Sunday, January 2, 2005
11:00 PM
I dreamed of him. I told myself I would forget him, told myself over and over again, but I dreamed of him last night. It felt so good, so warm, so goddamned perfect when I held his hand, leaned against him, hid behind him, felt his arms wrap around me protectively... Gods, I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever. That feeling of support, of comfort, of SAFETY that he radiated... I need that right now. I need it, I need it to be surrounding me in reality, not just in my delusions, and after that dream my mind craves nothing else so strongly. I woke twice, but both times I fought to regain and continue that dream, and both times I dozed back and melted back into his arms, and when I finally got out of bed, I had never felt so alone in my life. Walking through the house, sitting on the couch, sitting in the kitchen by myself, staring at the phone cradled in its charger and my cell phone, both of which contained no one I could call for that comfort in voice, in mind, it struck me how very alone I really was. When you have over fifty numbers in your phone book, but not a single person who can make you feel safe among them, or rather, a single one you can't get up the nerve to call, and who probably doesn't want to hear from you anyways, perhaps its time for a little lesson in personal sanity maintenance.
I can't deal with this anymore. I can't do this, I can't DO this anymore, do THIS. It hurts, I can't take it! I... everything I do turns out wrong. I've lost my balance, I can't regain that adeptness that I had, the ability to cope. I keep fucking up. I keep fucking CRYING. It's not like me. It's not ME anymore. What have I become?
My skin is a pale, pasty, unnaturally off-white color, and my eyes are constantly red-rimmed, tinged with the black and blue of lines worn by stress and bags worn by bouts of insomnia and bouts of too much sleep. I hurt, everywhere.
My parents are pissed off with me, my sister is pissed off with me, my cousin is sick of me, my aunts and uncles don't know what to do with me, my friends can't do anything for me, and every time I try to do something for myself it just fucks things up even more.
I need an Oishi that will let me be an Eiji. Someone who will make sure the rope never tangles, and will always be there to cover me and take care of me when I need to recharge, no matter what the situation. Someone who knows me better than I know myself, and who knows just what spots to hit that make me relax and play at my best. Someone who loves me, and that I can love freely.
I need that.
I'm crumbling, I can feel it, and if I fall this time, I don't think even all the King's men could piece me back together, not this time.
Real life never gives you a prince in shining armor. It certainly doesn't give you a princess in one either, or the acceptance for that situation, it just gives you an expiration date stamped where everyone can see it except you.
Monday, January 3, 2005
3:30 AM
I just finished watching The Order. Heath Ledger... was he the one that played Wesley in the Princess Bride? Looks and sounds like him. Anyhow, it was quite the dramatic faith-breaker. Like a movie version of The DaVinci Code, or Angels and Demons, whichever one it was with the Illuminati, and where the cardinal or the pope was the villain. I loved it. I feel more stable now, and incredibly intrigued by the wonder that religion and cult-themed tales invokes in my mind. Faith, after all, is the most fickle lover of them all.
Monday, January 3, 2005
8:00 PM
I'm so tired... the back of my head, through to my temples, it throbs painfully. This headache has been nagging and tugging at the back of my mind since I dragged myself out of bed at 11:30.
Monday, January 3, 2005
11:51 PM
Heh. Fell asleep for a couple hours. Woke up at 10:30, found that the box of Tylenol expired five years ago, and asked Julia for some drugs for the pain. It fuckin' hurt like hell by then, that throbbing in my skull. I took two Advil, and lo and behold, it took its damn time but it worked. It took like, half an hour. Ugh. But now my headache is gone, so I am grateful.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
12:03 AM
New Year's Eve was wonderful. I've never felt more content than when I was sitting in that bean bag, warm under the sleeping bag, watching Shawn being... well, Shawn, in the corner of the room and sleeping, and Brian and Jordan fumbling with their computers, and Trent on his bed flipping through the channels to try to get something more interesting than South Park to watch. Or before that, with us trying to figure out answers to the Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit cards. It didn't matter that I was a girl, or that they were all guys, because we were comfortable with each other and it just didn't matter. There was trust, there was understanding, and there was laughter. It was a wonderful ending to a wonderful night.
I just wish that the morning had been better for Amanda, Amanda's Mom, Trent, and Trent's mom. I didn't want to get them involved... I'm so sorry, guys.
...on a different topic, and a more selfish one... I hope my TeniPuriMyus are done downloading!!! X3 I really, really, really want to watch them... Mweeheeheeheeee, TeniPuri RABURABU ~(*3*)~ chi-yuuuuuuu!
