who could guide him to his full potential, but I do have a selfish desire for that person to be me because then my dreams of being an acceptable love interest to him would be possible, or justified. Rational. His sadness makes my heart ache, and his intelligence and fascination in philosophy and myths/religions that parallels my own makes my heart skip a beat with joy. Longing. Pure, unsullied, Desire.

And the unreachable? What of her? What of her, indeed. She is wit, intelligence, beauty, and femininity, and I am completely captivated. Unattainable, of course, but it is no matter. Were she not what she was and I had met her anyways, I doubt she would have been interested, unless she happened to be ten years younger and I ten years older. It is the dynamic, I suppose, much like Oscar Wilde had with young Lord Alfred "Bosie" Douglas. Except for the fact that the dynamic between her and I is purely one sided on my part, and Wilde and Bosie were very much infatuated with one another. Wilde refers to the Greeks as models in this sense, to show the bond between a devoted student and a more knowledgeable mentor. It is true that the Greeks were renowned for their acceptance, and even promotion, of this type of relationship, and the ancients' tolerance should make the modern fears and insecurities ashamed, but the reality of an egotistical culture is never rational. It is only the cultures that appreciate more than just themselves that are ever truly successful. Art is like that, and a culture driven by the arts and the exploration of knowledge without the taint of economical worries or warring natures is the closest step to true peace that mankind can ever hope to make. It is not capable for humans to go any farther, because it would be against human nature. We, as a race, were never meant for peace, it seems. But I am off-topic. I have resigned myself here, also, to not being able to fully appreciate that woman's irresistible wit and charms, but to make up for it I fear I may not talk myself out of writing her a very long, open, deep, wistful letter in which I prove myself five kinds of fool by the time graduation comes around. I fear disgust, of course, most of all.

But I will try, as that is all one can truly do to avoid regret.


I think I shall retire now, and continue again in the evening. It is already 4:30 in the morning, and I must be out of the house by 9:00, so I should try to get a few hours of sleep while I can.

6:37 here, and I am again sitting in the wooden study station right outside of my mother's office. It was placed here to cover up the gaping holes in the wall left from when they removed the payphone, and looks very out of place.


Mediaeval Baebes has become my new writing music. I find it easier to write what I feel like writing on this laptop, and when I tire of hearing angst and sex and bubblegum pop, this mixture of English and Latin folk/traditional music is quite calming and sweet on the ears. I'm particularly fond of Gaudete and Undrentide.

On the subject of music, I realized after watching QAF (original UK version) the reason why I so dearly love Placebo and Brian Molko. I think I have the mentality of a gay man. Yes, I know, it sounds stupid and absurd and something I would say daily, but in looking closely, I can draw a lot of parallels. Also, I learned that the UK QAF cast and scripts are so much better than the US ones that I will never be able to put them on the same level again. Anyways, the fact is that I react, think, love, and want to live the way that the characters depicted in QAF do. I want to go to Babylon on Friday nights, or get drinks with friends after work and spend the nights trying to cop off with someone else cruising Canal Street, and go home to a long fuck in a wood-paneled condominium with my fridge full of ritzy bottled mineral water. I want to have the courage and pure gall to corner a straight bombshell in a locker room, talk them totally horny, and then tug and finger and tease them to an explosive orgasm that makes them blush in the halls whenever I smirk and play with my fingers. Hell, I could even be like the dykes. I want to write my lover hot, dirty, detailed, sexual love letters that make the gay boys blush.





Hephaestian. Hephaistion? However it is spelled. There is someone I admire.

It has been two days since I last wrote here, and still I do not think it ready to be called a complete entry. I keep jumping from one topic to another, and always without closure. I am so horrible with closure. I think perhaps I avoid it so that I know I can always return. For someone who speaks so much of letting the past remain the past, I seem to waste energy on things that are out of my power to change anyways.

Alexander was a movie I shall definitely have to buy on DVD.

Do not go into the theatre looking for history. Do not go into the theatre looking for a biography or an accurate retelling. Do not go into the theatre looking for blood and gore and glorious battle scenes (though there are many disturbingly graphic battles). Go into the theatre looking for one view on Alexander as a man, as a warrior, lover, king, and visionary, and go in looking for a possible insight into the mindset, culture, ideals, and philosophies of the prosperous times when Alexander the Great attempted to unite two continents.

I'm rather miffed that there was such a big deal when he fucked the woman, but there's not even a kissing scene with Hephaistion. The only man Alexander kissed was that servant boy after he did that really sexy dance. But Hephaistion! Such love and devotion and trust, even when Alexander decided to marry... and that scene with the ring... ah gods, the romantic in me craves such things desperately. I felt like crying when he was explaining the ring. And even more so when the bastard TOOK IT OFF to make love to her. That poisonous BITCH.

Ahem. Yes... I don't particularly like Alexander's wives. Nor him for taking them, but I can understand the need for an heir. Why couldn't he have just stayed that young man who so passionately was sure that Hephaistion, who "loves me as I am", would be the only person he needed in his personal life?

Oh, and his mother. My-oh-my. Well, I loved all the mythology wound about her and the birth of Alexander, and Angelina Jolie CERTAINLY is astoundingly, breathtakingly, gorgeously sexy in the role... but damn, she was so pushy! A smart woman, indeed, she would have led Alexander to higher greatness had he allowed her to be by his side. I liked her character, but for her insistence of him to bear an heir. Without her pushing and prodding and constant nagging, I think Alexander would not have let himself be so open as to whom he let into his bed. Into his heart, rather.

..okay, so I admit I didn't mind Bagoas so much. X3

But Hephaistion! Ahh, so much angst! And such a sweet, sweet, heart-rending story. True Yaoi and Shounen Ai stories never compensate struggling lovers for depth of feeling, and are always tragic and heartbreaking in conclusion (usually death). I shall find a ring like the one Hephaistion gave Alexander. I shall find it! And I shall wear it twined with my own around my neck, as a reminder and symbol of forbidden, outcast, destiny-defying, passionate, cherished, dedicated, fighting, and pure true love.

The love that cannot speak its name.


But I can't accept one from anyone else besides him, it seems. Still, after all this time and all the fucking distance, I cannot shake his presence in my mind. I thought at one point that it was because I didn't want to... but I do! I have changed, and looking around me, I can see so much more that I could grasp had I the strength to just let go. So much more in my sights, so much more I could experience and love and just be with... So much opportunity that mocks me and tugs at my heart with longing. This need for human companionship that my hormones insist on bringing up time and time again is not helping my nerves any during this important time.

I really need to get rid of these silly overly-romantic notions that keep swirling about in my head.

Okay, I shall consider this ready for posting online now, over a week from when I started writing this, not because it is complete, since it is not, but because I simply cannot be bothered to look at this document any more since it bores me and sickens me and makes me feel like a fool because I know I am one.

That and I know there will be an even longer one come New Year's Day. I so dearly hope Amanda and Kiyomi shall be holding their LAN on New Year's Day, it would help distract me if I was around friends that I could actually touch and hug and smile with and watch be happy. I have a feeling that it may be a difficult day for me to handle. Just a tiny indication, you know.

Like how you get a feeling that there might be a nice bonfire when you drop the lit match into the trashcan full of dry wood and kindling.
 
...coffee, republic, and cakes <3 1:10:00 PM